So in trying to work with sleeplessness and not get addicted to sleep meds, I've done 2 nights on meds and then tried to sleep on my own last night...and same thing happened, very difficult night, and nightmares. I have really tried to uncover what's going on and I have...I'm scared to live alone. I think this was the last "layer" I had to get to, and I think in the day I think "oh this is absurd,I'm fine" and then once it's dark, it's like the time it is dark lasts forever, especially this time of year, and the house is just dead quiet, and I think you know, I don't know a woman at all who lives alone on over an acre with neighbors not really in yelling distance. Maybe someone here does besides me? But I've even asked around, and any women I know of who have ever lived alone have been in apts or renting half a house where a man was around very near, or they had roommates.
I don't think I feel NERVOUS about it in the usual way...I don't get butterflies in my stomach. But what I have done is become so guarded all the time, like I said it's this tension in my shoulders. Last night at 2am I was up in my living room writing about sleeplessness (my doctor's suggestion if I couldn't sleep to try to figure out the problem) and the wind blew and shook this thing on the front of my house. I "almost" jumped and got that nervous feeling in my stomach like "uh oh is someone there, and instead, the tension shot back into my shoulders and neck all at once. I think I've like, taught myself the "fight" response so strongly instead of "flight" that it's instantaneous. This shoots all this adrenaline in my system, and then, I cannot go to sleep. Too much adrenaline. I'm physically exhausted, but mentally, I cannot relax.
I think that I've not acknowledged this until this boy cat died. He was a buffer for some reason. I suddenly now feel VERY alone and like that feeling will never go away.
And I'm trying to face it down, but I also think jeez, I have to be practical.
Maybe I need a security system? I mean this is just something that is probably a problem unique to women, ingrained in the DNA, we just aren't raised to be alone. We are raised to have a partner/protector.
So does anyone have any experience with having a security system/know of a good brand or whatever that isn't out of sight pricey? Maybe this is a good investment. I don't want to give in to fear at all, but I live in a one story house and I like the idea that "someone" is watching out for me and my cats if I'm here or if I am out of town...and the only other option is to go take shooting lessons and buy a gun and I don't really like the idea of a loaded gun in the house.
I mean I can't just go get in a rel. with a man to feel safe, but I think the truth of the matter is that I do not feel safe enough living alone to relax, and it's really affecting my health.
It isn't even about XH anymore. It's just the male presence. I mean, when girlfriends or my mom or sisters stay, I don't feel any safer.
Maybe this just goes away after time but so far it hasn't shown any sign of it, and the nightmares of being assaulted are really unsettling me.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I haven't read all of your post but i do understand what you are going through. I have 4 kids. All living at home. I felt unsecure and responsabile for their security. I have waken up in SHOCKS, everynight for a LONG time. Like you, i didn't want to had to the problem by getting addicted to meds so i would do 2 nights without and 1 night with. It as been a little over 2 years now and i take meds, on average once every 2 weeks. My IC had told me NOT TO STAY in bed if i didn't fall back asleep within 15 to 20 minutes. I had to reprogram my subconcient that my bed was a place of REST. I would get up and read or listen to relaxing music until my nerves calmed down and go back to bed. I didn't have nightmares. Thank god! Do you think that you interpreted assault with the way you feel? You are exausted inside and out, you feel beat-up? Our subconcient mind has to be analized and we need to change our tought process, in some area, after going trought a crisis or a radical change. I hope it gets better SOON for you.
I haven't read all of your post but i do understand what you are going through. I have 4 kids. All living at home. I felt unsecure and responsabile for their security. I have waken up in SHOCKS, everynight for a LONG time. Like you, i didn't want to had to the problem by getting addicted to meds so i would do 2 nights without and 1 night with. It as been a little over 2 years now and i take meds, on average once every 2 weeks. My IC had told me NOT TO STAY in bed if i didn't fall back asleep within 15 to 20 minutes. I had to reprogram my subconcient that my bed was a place of REST. I would get up and read or listen to relaxing music until my nerves calmed down and go back to bed. I didn't have nightmares. Thank god! Do you think that you interpreted assault with the way you feel? You are exausted inside and out, you feel beat-up? Our subconcient mind has to be analized and we need to change our tought process, in some area, after going trought a crisis or a radical change. I hope it gets better SOON for you.
I'll admit, when I was looking for my own house after the divorce, I did look at a couple that were on large acre lots - then I thought about who would do all that gardening, and would I be safe without neighbors within shouting distance. I ended up in a suburban tract instead.
My house is somewhat large and two-story, so I still worried a bit that someone could come in the door downstairs without me hearing them - so I locked my bedroom door at night.
An alarm system would probably make you feel better, but I am also serious about the male room mate. Sometimes too it's just nice to have that male energy around, you know? Of course, that isn't an option if you're like me and have alimony that kicks out if you "cohabit".
Thanks kml...the 2 obstacles I guess are that I do love my house and yard..it's a lot of work but god is it beautiful here, it's like living with a park behind my home, and it's SO peaceful. It's just got "everything" because XH and I made it such a great place. And I'm only paying 700 a month for the mortgage because I have a good bit of equity built up. XH meanwhile is paying 1200 a month for a 2 bedroom condo with no privacy and no yard or anything, and smaller square footage. I'm even putting an extra 150 a month now on principal to build the equity faster/pay down the mortgage. So moving just isn't something I'll do. It's a sanctuary, albeit a sanctuary that I fear someone "invading" at night, I guess.
The male roommate is another thing I feel like I can't do number one because I don't know anyone in need of a place to live and I would never be able to just interview strangers and let someone come live here. My trust instinct is sorely lacking anymore ;-) I guess if I knew someone in need, whom I trusted, I could change my mind. It's also not a very big house. There is a guest room but it's really small and I don't have much storage so there isn't even room for anyone to move any of their stuff in. XH didn't take anything. He left all of it to me. So it's a very full house despite my ruthlessly going through since he left and trying to get rid of stuff.
To be honest if I was in a rel. with someone and he wanted to move in, I'd probably say yeah, if we put an addition onto the house. XH and I were starting to really walk all over each other here.
It's a great house for a single person and a real sanctuary...but you're right, it does lack the male energy, and all my male friends who live here are married and so they don't spend any time here.
This is why I keep coming back to getting a dog ;-) Possibly not smart with all the cats, though.
I dunno, just something I have to work through.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Oh and exquisite, thanks for the sleepless tips....I'll try any and everything at this point!!
Tonight I'm going to try the "ocean wave" noise thing I found in a closet...maybe it's too quiet and I need to hear something rhythmic. I also think I'm going to try a night light. God I feel like a child ;-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I know you've read my posts and know about my sleeplessness and nightmares. I have truly come to believe, as Beatrice and others suggested, that it is my subconscious cleaning house. Everynight, some unpleasant dream in which X has a starring role, and waking up startled. As an Army wife, I am very comfortable alone, and do not feel scared or threatened, nor do I feel the need of a male presence.
Perhaps you, like I myself, are just going through a 'mental house cleansing, and it's something we have to go through, whether we like it or not. I liken it to the movie "Shawshank Redemption" and climbing through "four football fields of unbelievable filth to freedom" Unpleasant, but necessary.
