Finah - thanks for your input. I've gotten a lot of great advise from 25yearsmlc and I think she's correct, that I need to focus on improving myself, and GAL & PMA. I think I will do just that, not focus on her affair or her issues, nor make her leave, but instead be the best man I can be and hopefully she will work on her issues. Maybe if I can change in any positive fashion the outcome of our issues will be different, i.e. it takes one to tango. In the meantime I will leave the light on for her.
Update - maybe, just maybe this DB'ing works. I am seeing what I perceive to be small positive gains:
- when my W became a WAW this March she was saying we were done and there was nothing I could do about it. Then she pulled back somewhat over time saying she needs to fully come to terms with her entire life and personal choices on a global basis and our marriage is in that mix (I think this is a MLC). She had strongly suggested she needed to move out but now there is no talk of that. She hasn't moved back into our bedroom but she does now talk freely about family plans, and things her and I will do together. She is not saying our M is back on track but at least is not averse to being with me which she was when this all started. She has re-engaged herself in being part of home projects which shows she is still part of it. For the first time since this all began she asked me to share something socially and I take that as a good sign. For the first time since this all began she actually gave me a hug goodnight.
- she is stating emphatically that what I and many others perceived to be an EA and possible PA is really only a deep friendship and given her current quest to resolve her entire life issues, needs these talks with him to help her through it. She fully acknowledges that her actions definitely could have been perceived as an affair but swears this has not been the case.
- I have been focusing on myself while in this, looking at how I can be a better communicator and conflict resolver which I believe are the areas I could improve in our M. Our talks have become much more peaceful, and we get so much more results out of our discussions.
- our family events have become much less stressful. When all of this began she had basically removed herself from me and our sons. Our sons had great difficulty even being around her since this began but as she has engaged back into our daily lives, so have the kids.
Like everyone in my situation I would love to hear her tell me she is working to reconcile, and move back into our room. I am trying to be careful not to go overboard when I see positive signs like I think I have been seeing. I am trying to not let anxiety and worry take over. For example, I often worry that the signs I am reading as positive are in fact only that she is getting comfortable in a separate life from me and it is easier for her to be around me because she doesn't really care anymore. I would love the reassurance but I guess that's not how this works.
So, I keep moving forward with my own life, and keep open to whatever she wants to share with me (and it seems to be more and more). I find this all so draining, me wanting to reconcile and move on with our M at MY PACE! She is the love of my life and it is so f'ing hard to let this all go at her pace. I have always been physically and vocally affectionate with her so to hold that back 24/7 is brutal. How does one put their heart and soul on hold for so long? I am told that our situation has not really gone on that long (since March 2011) as far as these things go, so maybe I should accept that this can take much longer.
It is so hard to live with her as only a roommate when I want to love her outwardly as well as inwardly.
Have any of you been at the stage I am at? Did you start to see small signs of improvement? How long did it take to reconcile and move on to a better M?
I would love some feedback for all of you!!! Thanks.
yes if you stick with the DBing, you will start to see improvement. Not in every sitch and in some cases it takes longer than others.
"How long did it take to reconcile and move on to a better M?"
This is not a guarantee and every case is different. Your W could still leave after all of this. However, in your case, the hug is a great sign. Write down the specifics of what your W did and what you have been doing. Not generalities. If things are feeling better, slowly (very slowly) start to do the little things for your W. Like get her something small like a cheap toy- "hey I saw this the other day and thought of you". Or slowly flirt with her.
Think back of all the things you've learned and start interacting more. Sounds like you're on the right track.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Rick- I completely empathize with you regarding having to shut off the showing and voicing of affection. I am the same way and always would show physical love and affection and not being able to express this has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life.
I'm glad you are noticing some improvements. Use them as reinforcement and motivation. Keep up the good work and keep us updated.
Mr Bond & sayitaintso- thank you so much for the replies!
I have a real inward struggle with not pursuing. I feel like if I let go, deattach, then it will be so easy for her to accept us moving on with separate lives. In other words she won't make the efforts needed to reconcile on her own. I feel like I have to pursue somewhat to keep it alive, but DB'ing wisdom says not to pursue. With this in mind I have been accepting whatever we have been sharing in common, keeping cool about it, and enjoying it outwardly.
The fact that she appears to not be moving away from me emotionally any longer, nor actively working to create distance, nor talking about moving out seems good. There's this limbo and unknown which is really tough for me.
What do you think is the best way to handle an OM, an EA?
I'm pretty pissed about it. The OM is my cousin so I'm feeling doubly betrayed. My W tells me it is only a deep friendship with no romantic part to it at all. She says its a friendship that helps her navigate her way through a mid-life crisis. Yet, they spends hours every day speaking on the phone, take day trips together, she stays at his house out of state, and she buys him gifts. When they talk it definitely sounds flirty, but no obvious romantic wording.
My W has made it clear she is in the midst of a full-blown life crisis and while removing herself from those she is closest to - H, sons, family, close friends; she maintains friendships with those that satisy her needs in this present situation.
All of that sounds believable theoretically, but it's tough to be relegated to the bench while my W carries on non-stop with my cousin.
Despite the pain I am still GAL, and taking the high road throughout this, and doing a lot of self examination. What's also tough is being the only one DB'ing. Everyone else thinks she's being incredible selfish. I, however see her pain and keep taking the high road and DB'ing. But, god do I have my moments of doubt!!!!!
