itm - There is a long journey that your H has to take. Even though he has stopped drinking, his journey is far from over. He has to re-train everything about himself. How he handles people, his problems, his relationships, his fears.. EVERYTHING.
It's ALOT of work and it will take ALOT of time.
In the same way - you have a long journey to take. Living with an addict affects the family. It's like we all get sick. Over time you have learned how handle him, his problems, your problems, your fears. You put his addiction at the center of your life as well.
You too will have to re-learn alot and this too will take ALOT of work and ALOT of time.
All you can focus on is you now. Realize how the addiction affected you. Work to change that. Work to get healthy.
I look back and am kinda thankful that my w decided to stop talking to me.. it hurt like hell and I wouldn't wish it on anybody... but I had NO choice but to work on me. I couldn't be her enabler, I couldn't be her savior.. I just had to figure out me.
I learned that although my wife was partly responsible, I was allowing to take all of bad mojo her and I created into other relationships. To my friends, in my work. When I realized that.. realized that in I had to do the work.. It's when I really understood that no matter how much I wanted my marriage.. I wanted to be healthy too! It's when I learned that a marriage with her or anybody else isn't really possible (or at least enjoyable) until I made some serious changes.
Did that stop me getting angry and hurt at her for being an addict.. no. Did it mean I had to give up on my marriage - not really.
I just had to change my perspective a bit. I had to admit that even though I wasn't the addict... I allowed the addiction to change me. I allowed my w to change me for the worse. And because I allowed it.. I was the only one who could change it.
And when I shifted to that perspective... my w's actions and behaviors had very little to do with it anymore.
You can get there too. You can do this. You are strong enough to be honest with yourself and with your H. It will hurt, but I promise you.. it will be worth it!
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
