Sorry to hear this Peter. But look at the other side... what's all that new? Other than finalizing the limbo you've been, it's really just another form of what you've been living.
You can still DB, you can still work on your M, that's all up to you and in your power.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Sometimes it is liberating to confirm that which you already fear. I think you handled yourself brilliantly by not giving your W the satisfaction of a reaction. Keep that in mind in the days ahead. We're all rooting for you!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
We did have a follow-up convo last night (well my W did most of the convo) - she wanted to know if I had thought of plans post D.
I told her that she should put down what she feels is fair re: $$$ and access to the girls and I'll have my L review. She asked what I wanted, and I said to work on the M. W said - it's too late for that, I'm done and have been for a long time.
We started talking a little about the logistics : She said I could stay at the house when I was looking after the girls and she would stay at her dad's or with a friend. I'm actually ok with this initially as it would allow me to get a much smaller place so I could save $$ for a place in the future and at the same time cause minimal disruption to the girls.
I knew it was coming - but it still hurts....
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
Sounds like you did a little backsliding - "She asked what I wanted, and I said to work on the M. W said - it's too late for that, I'm done and have been for a long time."
Your W already knows that you wanted to work on the M. So why repeat it?
That last part in her response is such a scripted line, don't you think? I mean, I'm pretty certain that my W said exactly the same thing! It is almost predictable what they are going to say.
It must be gut wrenching for you to have to deal with this. But, as long as you still believe that your M is worth fighting for, then you should continue to do those things that help and avoid those things that harm.
From what I understand about D, things could drag out for several months and even longer if you slow-roll the process. Maybe that could be your approach as you continue to work on your changes.
Hang in there. We're here for you!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I was going to post those same words earlier... Peter - you didn't need to go there. When she asked what you wanted she meant it in the immediate/tactical nature, not the strategic/global. When you went there it said to her, "damn... he still does not get this, does he?" So she had to pull out the hurtful sayings to force you away again.
The other piece is that what you said and what you meant are different... to me what it looks like you meant is that you want HER to work on the M WITH you. That's asking for something you're not going to get right now, so why ask?
What you missed was the chance to show her the strong, independent you. I don't know the "right" answer but something along the lines of "I want us to co-parent well for the kids' sake" or "I want to use this time to be a better me so I can be a better dad"... basically it's nothing about her. It's about you and your kids and frankly she doesn't amount to a hill of beans. Since you can't control her you're not going to focus on her. You can control you and your kids (to a degree) so that is where you focus is going to be.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
"NYCP - Just letting you know I have cancelled tomorrow's appointment with the lawyer. As it makes sense for us to go the route of mediation I have booked an appt with a mediator for Friday.
Attached is a list of things that I think are fair. Let me know what you think."
Looks like she is on a fast-track for the D. The attachment looks like it covers all bases - I suspect it was done with the help of my father-in-law who is a bit of an amateur lawyer (no wonder she was gone all day yesterday). She knows I am off work on Friday (taking my car to garage in the AM) have after school activities in the PM with girls. She is basically going by state guidelines for CS and asking for alimony for 6 years. All assets split 50/50.
Thoughts?
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
Peter, I'm sorry it's come to this but I can't say I'm surprised. As you know, I had a feeling your W was having an A in the summer based on her behaviour and of course my own situation.
Peter, don't fight her on any of this and stop saying you want the M. She knows. Stay strong, validate and detach. It's the best chance you have of saving your M.
My H and I have reconciled and I have no doubt that would have never happened if I hadn't followed the advice I received and read in other sitches here on the board. It's hard when you're afraid and everything you value is falling apart around you but it does work. And if it doesn't and you get a D, you will always be grateful that you did everything you could to save your M and you can tell that to your children someday when they ask.
Hang in there, Peter. You can do this. Give her a D is she wants it. Don't fight her but protect yourself. Let the reality of it all come crashing down around her and only then will she be in the place to re-think her decisions.
Peter, E gives some good advice. You can't stop the D process and you really need to protect yourself.
The trick in this part of the journey is how to balance what is fair and loving to you against all the hurt, pain, and anger that is coming up from both the D and confirming the PAs
For me.. it was time. I did not stop the D process but I sure did take it at my own speed and in m own way.
Just because your w wants to meet on Friday w/o lawyers does NOT mean you have to agree with her. If you aren't ready or aren't sure how to move forward - it's okay to take some time.
Just make sure you aren't saying "no" to get at her.
I'm so sorry you here Peter. It's a tough phase of the journey.
((( )))
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
