Daughter is not mine...

[25yearsmlc]

what sandi said...


You do go on at length about how wrong and "despicable" your w's affair was in your hour of need

but according to YOU, you deserted her first. IN case you didn't realize this, she had her hours of need too...and they were spent alone, or caring for the other child. OR sending you links and asking for you to get help so she would not have to bear the burden all alone, as she did...

And you were out of action for awhile... she reached out to you a lot...the emails and links and suggestions for getting help and telling you point blank to lose weight b/c she wasn't attracted to you as a heavy man--she wanted to be attracted to you...what did you do about it then?

I'm sorry to say this, but that's how I see it, so not just how your wife may see it, but ME, how I'd see it.

I'm reading this and shaking my head when you said you "got depressed" (as if you think SHE wasn't frantic and terrified and sad as hell too....)

WHO do you think SHE needed then?

As Sandi said, we women are programmed to go to our men for comfort and strength at that time, in our hour of need, to lean on each other if possible

but you checked out on her and the marriage long ago.

Only when she withdrew her affection and had an affair, did you bother to notice much...and instead of owning your part in this, you initially stared again, at YOUR loss and went into the self pity mode and got mad at HER.



How has that^^^^ helped your situation? B/c this site is about doing what helps the marriage and NOT doing what hurts it...simple but radically different than most....and this is a KEY concept for you to grasp ASAP.



I'm sorry to say this but as a woman who barely managed to avoid a full out PA 20 years ago in a time of marital neglect that pales in comparison to yours

I can very very easily see how the affection and affirmation and support of OM must have been so appealing to someone in so much need.

I'm not defending it but heck yes, I understand it.

And the other thing-a signficant % of couples divorce when a child dies and it's not b/c they "blame" the other parent (though I'm sure that happens too) but b/c they want to escape the pain of their past. This isn't shocking.

I did medical malpractice law for several years and saw this a lot. The appeal of the affair with OP is, in part, an escape from severe grief--

The OP does not know the deceased child. They are not reminders of the great sadness that hangs over the parent/spouse 24/7...

it takes an usual couple to make it through those times.

The good news is that I do see hope in your sitch. As you lose weight and get back into shape, that visual is such a great symbol of the changes within, that she cannot help but wonder if you are becoming the man she fell in love with. That's a great start.


You can come here and vent all you want and complain about her and how SHE much change for you to want her back...but SHE is not here posting to save the marriage

and the only person YOU have any control over is YOU...

so you are our focus. Do you understand why that is?

All your criticisms of her, and the need you have of her confessing all, do nothing to advance your cause. THey simply help you stay mired in anger and despair, which are both unattractive AND unproductive, dark places to stay.
[u]
Don't anchor yourself in the pain of it all.

We all do things in grief we are not proud of and I'm sure her father said that.

I know you are deeply in grief but don't lose sight of how many others loved your daughter too, so you are not alone in your grief, but sadly you have not been there for anyone else in theirs....

maybe that's why you are not getting the "Support" you think you want, (ie condemning your wife's actions.)

I'm not so sure the "worst thing" your w could have done was cheat on you.

Leaving your d to suffer and die alone seems worse to me, off the top of my head. But does that matter? What about what you did to her? Are you ready to own some things now?

I know these are LOTS of 2 x 4s at once.

But you need to change your POV FAST...or it'll be too late. The longer you stay mired in self pity and self righteous anger, the harder it'll be to reconcile.

So decide if you want to be "right", or happy again.


Your anger may be misdirected grief, I don't know and I"m not qualified to assess. But my guess is you need to get help from a professional and separate your issues.

Sorry. And good luck. I hope you manage the anger you feel and really take that brave, terrifying deep look inward, where the real journey lies.

God bless and comfort you and your wife at this time of year, and

May you find peace and may you reach out to her and help share the burden of the grief you both feel...

((( )))