Seems to me that THIS is something worth exploring at a much deeper level. If your W is complaining about a lack of passion in her life, perhaps you should be trying to figure out what YOU need to do to getting that back. Time will tell if you will be allowed to explore this area with your W, but you certainly should be working on that for yourself since it appears to be a big part of why your W felt the need to go elsewhere.
I have actually been thinking about it over this long span of time, and I think that you're right in suggesting that I take a long look at this area of my M. Part of the reason, I feel, was my place as a "one-down" in the relationship. My W probably found it very hard to be attracted to what she saw as an "unmanly" guy. Being a "nice guy" tends to be very unattractive as other nice guys (and women!) on the board will attest.
I would sometimes try to initiate sex, which was unusual for me (in the past, her traumatic reactions dictated that SHE had to be the one to initiate anything), but it wouldn't always go so great and we wouldn't end up doing anything.
I have also often reflected a lot on the idea that I began watching porn a lot close to the start of my sitch. I used to be a big user early on and did not watch it for many years because my W felt very uncomfortable with the idea. She felt that I would have thoughts that compared her looks with those of the women in the videos (which, I must admit, probably would have happened).
However, she herself started reading erotic fiction online to get in touch with her sensual side. When I asked her if she had a problem if I started watching porn again given that she was doing something similar, she said that she didn't care. (I took it as a good sign at the time -- like now she trusted me -- but it probably meant that she was just that further out the door.)
I felt at the time that my watching porn was harmless fun, but I have found several websites that state that using porn regularly can lead to problems with ED, enjoying sex with a partner, and social anxiety. It may have also made my W feel that she "wasn't enough" for me -- that I turned to something else instead of her.
During my time here, I have made an active effort to remove porn from my life. It has helped a great deal so far. (For anybody else interested in this subject, the website "Your Brain on Porn" has been my main source of info. A LOT of men who stop using porn claim a lot of great benefits.)
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
Why if your W complains about the lack of passion in your life must she be the one to work harder? It sounds to me like it was a plea for help and it went unanswered. You know at some point someone needs to take the lead on resolving problems. If it wasn't going to be your W, then why not you?
Hmmm...I guess I see both sides on this issue. True, I could have done more to iron out our problems, and I'm working on improving myself in such ways now. And MWD herself does talk about being the one to spearhead the problems in a M, if no one else.
Still, I guess that I resent the theme that my W presented over and over again during our R: that Iwas the problem, that I was the one who needed to change to make things better, that everything would be great if only I changed. (And I definitely feel that an A was not the appropriate response to our problems.)
I'm not saying I was perfect or that I couldn't improve. I just feel that if she really felt so desperate in our M, she could have made some efforts as well. It seemed like all she did was complain about how I wasn't doing enough or wasn't doing things right. She never once suggested couples' therapy, never once picked up any self-help literature...just complained about my efforts. I often felt like a chicken running around without a head: trying desperately to fix EVERYTHING but finding myself to be failing just the same.
*shrugs* I guess this is a thorny issue for me. I'm still very resentful of how she handled things. But it's good to keep mindful of my part in our downfall. In fact, I've heard a lot about "The 5 Love Languages" and I feel that my W's may have been Words of Affirmation (especially about her looks) and Physical Touch, while I mostly provided Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts.
