New here....Major Vent

[Accuray]

Arkansasguy,

I read over your whole thread again and you are gridlocked. Your W is making all the rules and bullying you when you push back. You do not want to get a "D", so you are afraid of making an ultimatum, because you do not want to enforce the "or else..."

I have been there!

I really don't think there is any way out of this without talking to your W and getting her to listen. That MAY require an ultimatum, and follow up to that discussion may require another ultimatum.

Therefore, you need to do a gut check: it's clear that this problem isn't going to solve itself, your W has indicated she is not willing to change, and in your view, you're doing everything you can without W's participation. *Are you willing to stay in this marriage assuming things don't change?*

If the answer to that question is "yes", then you need to work on getting used to 12x per year (or less), and figure out how you can approach W with a positive attitude in that context.

When I read your posts, you have many more complaints than just lack of sex. You fundamentally believe your contributions to the marriage are unbalanced, in your view 90%/10%. Reading between the lines, you would be willing to accept that if the sex were there, but without the sex, everything about it bothers you.

If the answer to your gut check is "No", then you need to confront W about the need to work with you, and make sure she understands that you mean it -- which may mean packing your bags and getting the h%*@ out *for now*. Withdrawing and becoming roommates will just create a self-reinforcing negative cycle. You will withdraw because you are not getting your needs met, your W will resent you for withdrawing and do even less to meet your needs, which will make you resentful and withdraw more, and around you go. Pretty soon you're in passive-aggressive hell.

My suggestion for your *initial* ultimatum would be to point out that you don't believe either of you are satisfied with the state of the M, that it's not just about sex. Explain that you would like the M to be mutually better, and you're willing to do the work to make it so. Although you're willing to put in the effort you can't do it alone, and you need her to work with you. If she refuses, starts to bully you, etc. Don't get emotional, remain calm, do not raise your voice. Simply state that she can choose to work with you on this or not, you can't force her. If she decides not to, then you will have your own decisions to make.

This is "high stakes poker", so you really have to make sure you're willing to follow through before you do it. Are you there yet? You sound like you're getting close.

If she DOES agree to work with you, definitely consider a good MC. She's not happy or getting her needs met either. If she were, she wouldn't be so quick to tell you to get out. She needs to step up in the area of ML, but you are going to need to step up in other ways too.

Per my other post, a couple things that worked with my W were to agree that I would never escalate physical touch -- which is to say that she could hug me without me pulling her towards the bedroom afterwards, etc. That "takes the edge off" and allows for physical contact without anxiety on her part.

The second is that I told her I would not initiate ML, but that I would like to ML X times per month, and I'd like her to make that happen.

I've been reading "Passionate Marriage" which you may enjoy, it talks a lot about LD. It's usually not caused by any one specific issue, the root of it is usually very complicated.

--Accuray