Hi, DC, everything sounds good. You seem to have peace within yourself. I am amazed at the difference from when you first posted. One thing, when or if om comes back, ignore his very existence. Don't take the bait when your W acts out. Be as upbeat and friendly as you always are. You'll get through it fine.
How many days sober now? I think it's just great that you've come this far.
Its 14 weeks this weekend!!, and I don't miss it 1 bit!! Well, I do miss a glass of red with a good steak!, but I can live with that!!
All is still good with me, not sure the same for my wife.
She called me yesterday complaining that our sons attitude was terrible, he was lazy, sulking, and had no respect for her or her home, she was going on, then started to cry, saying that she was under so much pressure, with work, a large house to look after and the kids, etc.
I just listened and asked if there was anything she wante me to do to help, she said no not really, but could I speak to him about his behaviour, I agreed, and told her not to get upset.
I said I knew the pressure she was under as it was the same when we were together, and that it could only be harder for her now she was on her own, strange really, as we have the kids 50/50, I have a full time job, and a house, and I'm ok!!!
She thanked me and calmed down, we finished the call all well.
I think that reality is far from the dream she was expecting.
Life is still really hard just because we are apart, and its not getting easier.
I spoke to my son last night, he just said that she was always in a bad mood, and was moaning at him over everything.
He's 12 so it probably a bit of puberty kicking in, I told him if he needed to talk at any time to call me, and to not to be rude to his mother, it wasn't nice. He also said he was fine about us splitting now, but still gets upset at times, I just told him not to worry, we will all be ok some how.
Reality is really hard once the dust has settled on everyone, but it seems my wife is having it hard now.
On top of that OM is due around this time, so there will be pressure from him wanting to see her, add this to the equation and it's tough keeping everything going for her.
But I need to keep positive on me, I'm great!!!
Gym again last night, feel good, and look loads better!!!
i just hope she will be ok with everything, and the kids don't suffer too much.
Great!! 14 weeks sober. I know you are in the UK, and probably don't drink it, but here in Alabama, even though we like our beer or wine, we love a big glass of iced tea with a nice juicy steak! With lemon.
I think your W is certainly feeling the stress. You said she was under stress when y'all were together? Was she always stressed out then? I would say you are right about S's behavior. Sounds like she is getting a taste of what it is like to have the kids without a H in the house to send them to when she gets fed up. I don't imagine it will get any easier anytime soon. And, like you said, the om coming around will make her more stressed out getting things ready for him. That will get old, soon enough.
It sounds like your R with the kiddos is getting better all the time. This sort of situation is hard at best for the kids, but having a well-grounded parent in their court is going to help them get through it. They both know you love them and will take care of them always. You are a good father.
Thanks VC, its nice to know that my parenting skills have improved so much by just not drinking and appreciating my kids much much more!
Not sure about the ice tea though!!, it's 5 degrees here!!
Although I'm great, I'm happy, settled, content with most things in life. I feel good, I'm really enjoying the gym, my job is going well, and just got a nice Xmas bonus!!!
In the last few days I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about my wife with OM!! I have not done this for weeks, but as I know he's around from this weekend it's really playing on my mind, and I hate it!!
I have tried the big stop sign in my head, when I think about him, but I find I'm really struggling with it?
Its easy when I know he's away, its just that my wife and I are apart during this time, but when he's around she is with him, that still hurts big time!!!!!
It's really hard for me to not think about it, even though everything is going so well for me, and myself and my wife have really got on so well recently.
I know I will keep the situation friendly and will not speak about him, or the fact that I know he's around, but it still hurts BIG time.
I also know it's out of my control, and nothing really to do with me, I will still act happy and enjoying things, and not show the hurt I am feeling.
She has been great lately, even minor flirting, but I also know that it will all stop now, she will remain on good terms, but I'll be surprised if she continues with the constant contact, in fact it's already noticable, yesterday was the first day she has not contacted me in around 4-5 weeks!!!
I don't know if she is having any conflict of interest, but it must be hard to switch her contact like that, maybe its easy for her!!
I just have to maintain the life I have right now, no arguing, no fighting, it's just all good.
I may have this all wrong, but it feels like i'm in a competion with this guy, were she has to decide who she wants to be with, my problem is I need a lot of time for her to see the changes are real, but she has mentioned how I've changed recently, maybe she is still not sure how real they are.
But they are for me and the kids to enjoy, and it's up to her if she wants to be part of it.
On a plus note, I have still not received any further correspondence regarding the divorce itself? Not sure what is happening there, it's been months since it was last mentioned, she has the house, but the divorce process seems to have stopped? Not sure, but its causing me no stress, so I'm not going to ask.
Yay for Christmas bonuses!! The city took away all the longevity pay last year, so who knows if my H will get it this year. That was a big part of our Christmas money
It is something how making one change can improve your life the way your quitting drinking has. Imagine if everyone made just one positive change in their lives.
It's funny, you talking about a big juicy steak. My H has today off for Veteran's Day, and we are going to go get some steaks to grill tomorrow. So, thanks for making me crave one!
