greenblue, thanks for asking for me! I'm doing ok. Well, I'm not doing ok. I haven't heard from H in 4 days. He's in "stonewall" me mode. I'm just trying to take one day at a time, and move forward.
dbmod, it's true, I have pushed him to be angry many times. I'm having a hard time with owning up to my own responsibility, but not taking responsibility for his reaction. I find that a difficult line to walk, especially when he tells me everything is my fault. I definitely have a tendency to internalize that and believe it. I'll post more and read more from others. I really need the support right now. So lonely!
I shouldn't even say anything b/c I have not experienced this in my M, but I've had two people, (who are as close as family can get), to be abused by their H's.
My advice is to get out now!This is not a M issue.....it's a safety issue! Take your child and get away from the abuser before it's too late. Your child is not only learning early lessons on how to abuse his W some day....but for now, he's not safe! You're not safe!
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I'm wondering...if he ever decides he wants to change (which, he still hasn't, but IF), what can he do that will help? I can't find any abuse programs that are local to us. Has anyone had experience with this? Is there hope?
If he ever reaches that place that he really wants to change, then his next step is to be willing. Two separate things. I don't think it's going to happen as long as he can control you and the child. Once he's lost everything due to his anger, then and only then will he be "willing" to change. Then he'll find the help. You won't have to do it for him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
greenblue, thanks for asking for me! I'm doing ok. Well, I'm not doing ok. I haven't heard from H in 4 days. He's in "stonewall" me mode. I'm just trying to take one day at a time, and move forward.
dbmod, it's true, I have pushed him to be angry many times. I'm having a hard time with owning up to my own responsibility, but not taking responsibility for his reaction. I find that a difficult line to walk, especially when he tells me everything is my fault. I definitely have a tendency to internalize that and believe it. I'll post more and read more from others. I really need the support right now. So lonely!
Sweetie, the DB method is meant to give you power, leave you not helpless. So use it that way. You are not responsible for his behavior.
So what would you like to see happen in the next two weeks?
So what would you like to see happen in the next two weeks?
I was just thinking this morning that I may not belong on DB. Because I see that the choices are
1. have spouse own up to past behaviors/reconcile or 2. move forward with happy marriage
and that the two are irreconcilable. I want "1" more than I want "2" at this point. In other words, I can't go on in my marriage with things as they are. But of course, I'd prefer to stay married in the long run. But I know it's probably not realistic to say "Well I'd prefer to stay married...IF he changes."
So I guess what I'd like to see happen is very unlikely to happen. He called last night to talk to the kids for the first time since Wednesday. I still do the DB tactics, but at this point, it's more for my own peace of mind than it is to win him back. Is that ok?
Thanks again, I'm reading everyone's stories and learning a lot here.
I shouldn't even say anything b/c I have not experienced this in my M, but I've had two people, (who are as close as family can get), to be abused by their H's.
My advice is to get out now!This is not a M issue.....it's a safety issue! Take your child and get away from the abuser before it's too late. Your child is not only learning early lessons on how to abuse his W some day....but for now, he's not safe! You're not safe!
Quote:
I'm wondering...if he ever decides he wants to change (which, he still hasn't, but IF), what can he do that will help? I can't find any abuse programs that are local to us. Has anyone had experience with this? Is there hope?
If he ever reaches that place that he really wants to change, then his next step is to be willing. Two separate things. I don't think it's going to happen as long as he can control you and the child. Once he's lost everything due to his anger, then and only then will he be "willing" to change. Then he'll find the help. You won't have to do it for him.
I didn't want to be the first to say it but I agree. This is a safety issue. It's time to protect your child and yourself.
Whatever you choose to do, use this forum to your benefit. Share your feelings, journal, complain, cry...whatever you have to do to release. We are here for you.
I'm feeling kind of guilty about titling my thread "Abuse"....I think maybe I should have titled it "Abuse?" I'm not trying to label my H or anything. I was just wondering, IF abuse is happening, what's the approach to it. I mean I'm confident that emotional abuse is a strong factor in our marriage. But the only "physical" abuse has been like, not letting me out of a room or a car or a shower while fighting with me, breaking down doors, and punching holes in walls. So not really exactly physical.
