Too late?

[Nblost]

I had forgotten I had posted here...I had just discovered H's affair and I was a mess. At that point, he claimed it was just an EA but it was a full blown PA and is still continuing. I'm posting under Infidelity (full story is there).

I think I was always lower desire than my H, but over the past 5-6 years had gotten worse because of our conversations about it. H made me feel like I wasn't a sexual person and lacked passion. I know I have been more passionate with other people but he really hurt my self-esteem and zapped my sex drive. That said, we did continue to ML at least once every couple weeks if not more often. The other problem was though that between our crazy lives, three kids, moving across the country last year, and two full-time jobs...I had lost myself. I was in a bad mood a lot of nights by the time H got home from work late. None of that helped in the bedroom.

I'm now doing the LRT strategy although H still seems to have a foot in our marriage...so I've also been "romantic" with him when he comes home from his work trips (OW lives in the city where he travels to). He is seeing my increased sex drive and more playfulness. I'm trying to walk a line between being more open/affectionate and coming across as desperate. We now sleep intertwined. I've also lost about 20 pounds since our marriage crisis hit and H has noticed how good I look. I still have insecurities though now that he is involved with someone else...I constantly wonder what OW does that is better than me in bed, etc. Although, I have no doubt it isn't hard to outdo me in his eyes given our history and that they are in a brand new relationship.

I think my next goal is to try to listen to him about his A (when he is ready to talk) and purely listen to what he needs to get from me for our M to improve. I think you are right that he needs to feel accepted and trusted. I sense a bit of that coming back...but hard to know. He claims he needs another month or two in the A to see where it goes...otherwise, he will always wonder.

I would love to get to a better place with H and prove myself to him...although I'm also working on detaching and I believe if H doesn't benefit from the improving me...the next guy will!

Thanks for responding to my initial posting. I was new to the boards and I was hurting so much when I wrote that.

M: 12 years
T: 14 years
Me: 43
H: 45
D10, D8, D4
MLC/problems: 7/11
A confirmed: 9/15/11