Living with groundlessness

[AntoniaB]

So in trying to work with sleeplessness and not get addicted to sleep meds, I've done 2 nights on meds and then tried to sleep on my own last night...and same thing happened, very difficult night, and nightmares. I have really tried to uncover what's going on and I have...I'm scared to live alone. I think this was the last "layer" I had to get to, and I think in the day I think "oh this is absurd,I'm fine" and then once it's dark, it's like the time it is dark lasts forever, especially this time of year, and the house is just dead quiet, and I think you know, I don't know a woman at all who lives alone on over an acre with neighbors not really in yelling distance. Maybe someone here does besides me? But I've even asked around, and any women I know of who have ever lived alone have been in apts or renting half a house where a man was around very near, or they had roommates.

I don't think I feel NERVOUS about it in the usual way...I don't get butterflies in my stomach. But what I have done is become so guarded all the time, like I said it's this tension in my shoulders. Last night at 2am I was up in my living room writing about sleeplessness (my doctor's suggestion if I couldn't sleep to try to figure out the problem) and the wind blew and shook this thing on the front of my house. I "almost" jumped and got that nervous feeling in my stomach like "uh oh is someone there, and instead, the tension shot back into my shoulders and neck all at once. I think I've like, taught myself the "fight" response so strongly instead of "flight" that it's instantaneous. This shoots all this adrenaline in my system, and then, I cannot go to sleep. Too much adrenaline. I'm physically exhausted, but mentally, I cannot relax.

I think that I've not acknowledged this until this boy cat died. He was a buffer for some reason. I suddenly now feel VERY alone and like that feeling will never go away.

And I'm trying to face it down, but I also think jeez, I have to be practical.

Maybe I need a security system? I mean this is just something that is probably a problem unique to women, ingrained in the DNA, we just aren't raised to be alone. We are raised to have a partner/protector.

So does anyone have any experience with having a security system/know of a good brand or whatever that isn't out of sight pricey? Maybe this is a good investment. I don't want to give in to fear at all, but I live in a one story house and I like the idea that "someone" is watching out for me and my cats if I'm here or if I am out of town...and the only other option is to go take shooting lessons and buy a gun and I don't really like the idea of a loaded gun in the house.

I mean I can't just go get in a rel. with a man to feel safe, but I think the truth of the matter is that I do not feel safe enough living alone to relax, and it's really affecting my health.

It isn't even about XH anymore. It's just the male presence. I mean, when girlfriends or my mom or sisters stay, I don't feel any safer.

Maybe this just goes away after time but so far it hasn't shown any sign of it, and the nightmares of being assaulted are really unsettling me.