Any opinions? Thanks! _________________________________ M - 24 yrs H 53, W 45 sons - 24,21, 13 bomb - March 2011
I can definitely relate to your struggle with the OM. I have the same issue and what I've done is try not to focus on the OM so much. I've only mentioned it to my W 2 times and never again, (except here where I can vent and get the support I need). She won't own up to it so there's no sense in pursuing it any further at this point.
I think the best thing to do is just accept that the OM is a symptom of the larger R issue you are facing and not address the OM specifically. Besides what can you do about it anyway?
So, focus on your changes and DB efforts and ignore the OM as much as possible. Definitely don't bring it up with your W. It will only drive her further away from you (at least not until you are at the R stage which may or may not ever come).
Good luck!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
What do you think is the best way to handle an OM, an EA?
I'm pretty pissed about it. The OM is my cousin so I'm feeling doubly betrayed. My W tells me it is only a deep friendship with no romantic part to it at all. She says its a friendship that helps her navigate her way through a mid-life crisis. Yet, they spends hours every day speaking on the phone, take day trips together, she stays at his house out of state, and she buys him gifts. When they talk it definitely sounds flirty, but no obvious romantic wording.
I call BS. Is she saying things to him that she could say in front of you? Is she sharing details about your marriage? Is she seeking validation from him that she should be seeking from you?
As soon as I hear or read "just friends" I am convinced it's not "just friends". The day trips, the gifts, staying at his house...danger, Will Robinson.
Your situation is very similar to what I went through when my W was in her EA. I confronted, I snooped, I laid down the "him or me" ultimatum...and he was still 1700 miles away. In the end she moved out and he dropped everything to come live with her. So did I help my cause or help bury it? Don't know; the reason I'm sharing this dismal account with you is to urge you to stop and think very carefully about every word you say and every action you take with your W about this.
You could try to not mention the OM and hope it burns out; that is a tough path, because it goes against our expectations of loyalty and honor from our spouses. You could expose the OM and lay down your "no contact with him ever again" boundary, which might work but more likely will drive her away in a big hurry.
For now, I'd say do nothing. Continue to DB the best way possible, but discretely monitor what goes on in the house. DO NOT SNOOP! That never ends well. If you suspect your W is ramping up her EA into something else, come here first and air it out. That will give you time to think about your next move and get some feedback from those who have gone before you.
Be strong but be vigilant.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
2pt - I thank you immensely for the input and I think you are probably correct in your recommendations. Just knowing someone else gets what I am experiencing makes it easier, although I wish this upon no one else.
Today is a tough day for me with this issue. She has gone on a day trip out of state and I know will meet the OM. What I don't understand is how she can have the nerve to interogate me about my going to a mini high school reunion in which it was only meeting childhood friends, and then walk out the door to go for a day trip with the OM. I have never cheated nor never will so the hipocracy of this is astounding and very hurtful. How can she not see this? Do people in a MLC lose the ability to make rational judgements? Maybe that's a dumb question, but I'm amazed at this. While I am living a Mr Mom existance she questions my fidelity while involved in the EA the same day.
She keeps telling me she needs to get through this MLC or whatever you want to name it, and she needs to isolate herself from the pressure of our family while she sorts her life out. I am giving her the time and space to do that and I do see her slowly and infintisimal step by step look back to me and our family so maybe this might work out over some period of time, but I find the concept of GAL only backfires in a sense because she seems to feel that anything I do outside of our marriage indicates that I am fine with a so called separate life. She can't seem to understand when I explain to her that i would rather have each other be first in each others life but in her absense I am living my life.
I keep hearing that we should believe none of what we hear and half of what we see. So, if I hear my wife tell me there is no EA, only a friendship should I not believe it. I guess, like you said 2thepoint, that we should treat the OM as only a symptom. Great advice. Thanks!
telemark - I appreciate you feedback and I only wish you had been able to share it without your having lived it.
Yes, my W is sharing details of our marriage with the OM and she is getting validation from him when I want it to be from me.
I'm having a tough time with this. She looks at things i do with an eye towards whether or not my actions show her that I am moving on. The reality is that I am GAL but would rather be sharing my life with her. It's a sad irony that she questions me when I have been nothing less than 100% faithful all along and yet has absolutely no problem carrying on with the OM. The concept of GAL may work for me in that I build my strength to carry on without her if this doesn't work out but I do find she cannot handle anything I do without it making her think I am pulling away from her. The opposite is true. I want our marriage reconciled.
I am not confronting her. I am DB'ing pretty well and GAL. It's just that this GAL thing seems to really upset her. I'm not even doing anything that should cause her concern so I don't understand the massive double standard. Any ideas?
BTW, she out of state today with the OM and yet had the adaucity to question me about a one-line very innocent comment I got on Facebook from a female friend. I really don't get this reaction. Even with her full-blown MLC, her psychiatrist treatments and all I cant figure out how she cannot see the duoble standard here.
Also, BTW she does seem to be otherwise getting closer to me, or should I say not adverse to our being together which is a huge improvement from before. So maybe this DB'ing is working. I don't want to ruin a possible reconciliation but I am so confused by her negative reaction to my GAL, especially when she says I should be doing that. I don't need her to tell me that i should live my life but its so odd that she meticulously scrutinizes everything I do.
