I was once a WAW. I went to my first H and told him that I was unhappy in our marriage. He changed for about 3 weeks, then he went right back to being himself. He was never home for me or our 3 kids. So, a year later I told him that I wanted a separation. He was very upset. He begged, pleaded and cried for me not to leave. I told him that I came to you a year ago and told you how I felt and you did nothing. So now I need the space. Well, I moved out. But he called me everyday to fight with me. What he did not realize was the more he pursued me, he was pushing me farther away. Then oneday I got very tired of it and I filed for the D. We are now best friends. He makes a great friend than a husband.
And now, I am the LBW. I started to the same thing with my second H when he walked out. Then one day, I was thinking about my first marriage and how my H pursued me. I was doing the exact same thing. When I realized that, I went dark. I was dark about 6 wks, then my husband started to text me and then calling me. We had lunch and even spent a couple of Saturdays ago together. Last night I invited him over for Thanksgiving and he said he would love to come. I have made some needed changes and he can see that. So going dark, really works.
This is true, but it's a first step. Going dark is a stop-gap. What are your plans for Thanksgiving? What are you doing in-between?
I have a lot of time off during Thanksgiving. I will probably spend time with my mom and share some time with my kids.
Also, I have to go to the doctors, he will probably change medicine around to help blood pressure and anxiety. I am trying to get it under control, but this mess really has me upset. I am trying to get me some good ideas to calm down and reduce the stress.
I had to txt my w about a problem with my son. He hit a car last month backing out of a spot. To repair our car it will cost 1,000. I txt her about it. She said she didn't have the money to fix, I told her I didn't either, will we be able to split. She said she had to have 1st and last month rent for her place.
So nothing has changed, she is still in the same mind set. I try to stay positive that something will change, but it hasn't yet. I haven't said much around the kids lately about how much I want their mom back. That is really hard because it's the truth. This patience thing is really hard. Right now she is at my sister-n-laws house visiting and is having my kids down there. I loved to be going down to.
One goal I would like, is for us both just be able to be around each other without her worrying about me talking about r and will be able to look at me.
Good goal. Now, break that down into steps. How will you accomplish it?
You're right, she doesn't want to be around you mainly b/c she knows you well enough to realize you're going to want to discuss the MR. So, to her, the best way of handling that is just keep away from you.
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sandi2, can you give me some insight on the lack of eye contact. Since you are giving me info from the other point of view. Is this something you went through also. Why is there such a difficulty with this? Is it because of the hurt and pain, the anger toward me, is she afraid I will pick up something she is hiding, because she is uncomfortable with me or her decision, is she afraid she will let her guard down and show some emotions for me that she is trying to keep hid, or other possibilities?
I would say that it is very possibly all those things....except for the last part you mentioned. To be blunt, it is not b/c she's hiding any emotions for you (if you mean feeling love for you). I kind doubt that it's due to her pain & anger toward you. Of course, I don't know her personally, but you can think of how she did in past times if she was angry at you. Did she look you in the eye then? Some women turn inward when they are very hurt, but I still don't think that's the main reason for lack of eye contact. I tend to think it is either b/c she's hiding something (but not necessarily the things you've mentioned) or she is avoiding R talk you might initiate.
She probably feels very uncomfortable around you due to her decision, but not necessarily b/c she thinks she's made the wrong decision....but b/c she thinks you are going to put pressure on her to not follow through with all of this.
When you don't want a person engaging in a conversation (or affection), don't you avoid eye contact? Notice that young lovers usually stare into each other's eyes b/c they most certainly want the verbal and physical attention from each other. Naturally, she's going to do the opposite now.
IMHO, the main reason she would not look you in the eyes is b/c of guilt. I always have been an eye to eye person, especially my H. However, when he confronted me about my EA and the OM, I would not look into his eyes. Later, I would avoid doing that simply b/c I knew (or thought I knew) he would take it as a "sign" that I was "coming around" and I did not want to encourage him.
When a person is ice cold to you, they don't usually look into your eyes unless it is some type of confrontation. That's not what she wants from you.
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Also, from a WAW point of view, even though you are putting on this strong front for everyone, are you still struggling internally with the idea I still love the h/w even though they keep telling them and everyone else I don't, am I doing the right thing,etc
Yes, I think so, unless she's completely over the edge if sanity. But she's trying to convince herself, you, and friends & relatives that she knows what she's doing is for the best in the long run. She can't afford to show anything but a strong "front".
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I guess what I am saying, what kind of internal struggles continue for the WAW or in this case you after you walk.
I can't speak for "after they walk", since I never left the house, but I think I can safely say she definitely suffers with internal struggles. Every morning I would tell myself that I was going to stay in my M. By the time I got home from work, I couldn't wait to contact OM and feed the ego monster I had become. A lot of my internal struggles was trying to drown out any rational voice that spoke to my conscience. I did a good job rewriting history. My H has the best heart of anyone I have ever known. He has never intentionally hurt me nor was he ever cruel. Everyone who knows my H thinks he's wonderful. So, it was a hard task trying to convince anyone else that I had grounds to break up our M.....much less justify another man! You just can't do it. You can't justify having an A.
