Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Thanks 25!

I so know that everything you say (and have told me repeatedly now) is what I need to do. So here I go beginning again from this day forward.

I just texted him what you suggested.
Thanks so much. Gotta go feed the baby and put the girls to bed. Will come back later to read and get inspiration from others.

thanks again!!!

[keep_going]

H is coming back tomorrow and he wants to talk about the D. He wants to do mediation and not spend a lot of money that we don't have. I would be willing to first hear what he proposes (I already talked to a lawyer and know based on California's laws and formulas what he would probably end up giving me for child support and alimony.)

But my question is - how do I approach the D overall? Do I cooperate with him? If we do mediation it will happen very fast, is my understanding...

Do I want to buy time?

What do I say? Do I propose a legal separation instead?
Do I ask to go to counseling? (I had asked H before - to learn to communicate better regardless of the outcome of our M). He said he would think about it, but after one fight a few weeks ago, he said he was actually going to agree to it, until that day and that fight. Should I bring it up again?

WHAT SHOULD BE MT ATTITUDE WITH HIM AND MY APPROACH?

I have been scouring the boards but have not found anything specific on this. Maybe I am not looking in the right place?

Thanks for any help or suggestions!!!

[Rick1963]

Hi keep going so sorry you are dealing with this also. I'm going to my 1st court date next Wednesday. I was told to let my W go and let her have what she wants. To let her go through with it ( even tho I pushed her to do it after I had an outburst). We haven't even discussed the court date. I act as if nothing is going on. Not sure if is the right thing to do or not. I already asked my W to reconsider when I was served so she knows where I stand. I think you should prepare yourself for either outcome. If he files you will have no control and can't stop it. My advice is to listen to what he says about it and validate. we are told to let them do all of the leg work. I can't tell you what to do regarding the C or separation. Hang in there

[imthemom]

Keep Going,
Just wanted to give you some support, your sitch has a little similarity to mine and I was reading your post really feeling for you. The kids are so younge, that makes me sad for all of you.
I just started a new thread and am not sure how to attach them so maybe you can find them and get my story.
I did not find out about OW until well after my H asked for D..and I was shocked, had no idea and have been devistated since.
until I caught him I had taken the approach of telling H that I did not want this divorce and if he did he would have to file and pay for it and I would not help him or support him in that matter. I said it calmly and with kindness. He did not know how to react and never did fill out the papers or file them. I filed papers the day after I caught him in our bed. I will say that through talking to people on this board I have come to regret that since I still do not want a divorce. I didnt have a choice considering my financial sitch but I now have a deadline of 6 months to turn this around and its on the fast track...
which makes me feel out of control...which in learning of myself, I DONT LIKE!!
Its hard to DB in the middle of a divorce but I am trying, it kinda feels like your living in the twilight zone, but Im a firm believer that you can adapt to anything if you have to.
stay strong for your kids and ill keep following your story.
my thoughts are with you

[mishka422]

KG,

This is going to take every ounce of self control you can muster.

1)Sit down and let him talk about what he wants. Validate unless it becomes downright abusive.

2)Calmly tell him this is not what you want but you also won't stand in his way and try to muck up the process. Neither of you has the funds to do that, right?

3)If he starts throwing out numbers to you that are no where near what the formulas require then make sure to calmly tell him you have done some research (no need to tell him about the L) and found that the formula requires $xxx.xx amount per month. Let it sink in to his head. Say nothing else about it.

4)As far as legal separation, what would you want to accomplish with that? It doesn't do anything other than stop just short of a full D. Trust me, he would only view it as a pathetic stall tactic. Men don't like games and it would seem like one.

5)Ask him again if he would be willing to go to C with you not only regarding your anger issues, but also to learn co-parenting skills that will need to be in place before a D is final. You have very young children and have 18 years of this with him. It's going to be a long R no matter what the outcome of the M is.

[keep_going]

Rick - thanks for the post. I checked out your thread and posted a few words of encouragement - I hope they help you get thru Wednesday. I am sorry things are happening so fast for you.

imthemom - thanks for your words of encouragement. I found your thread and read it. I am hoping things turn out well for you. I don't know how your H reacted to your filing, but remember that it's not a done deal yet. If you can solve the financial issues, maybe you don't need to go thru it til the end?

mishka - thanks for the advice. I did listen to H when he came back and brought the D issue up. He said he wanted to talk to me about it because he didn't just want to file. He said he wanted us "to agree on things." As he had said before - he wants mediation.

