Learning from the pain....hard lessons

[In_Shock]

Check out how stupid I got --- (why am i admitting all this? because I know you guys understand, and not many people/places can we be this honest)

Ok---here's how silly i have been.... I told her clearly that OW was not attractive and not intelligent. How did I do so? Well, I said something like --- I was wondering what attracts you so much to this other person? I KNOW it's not looks or intelligence."

LOL. Ooops! How petty/jealous did I sound? I know EXACTLY how I sounded. I knew it as I was saying it.

On the BRIGHT side.... I've been trying to be positive PMA as much as possible. So, I've lost 30 lbs now. A colleague who hadn't seen me since summer came up to me Friday and said "Oh my goodness IS. If I were gay, I'd say you were hot! No, wait, I'm going to say it anyway. You are hot!" I've lost weight (I'd like to lose a bit more and tone up-- still gotta get a bike.) I've been wearing makeup, new haircut, new wardrobe, etc... Someone told me they think that's why W won't look me in the eye.... They said she's noticed all my outward changes and knows what she's missing....(I just laughed, but it's so nice to get compliments. I need them these days).

[In_Shock]

So last night we went out to eat and she told me she's going on overnight trip (to something WE always did....) with OW....on Thursday night. I kinda lost it. I cried. I told her very honestly how hard all this has been -- etc....

This is all so hard, and sometimes, honestly I'm not sure I'm going to make it. Why it has to hurt so bad, I don't know, but I feel like I'm 45 but inside about 3 --- and I'm being abandoned....and know that I messed up. No sleep last night.

Well, ast least i had one good week where I felt GOOD. That means it CAN happen, right??????

Sadness is just enveloping me as I'm starting to accept it's really over. At least for now.

[In_Shock]

I've done some things very well in DBing.....I actually think that even though I lost it and bawled last night in the restaurant, I was honest. I told her how I feel. I told her I want our R to work someday -- and that I know for now it isn't going to. This did make her angry and she said it's over forever and I'm delusional.

I know she is speaking in absolute negatives --and I shouldn't keep boxing her in to those decisions....I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hurt she is going to this event that WE have gone to together several times......with this other person. And was angry that I was hurt.... She says "i was just being honest"

My heart ------------------->>>> ripped out again =====

It WILL get easier -----I WILL get numb right??

Any comments??? Help????

[Rick1963]

((((Hugs))) IS I have been thinking of you. YOU MUST stop the R talk and the begging. You are pushing her father away you know better. I know how hard it is but you MUST STOP. IS it will get better but you will not be numb. You will be warm and fuzzy and in love again maybe with your W maybe someone else. I can feel the pain you are going through. Take a deep breath and think of the good things in your life. The more R talk the longer it will take for her to see your changes. God has a plan for you just be patient. hang in there

[In_Shock]

Yes, I know i know better. Yes I do....... BUT when she says she's going to go to this event and spend the night----with OW.... it's rubbing salt in my wounds.

I have to stop. I do know I screw up. BLAHHHHHHHH!

[Rick1963]

IS don't beat yourself up. Just learn from this. I didn't get it until mid September when I decided to seriously DB and I still make mistakes. Your W will do and say things that will hurt you, let them roll off your back. They use our reactions to what they say and do to justify their actions. Don't think of it as screwing up. We all make mistakes just learn from them.Hugs

[Valeska19]

IS,
You said that you took a break from the board and it ended up hurting you. Well come back to us, post here frequently, we are here to help!

People are right that you can't beat yourself up from it.. but you NEED to learn from it. You aren't helping your sitch.. but more importantly.. you aren't helping yourself.

Just as your w is spewing out negatives.. so are you... and unfortunately you are the only person you can control.

We can say let it roll of our backs but it hurts and it will continue to hurt.. and there is NOTHING we can do about that.

HOWEVER.. we can choose to act with dignity, we can chose to act with kindness. These are not easy choices. Ones that take practice and the right mind set.

They become much harder when our emotions are constantly being swirled around. They become much harder when we are on our rollercoaster.