Yesterday morning I was in this really great place, like, wow, I'm moving on! Then last night I decided it would be "fun" to google "Signs your husband doesn't love you." That was really depressing, since he pretty much definitely doesn't love me. Just a small example: He's always finding new hobbies that will fulfill him and buying all the stuff and throwing himself into it. Last year after he cheated (And immediately told me it was my own fault he cheated, even though I give him PLENTY OF SEX) he had gotten into bowling. He bought a ball, and started spending lunches and evenings at the bowling alley. He is always finding some new hobby to keep him away from home.
At this point I'm mainly anxious to see him over Thanksgiving, and terrified he'll try to take the kids from me. We live over 1000 miles away from him since I left him. And I also just WISH HE WOULD LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so unlovable! My own HUSBAND can't love me!!
I know a lot of you can relate. Just kind of venting. Maybe not making much sense if you don't know the whole story, but anyway, I'm finding your feedback encouraging.
Km2ct Please know that I mean well with what I'm about to say:
1. Your husband is emotionally abusive, you've admitted this yourself, abuse is abuse no matter what shape it takes. Would you like your children to grow up with abuse being a normal or even expected thing?
2. He's trapped you before? This is physical abuse. He is using his size and strength to physically intimidate you. Once again do you want your children exposed to this?
3. I see a lot of secong guessing in your latest post this is quite troublesome. I get the impression you may be trying to excuse his behavior.
4. He is nowhere near even being close to being repentant. He has no incentive to change so he won't, especially if you keep running back to him.
5. Blaming others for his lack of control is classic abuser. Its ok to say someone made you mad, its unacceptable for them to blame their lack of control on you.
Ok so he hasn't hit you yet, he sure has no problem intimidating you with the threat of implied physical violence. Is this the type of home you want? What of your boys would you like it if they wound up in prison for being spouse abusers?
Its true that we don't see what you see. Nonetheless something smells rotten.
Now that I got all that out of the way, please continue posting. you'll find that folks genuinely care around here and we want what is best for each other.
There are many forms of abuse. Your husband is using quite a few to maintain his control over you. See how many apply to your situation.
These are the forms that abuse can take: Emotional Abuse: Any communication, admonition, reprimand or reproof that does not uplift or edify. Put downs, name calling, conditional love, extreme controlling behaviour, mentally coercive behaviour, mind games and loss of identity.
Male Privilege: Treats partner as a servant, makes all the big decisions, acts like master of the castle ( has an Archie Bunker chair)
Abuse of Power: Denies basic rights, deprives people of personal time, mandates duties, uses legal means to force power, controls everything...even amount of bathwater, what can be eaten, what clothing is worn, style of hair.
Stalking: Spies, follows partner, displays extreme distrust and jealousy, makes persistent phone calls, writes messages and leaves them on windshields, mailboxes, cards, sends harassing letters, faxes ,writes graffiti, sends unwanted gifts, comes home at unexpected times, monitors phone calls with answering machine, forces partner to carry a pager, installs surveillance systems and bugs phones.
Sexual Abuse: Demands bizarre or unwanted sex acts, physically attacks sexual parts partner's body, threatens to find another partner, forces sex/rape or marital rape, extremely jealous, looks at pornography, treats partner as a sex object, interrupts partner's sleep for sex.
Verbal Abuse: curses, accuses, name calls, uses the past to control, manipulates, makes unreasonable demands, and commits mental blackmail.
Property Violence: Destruction of property, puts holes in walls, breaks down doors, pounds table, and includes abuse of or killing the family pet.
Threats: Threatens to end the relationship, do harm emotionally or physically, partner's life, suicide, to take children. Abuser will report to authorities after forcing partner to break the law (selling drugs, prostitution, and stealing, writing bad checks, using someone else's credit card. Abuser can be active in defrauding welfare, Social Security, IRS, or disability insurance. Abuser threatens to not financially support partner. Abuser threatens sexual assault.
Intimidation: Threatens partner with looks, gestures, tone of voice, actions, cursing, continual arguing, makes partner say what he wants them to say, forces partner to listen to them ,forces partner to report to him.