So I listened and acknowledged. I told him I understood what he was saying and wanted. And that was it. I did not agree or disagree. (my db coach suggested that as well). He was clearly waiting for me to say more and prodded me to expand on it. He might have been looking for me to agree with him? He seemed disappointed that I didn't get into it more.

That was on Friday night. We'll see if he makes an appointment with a mediator or tries to set up a time to talk the two of us. In the meantime I will not bring it up again.

I think I had a great weekend. I am pretty satisfied with my behavior and reactions with H. Friday night I made plans to see a cousin who had a layover here returning from a trip. So i asked H if he could watch the kids from 8 - 11 cause I had plans. He agreed and came over. I looked good and didn't tell him about my plans and thanked him for helping. When I returned is when we had the R / Divorce conversation.

While I was gone, he texted me about our college basketball team's first game of the season. We are huge sports fans and have always shared that. He also fixed my internet connection with was messed up.

I thanked him - I now always thank him for anything he does - small or big, since he has complained that he felt unappreciated.

Sat PM I dropped off kids at his place. He was not there - he misunderstood and went to my place to pick them up. When he arrived I could tell he was irritated. He didn't say hello to me and went to the kitchen - Sometimes when he is upset, he does that - doesn't say hello and goes straight to say hello to the kids.

We have had arguments about this before- I would complain that he was rude or have sarcastically said hello to him. Not this time. I calmly went to the kitchen and casually said hi.

He was also very passive-agressive that night - complaining about little things.
1) Kids had not had had dinner (I dropped them off at 6 and we always eat at 6:30 and he knows that).
2) I packed dresses for the girls and didn't include leggings, so they would be cold. (It was 70 degrees today...)
3) I didn't pack the baby's bouncing chair (he had never asked for it before).

But I didn't let him get to me. I validated him and calmly explained why I had not done these things. I then said goodbye to the kids and told him I had to run cause I had plans and was running late.
(second night in a row. and I didn't tell him where I was going either)...

I went out for dinner with my best friend and we had a good time.

[keep_going]

Sunday...

Another good day with H. It occurred to me to do something different. Since he complained on Sat. night about me not bringing some items for the kids, I decided to stop by and bring them over on Sunday morning to show him that I listened to him and wanted to cooperate with him.

So I took a shower, dressed in a pretty skirt and blouse and stopped by. He seemed a bit surprised and thanked me for bringing those items. I was smiling and very friendly. I interacted with the girls and then told him it was a beautiful day outside. (it really was).

I told him it was a great morning for a walk at the beach and he said that sounded like a good idea. I was a bit surprised he accepted the invite (he has always been open to hanging out as a family, but lately he has really been trying to detach from me), specially since he brought up the D two days ago.

We hung out with kids for a while and then got them ready and went to the beach. We then had lunch together. When it was all said and done, we hung out from 9 - 3pm.

All the time, I was very upbeat, smiled a lot and listened and validated a lot. He actually was very talkative. Told me about his work convention and was careful not to mention OW, although we both know that she was involved in all his activities. I listened carefully, looked in the eye and kept the conversation going.

He also told me about a book he is beginning to write on customer service and I asked questions about it. He mentioned still writing some poetry. I know he shares his poems with OW and has only shared one with me a few months ago, but never really discussed it with me.

So I brought it up today and asked him about it. I could immediately tell that he was trying to downplay his sharing it, almost like he regretted it and he got uncomfortable so I immediately dropped the subject.

All in all, it was a great family day. We did not have one bad exchange or disagreement. He texted with OW on a few occasions, but as my DB coach suggested, I pretended that he was checking game scores...

When I left, I thanked him for hanging out and told him I had fun. He said he had fun as well.

[keep_going]

I think my H is completely out of his mind...

Two things happened today that totally shocked me.

1) While at the beach, H brought up the Xmas holidays. I am taking the kids with me to Mexico (we go there every other year for 2 weeks and he had agreed that I could do so this year as well using our accumulated credit card points.) I had invited him to come with us with absolutely zero expectations - more as a courtesy, since I was using the points.

So today he asked me if I had used all the points (he knew I had cause I had told him about it by email). He then complained that it was a lot of points and that he was bummed I used them all cause he was thinking of getting a tix for himself. (never mind that he had already used some of those points to take OW on a sunset cruise and helicopter ride for her birthday a month ago...)

