Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[25yearsmlc]

this is for Rick and not necessarily others...sorry for the hijack but I'll get to your question in a bit

Hi keep going so sorry you are dealing with this also. I'm going to my 1st court date next Wednesday. I was told to let my W go and let her have what she wants. To let her go through with it ( even tho I pushed her to do it after I had an outburst).


if you are referrring to your DB coach's words, that's a very rough translation Rick. And it's inaccurate.

You were told, IF I recall correctly--and I may not--to stop arguing for the marriage and to stop TALKING about making it work and instead to DEMONSTRATE the changes in you.

I am NOT convinced you have done much demonstrating.

Small steps, perhaps yes, but they were inconsistent and you were disappointed when you did not get immediate results b/c you attached expectations to Each small step. Every 180 had a hope directly linked

and when that hope was not fully realized right away, you despaired.

And this despairing you do, this "woe is me" depressive routine and seeing the glass as half empty,

MUST CHANGE FROM WITHIN YOU...it's NOT healthy and it's not productive...AND you must know by now Rick, it's also a big turn off.

People cannot be around downers all the time b/c they suck out the light in the room -they bring in their darkness...no more of that Rick!

You have your faith, and that gift comforts us when we let it in...so let it in Rick.

I feel for you. But you must suck it up and get a grip, and if need be, "fake it 'til you make it." It works! NO, not totally and NO not immediately. But in time it helps a lot.

so did your w see real changes in you, over time, that convinces her they're real AND permanent? We know she didn't, so does that mean DBing did not work? NO it means you did not DB long enough or strongly enough. So does that mean you stop it?

No, b/c that's like saying should you stop working out and eating right b/c you didn't win the Mr Universe contest? Of course not. Do what is good for you and in time, those good things spill over to ther areas of your life. They have to.

I agree with you that YES you did push her to divorce b/c you repeatedly said during heated moments of anger, more than once,

to "go ahead and leave me!" which to me would sound like you'd rather lose the marriage and wife/daughter than change yourself....

so over time that is the message you sent out. And B/C of that, you had a lot to overcome of old messages from the "old Rick"...and it took awhile for you to begin discovering DBing and to try it, so

NOW, how long have you been making consistent changes?

We cannot change the past but we CAN GO, "FROM THIS DAY FORWARD"....Just like what's in our marriage vows.

We haven't even discussed the court date. I act as if nothing is going on. Not sure if is the right thing to do or not.

what does that mean? Are you doing 180s? Or acting like you always have acted?


I already asked my W to reconsider when I was served so she knows where I stand.

Rick---Does that "already asked my w to reconsider".....strike you as a convincing, passion filled risk taking position of yours?

Did you feel you really went out on a limb saying that? Really? hmm

"W, please reconsider".....if my h said that to me IF/when I filed for divorce, I might've shaken my head at how he "still doesn't get it"...b/c what I would NEED from him at that point would be, at a minimum

some serioue eye contact, a feeling that he was truly sorry for the ways he hurt me (not begging me or being a doormat, but honest regret)
AND

that he was truly trying to reach me at a deep soul level...and I'd want him to tell me AND SHOW ME exactly how our marriage would be better and different at HIS end and that he'd be patient b/c he'd know I'd need time to believe in all these promises.. so he'd need to show me that he'd have no expecations of me for a long time-b/c

TIME + consistent changes = change I'd believe in...

Just my opinion.


I think you should prepare yourself for either outcome. If he files you will have no control and can't stop it. My advice is to listen to what he says about it and validate. we are told to let them do all of the leg work. I can't tell you what to do regarding the C or separation. Hang in there

sorry for the hijack