Jealousy: Uses jealousy as a sign of love, controls what partner does, who they see and talk to, where and when they go out, refuses to let partner join in any activity outside the home. Drops in to "watch", isolates partner from friends and family, is possessive of partner in every area of their life.
Knowledge Abuse: Receives limited amount of counselling and uses it against their partner. Uses knowledge of partners past against them and or turns partners family against them using information about the past. Reads and listens to self help books and tapes, then uses that information to blame the partner for problems in the relationship. Abuser uses their higher level of knowledge or intellect to verbally or emotionally abuse the partner.
Using Children: The abuser uses visitation as a way to harass spouse. Threatens children, uses child support as leverage, teenage children may be used to take responsibility for finances, obligations, responsibilities and feelings. Abuser intimidates through looks, actions, gestures and tone of voice, cursing to cause fear in partner and children.
Humiliation: Criticizes, discounts partners: childcare, housekeeping, cooking, self worth. Forces partner to eat things they don't want, or to dress to please them. Puts partner down then demands sexual intimacy. Uses hostile humour, publically humiliates partner, moves frequently, forces partner to stay in the home.
Isolation: Controls who is seen, what is done. listens to phone conversations, requires partner to use a cell phone or pager, keeps partner from family, needs to know where partner is at all times, requires partner to be available at all times. The abuser leaves no means of transportation. Does not allow partner to open the mail, moves frequently, requires partner to stay in the home.
Responsibility Abuse: Makes partner responsible for everything in life (bills, children, etc.) Makes partner responsible for THEIR life, makes others responsible for their wrongful actions.
Religious Abuse: Uses scripture and words like "submission" and "obey" to abuse. Uses spiritual language and misuses position of power or leadership to influence the selfish interest of someone other than the person who needs help. Uses spiritual intimidation, manipulation or excessive discipline by abusing religious systems and being legalistic, mind controlling, religiously addictive, and authoritarian. Manipulates through shame, guilt and fear, misuses position and makes the other live up to "spiritual standard"
Silent Abuse: Uses silence as a weapon cannot or will not communicate, abuser lacks mechanisms to express emotions.
Medical Abuse: Meets someone with pre-existing medical conditions then prevents them from getting their medical needs met. Creates damage or an injury that requires medical attention then prevents them from getting that need met. Gets angry at, puts down or denies the pain of the person with medical needs. Has medical knowledge and uses it to hurt or kill someone through medical procedures or medicine. Makes fun of or puts down partner with medical needs in private or in public. Has an affair because of partner's medical needs.
Financial Abuse: Ruins partner's credit puts cars, home, recreational property in his name only. Abuser spends partner's money, credit or savings to make them dependant. Ruins children's credit, gets credit cards in their names, Uses partners credit without their knowledge, spend partner's money instead of their own on outings such as dinner, movies, sporting events, shopping, or personal use. Spends partner's saving to make them dependant.
Economic Abuse: Restricts employment, makes partner ask for money, gives an allowance ,takes partner's earned money, makes partner account for expenditure of every penny, interferes with partner's work( i.e. hides the keys to transportation),does not pay the bills, hides or withholds financial resources, refuses to work and support the family
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
QS that is a pretty good list of behaviors. I sure am guilty of the cursing,intimidating, jealousy and yelling. I have done that to my W a half of dozen times in our 26 years together. I know that her actions, filling for a D, have really brought my behaviors to the fore front. I'm not saying that my grippes were not legitimate but I could have dealt with them differently.
I would caution KM2 as to how she should proceed. If he has weapons I would be careful. Km2 have you gone to a domestic violence support group? I would get some expert help many are free. They maybe able to help you leave in a safe manner. He won't change unless there are consequences. I know that.
"I'm feeling kind of guilty about titling my thread "Abuse"....I think maybe I should have titled it "Abuse?"
Km2 breaking things,^^^^^^^ locking you in rooms, breaking down doors is abuse. Stop questionning yourself. Ask yourself what he would do if you punched holes in walls and broke down doors? What would he say or do?
No one is saying to leave him. I think we want you and the kids to be safe. But you need guidance from experts. Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