I know it is hard not to think of W with om, but you can't dwell on it, it will get you too stressed out. He is obviously not worth the room he is taking up in your mind. Any dumba** who would do what he is, is just not worth what it costs you in peace of mind. If she is flirting with you and being all friendly, just act as if this weekend, and then pretend it never happened, say nothing, and go back to the nice way things have gotten lately when the weekend is over. Eventually, she may see the difference between you two, and the scales may weigh in your favor. I just can't imagine this om R being sustainable for a long time. I think she is probably stressed out, too. It's going to wear her down, eventually. I agree with you, she has to see that the changes are real. My H said the same thing to me; he had to wait to see if the changes were real, and said he saw they were. And things are so much better. I know there was A going on, and sometimes it gets on my mind, but knowing we are continuing to fix us, and that ow is gone from our lives, helps me to not dwell on it.
Well, if things are going along fine, let the D stuff go. Maybe she isn't as interested in it right now.
I hope you and the kids have a terrific weekend! vc
DCS, CONGRATS on 14 weeks, that's huge! I feel really hopeful for you, and for your M, but for you either way. That's really the point, isn't it?
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Thanks guys, I know I'm going to be ok one way or another, just wish at times I either still didn't love my wife or didn't hurt still!!
The hurt is only when I let thoughts enter my head, I miss her loads, but I don't hurt now, not sure what happened there!!!
So much for no contact!! Had 2 calls after my post, then a visit to mine to drop things off for the kids, then came back with something she had forgot but what wasn't really needed?? I also felt she was happy being there and didn't want to leave??
She then rang later to speak to the kids, but spent more time talking to me about Xmas!!!
I honestly don't know what she wants and I think neither does she at times!!
When she comes to mine and she sees how happy the kids and I are, all laughing and relaxed, she must have some doubts!!! I'd be amazed if she didn't!!
The fact I've not drank for 14 weeks alone is a massive change and 1 she didn't expect, truthfully, maybe I didn't at first, but I'm here and well!!
She said she will call me later today??
Again contact, contact, it's nice, I like it, it does give me hope, but I have to put that out of my mind, and keep positive about me and my life, not just if she wants to be part of it, which she does, just maybe not in the way I want!! But that's today, tomorrow, who knows!!!
Have a good weekend guys!! Thanks for the support!!!
I know the OM is about for the next few weeks, he was back in town from Friday, but not sure if wife has been with him? If so it must have been for a very short period as I have seen her loads??
I know I shouldn't think about it, it will drive me insane, but it does make me wonder!!
Saw the kids loads, and had a great time with them.
My son called to ask if he could come over yesterday to see me, it wasn't a problem, he walked over, its about 10mins away, he had something to eat, we watched TV, laughed, messed about, then wife called to pick him up, I had made a small effort to look tidy, not my usual joggers and t-shirt, it was only jeans and a shirt, and my hair was tidy, but she blatantly just looking at me, I had to look away at one stage, it was so obvious.
We exchanged pleasantries, all nice, she thanked me for having him??, don't know why?? then left.
As she left I really thought there was a massive connect between us, I am not going to mention it, or get carried away with it, but something happened between us as we looked at eah other, well, I thought so!!!
So I now just continue, no contact, and nice and happy when we do, I think its just patience now, and if nothing ever happens between us, it will be very sad, but I will be fine. But, I cannot honestly see nothing ever happening between us again, it might be years, it might be days, but it will happen at one time, and when she does tell me she wants more, I just hope I'm ready.
Just after my post my wife calls, its about nothing really just some arrangements regarding the kids that could have waited, but again another call!!!
As she was speaking she had to go to take another call at work, about a hour later she called back to apologise for ending the call!!!
I'm totally confused with everything still!!!
I feel that she wants back in, not sure to what extent, but she wants something?
I have even asked to maybe do something as friends a while ago, so the offer is there if she wants to take it. And although I'm moving on with things for me, I do feel at times I'm waiting for a call from her to start things moving between us again, mad I know, but something is really changing.
I came on here to purely get things off my chest as I feel like I want to call her and ask her out for a drink or something, but I know thats the last thing I should do!!!!!
Can some of the wise old heads give me their thoughts on this what they think is going on?
I have given this woman everything she wants, the house, space, everything I should do.
It took me a while to totally understood what I was doing wrong, but I finally got it.
Currently I'm 14 weeks sober, my kids love me, I get on great with her, she calls me daily, on numerous times, when we see each other we smile, laugh and flirt to some degree, although it is very minor. I've stopped all talk about the past and don't mention it anymore, only to say its gone and good riddance!!!
I know this woman, I know when she looks at me how she feels, there is no hate or anger in her eyes anymore, we get on great, the connection is growing everyday, I can see it and feel it, even the kids have mentioned how mum and I are friends again!!
It is going so well between us now, and I feel that now is a critical time for us, I don't want to push her away by asking for anything, but I don't want her waiting for me to ask either, so if your not sure what to do, do nothing!!!!
Its very hard though, the waiting, if she was a male friend that I had lost as a friend, and then got back together again with, I would ask them to go for a drink and lets put the past behind us, but this isn't that simple!!!