So find out how to get off of it. Do you need to go dark? Do you need to stop with the dinners? Do you need space?

I know there is a ton of fear with these decisions but DBing isn't about walking on eggshells and fearing this action will cause WAS to do this or that.

The truth is that only when we let our emotions settle, we can see how to love clearly.. and then can we start making steps towards being better people.. and only when we walk that journey will our m ever stand a chance.

Hang in there. ((()))

[In_Shock]

we still live together and it since she's decided she's going to be spending nights out with OW----- this is second time in 2 weeks.......I actually went really dim for a week after the first time.
....
I think I need to dim/dark as much as I can in the same house. I think she's going to move out in January. I am beginning to believe I can DB better without having it in my face all the time. Like i said, i do some DBing well.....talking is my weakness....

I love W so much, but she seems to be doing so many things to hurt me on purpose lately. She has to know how this feels....this overnight thing to 'our' old event.........

On the positive side --- GAL is not a problem most of the time. I am very busy with classes(fun, not work for me at all except grading papers)> Also S4 and I spend a lot of time together playing, doing his preschool 'homework', watching some cartoons, etc..... He is my LIGHT and the most important thing BAR NONE.

Remember, my working/going to school was one complaint W had-- that I didn't spend enough time noticking her...LISTENING to her. She reiterated that last night. I have gotten better at listening....but I am guilty of not always UNDERSTANDING what she wants/needs/means. I do try to validate most of the time---when I'm not screwing up and telling her I want to work it out someday.

[MrBond]

IS - you asked so I'm answering.
Let's get this settled.

"she seems to be doing so many things to hurt me on purpose lately."

Mindreading. It could be just because you're hyper-sensitive to EVERYTHING she does right now. So if she turns away from you, you take it as rejection. The thing with focusing so much on your sitch is that you will tend to overanalyze things. It's natural. Ease up a bit on that.

"I have gotten better at listening....but I am guilty of not always UNDERSTANDING what she wants/needs/means."

This is a two way street. SHE also has to be able to listen and understand that you may not be understanding her. I'm sure there are times she doesn't understand the meaning of what you're saying either.

Try this. The next time you discuss something that's more than just "how's the weather." Say this..."Okay, just so I understand what you're trying to say, you're saying this..." Repeat what she says and ask questions. When you ask questions it shows you're engaged and genuinely interested in what she's saying. This will help with the misinterpretation of things.

All couples over time assume that their partner will automatically know what their thinking. No way. It's the first pitfall of marriage. You're not a mind reader and neither is she.

If she gets upset, then tell her that you are trying to understand her so that there is no miscommunication. If she says that you should "know" she means this or that, flip it around. Ask her if she "knows" what YOU mean every time. Sometimes by putting them into your shoes will help them to understand that they don't walk on water.

"telling her I want to work it out someday."

Yeah stop that now. Don't talk about the future. Go things one day at a time.

How engaged is she with your son?

[In_Shock]

So glad to have the MR BOND in the house ----WOO WOO!!

Thanks for coming by. I appreciate it. She is engaged with S sometimes.... Her MOM told me last week that she was upset because since W has met OW, she has put S on back burner. This is one thing MIL and I agree on totally. S should be first regardless.....

I did screw up again tonight and let her engage me in a very very nasty argument in front of S. I felt SOOOOOOOO terrible. I need to shut my f'n mouth --- NEVER NEVER NEVER argue in front of him. I feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO terrible about that. Poor little dude. He is my world, and now my guilt is even worse.

W is on her own 'trip' and i'm not invited. I've got to remember that MOMENT by MOMENT. It's all about S and me now. I love W, but i have to try try try to get back to that detached place where i had a really good week.

She cried tonight..... I guess that means something is still there emotionally. But who knows????????????????????? I love her, but not this person who is out with OW and has abandoned our vows....I want a new M with W.

For all my many many many faults, I love her very much. I want to improve myself for me. If W doesn't want me... I need to get to the place where i can be ok with that.

Remember, I'm still a relative newbie--- I'm learning and getting the sh@@t kicked out of me regularly.

Thanks again Bond. Come back. I like your style