At first I thought he wanted points to buy tix to go see OW, but I soon realized he was referring to getting a tix to come with us. It was a bit passive-agressive of him to approach this as a complaint, but I didn't bite. I didn't get upset and told him that if he wanted to come with us, we should try to find a way of buying a tix and that he should be with his kids for the holidays if he wanted to...

Why am I shocked? He just asked for the D and he must know that my family is NOT happy with our sitch. Nobody in my family would ever be mean or rude to him. Everyone adores him and we all have manners and when anyone sees him at my place, they are always polite and pleasant. But that doesn't mean they agree with his leaving us (specially when I was pregnant).

How would he even consider going down to my country, with ALL my family for the holidays is really surprising, but if he wants to do it, I am not going to recant my invitation.

I doubt he will go thru with it, and will not get my hopes up, but I was suprised that he is considering it, even though I know how much he will miss the kids...

[keep_going]

Second shocking thing tonight was not pleasant at all, but I know I handled it well...

When H was getting ready to leave tonight after dropping the kids, he said, out of the blue "BTW, we have not picked a nickname for our three-month old son. I was thinking we can call him baby tiger."

As I mentioned in an earlier post, when I read one of his love letters with OW just last week, I discovered that they call each other Papa Tiger / Mama tiger and she called our son "baby tiger." She also gave my H a stuffed tiger as a present and an embroidered bib with my son's name and date of birth and a picture of a baby tiger...

So when I heard H suggest that nickname tonight, I was sick to my stomach and felt like crap. BUT, because I had read that letter (and when I did I cried because I felt that even for this so very personal thing he was trying to replace me), I almost saw it coming when he said we had to pick a nick-name. I had a haunch because he has been so transparent and insensitive when it comes to those things, that I was almost like I was expecting him to suggest that nickname.

Instead of getting furious and fighting with him or yelling at him, I played dumb. I asked playfully "why would we call him a tiger silly, if we are a bear family?" (we have always called each other papa bear, mama bear, etc.) He even tried to insist and convince me that it was a good nickname, that our son "looked like a baby tiger." But I responded "Besides, our other bears (our girls and our stuffed animal bears) would not like that." He simply smiled and said nothing more.

I was soooo hurt inside... This might seem very stupid to others, but my H has always said that he loved how we were always comfortable acting like little kids around each other and having this "cute" bear interactions together.

I am proud of my reaction tonight and not getting upset in front of him. But inside, I was absolutely devastated and shocked. I cannot believe he is now trying to get me to use a nickname for OUR son that he and OW are using!

Is this normal behavior for someone who is with OW???? Can someone please explain it to me? I had never been cheated on, and my H had never acted like this, so I feel like I am going crazy here.

I know my H has always had low self-esteem, and I can clearly see how he is taking on her personality, always liking what she does, dressing as she wants him to, etc. and trying to please her to no end.

But to me this incident just re-confirms my belief of how obsessed he is with her and how serious he is about his R with her. I don't know who initiated this "tiger bear" thing, but WHY COPY US??? WHY NOT DO SOMETHING ORIGINAL AND DIFFERENT???

I see it as just another indication of how he is simply trying to replace me. And just when I think there is nothing he can do re. OW that will take me by surprise, he shocks me again...

Is this what happens when OW comes in the picture and establishes a long-term R with our spouses????

Ugh...What's next?

[BklynMom]

Do you have a IC? or a support group? I think this will help a lot with your DBing? I have 2 kids under 4 and cant imagine having a 3rd in the mix. If you can figure out some babysitting for you to go to IC, maybe in AD they will help with outbursts.

Being home alone with kids is the hardest job I have ever had and I have a lot of help. A woman I worked with said I should ask for H to pay for live in help to replace him as part of D. I thought she made a really good point. It is extremely hard what you are doing pshyically, mentally & emotionally. Give yourself a lot of credit. It doesnt sound like you have a lot of family near you so I know how hard it can be.

Give yourself credit you are doing an impossible job, raising 3 kids - your H (like mine) thinks he is 18.

Dont talk or text him unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. Just dont. A bill collector called my house regarding my H cell bill, I didnt tell him. I noticed a few days later (via our bank account) that he paid the bill. I do not initiate connect spontaneously I always wait a few days then decide if its ABSOLUTELY necessary.

GOOD LUC. You are doing great!! Hang in there