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What are some of the things you told your h when you went through this? I want to compare notes.
Right now I can't remember of a thing! You see, he had solid proof of my EA. When he confronted me with what he knew....I said nothing much at all. Unusual, as I am considered the "talker" in our R. I made no excuses for myself. I didn't try to tell him he was wrong, or that OM was a friend. I remember I stayed home from work the next day and it was not a day I'd want to remember. I do recall him responding to something I said. I'm not sure what I said.....but I have very clear memory of what he said. I had given some type of threat about leaving until I could decide what I wanted to do. He said if I ever left him that there would be no "coming back". Another time when I was trying to suggest that we just share the same roof and try to be "friends".....he said that we would not be enlisting in the buddy-buddy system.
Sorry I can't help more in the actual conversations. So much of that has been forgotten. Strange......b/c I figured that was branded on my brain! When I read stories here on the board, it often triggers my memory and I think, "Oh, I said the same thing to my H".
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they always ask if she is having an affair or the online stuff says there is ea or pa.
Well, probably b/c in most cases, there is an A or else the woman wants to be free to have one, if the right one presented itself.... .....and it usually does. If there has been no abuse, or no other "reasonable" excuse for a woman to leave her home(especially) and her M, and uproot her children.....why would she? It doesn't make much sense, does it? But you see, women feed into this "lie" that is being fed to society these days. Just look over the DB board and see how many more WAW's there are compared to WAH's. It's astounding! Guess that's why I'm not much a fan of FB, b/c of all the crazy women who start digging up old boyfriends, etc. Of course, they've always listen to the wrong friends influence them into leaving an unhappy M. Wow! Guess I'm the one venting now. But it's so sad to see all these women (even the older ones) walking away from their M's. I may not remember everything I said to my H five years ago, but I remember why I'm still here. I believe in M and what God designed it to be. I'm very blessed that I still have mine.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know I am just like everyone else on this forum, I want to save my marriage. Other than going dark and working on myself, what other things can I do to help on the long road of restoring the r.
As you can tell, I still want our family back together.
...what other things can I do to help on the long road of restoring the r.
The one thing I think you have to resign yourself to in this struggle is acceptance that TIME, TIME and more TIME is what is going to be needed for you to see if your M has a chance.
As much as we want things resolved NOW, we do not have control over our S's timeline. Heck, they don't even have that control. It is something that will evolve and you just have to accept that.
So work on yourself. Make those meaningful 180's a permanent part of the new you and hang on.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Other than going dark and working on myself, what other things can I do to help on the long road of restoring the r.
IMHO, I don't think you should go dark. It's extremely hard when there are children involved and the LBH usually just comes across as a cold jerk to the WAW. In some cases, going dark is effective, but I think in your cases you just need to pull back from your W. That includes no initial contacting/communication with her. If she contacts you, remember the KISS rule of thumb.....Keep it Simple & Short.
With the holidays around the corner, I think you'll have plenty of opportunities to show off these 180's:
Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without her and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. This is not as easy as it sounds. This is work!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne....and a new scent. It does affect the female more than you may know, and it can cause her to take notice and may wonder. That's a little part of being mysterious.
Don't sit around thinking about her – get busy with living life. Think of things to do. Your community should have plenty to offer this time of year. Great time to meet new friends or discover something new and interesting.
When the children are a young age, there is usually some "sight" made between the WAW & LBH when the kids are exchanged, and especially throughout the holidays. Since your kids are older, do you have any idea how this will work? Will they come & go whenever they want? S17 probably has driving license, right?
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show her happiness and contentment. This may confuse her b/c it is not what she expected. Show her the man she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c she will see through all of that. That's one reason for keeping the any contacts short.
Now I'm not suggesting that you use your children, but as a woman I can tell you that our kids having a great R with their father can be very positive to us. Just as long as she doesn't feel that you are trying to be the "Santa Claus" parent. You know what that is, right? Focus on making a close R with them, no matter what happens with the M. Don't ask them questions about your W. Trust me on this one. When your W begins to have a spark of interest due to your changes already stated, she'll casually ask the D if you ever ask about her. When the D says, "no".......ha! You've just increased that level of interest 150%. Then your W will get more curious about your life. Her focus will be more on you than her original ideas of why she wasn't happy with you.
Time to stop being (or behaving) like an old, boring, married man!
What are the plans for Thanksgiving?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just read your entire thread Chope and agree with 2tP's advice. Be patient, this is most likely going to be a long journey. Become the best man you can be and resign yourself to the fact that you can only control you.
You see, he had solid proof of my EA. When he confronted me with what he knew....I said nothing much at all. Unusual, as I am considered the "talker" in our R. I made no excuses for myself. I didn't try to tell him he was wrong, or that OM was a friend. I remember I stayed home from work the next day and it was not a day I'd want to remember. I do recall him responding to something I said. I'm not sure what 
.....and it usually does. If there has been no abuse, or no other "reasonable" excuse for a woman to leave her 
Then your W will get more curious about your life. Her focus will be more on you than her original ideas of why she wasn't happy with you. 