Daughter is not mine...

[sandi2]

Before I say anything further, I apologize in advance if I have any chain of events mixed up. Also, I do not want you to think I am defending your W for engaging in an A. I simply hope I might try to shed some tiny light on something I can identify with a little (very little).

I also saw this quote from Keep-Going and wondered if it would help you see something that started long before the tragic death of your D. If I understand correctly, that your W had not had an A before your D was diagnosed?

In those moments I want to curl up, cry and give up. Why? My thougths are - WHY AM I GOING THRU THIS ALONE? H SHOULD BE WITH ME. Isn't that what marriage is about - for better or for worse?

Now this is Keep Going's feelings of her H being physically absent in the family.

I think your W felt that you were emotionally absent in the family, when she needed you the most.

Remember when you told about the cab driver who hit your
W and you would have done a lot of harm to him, if not for her? You said:

That is what we men do. Our DNA directs us to protect and provide for our family.

I understand. Makes perfect sense. OTOH, let's look at the time when your D was diagnosed and look from your W's POV. You actually described the situation yourself:

After my daughters diagnosis and numerous hospitalizations I withdrew into severe depression. She at first was understanding and tried to help, send email links, bring books on depression, etc. After a while she became more curt or noncommunicative. She was tired of me sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I gained a lot of weight, I wasn't taking care of myself (hygiene, dress, etc). I had no interest in anything.

She told me on several occasions she was unhappy but it didn't mean anything to me. I wasn't happy either.

Just as it is in his DNA for a man to literally fight someone to protect his family, so is it her DNA to depend upon her H for his strength (after all, she's suppose to be the weaker vessel, right?) and notice that she needs him to give of his strength. Don't know if you're a Christian or not....but that's a picture lesson of us depending upon Christ for His strength. But anyway, she depends upon her H for his protection and his leadership. The female is usually smaller in build, weaker in physical endurance, and more emotional than the male. In times of crises, who does the female turn to? The male, right? No matter how educated she may be, or how successful she may be, or how much money she has.....it is her very nature to look to her husband when danger threatens to hit her....and especially her child. I don't care how tough she may be according to modern society, it is something that runs so deep within her that she can't help herself. That's the way God made her all the way back to the first woman. My question to you is.....where were you when crises hit? I'm sorry.....I know this seems very harsh to ask this sort of thing....but I want you to understand where she's coming from.

To be blunt, you failed her when she needed you most. You didn't fail her by not saving her child. You failed by withdrawing into your own selfish sorrow. She was not afforded that luxury. She felt just as abandoned as our poster "keep-going" does. The emotional abandonment is very, very bad on a woman. IMHO, it kills the in-love feelings for the H. At first, she's hurt, but after a while it turns to disgust (disrespect). She can't admire him any longer. She can't depend upon him to "show up" when tragedy hits.

That's not to say she didn't understand what you were going through, but you're suppose to be stronger than her!! Her natural instincts are telling her to draw strength from her H b/c he's the stronger gender. But you said it.....yourself.....it didn't mean anything to you. And that was what broke her down. She felt alone.

She slowly started pulling away from me. I later noticed there was less physical affection. Not just sex, mind you, but hugs and other nonintimate signs of affection.

That's what happens when a woman stops feeling what she's designed to feel for her H. Usually, she'll find somebody who shows her that she matters, or at least, he gives her some attention. I can think of more than one reason she would have turned to another man, and why she's still with him.

And like I said, I may have something out of whack on the time line, but here's what I really want you to consider,....She's trying to stay alive. You are trying to survive, too. But just as sure as the different ways the two of you went through those dark days with your D....so are you both surviving in different ways. You gave up then, and she's gave up now.

She hasn't had this A to do it "to" you, as you described. I noticed how you worded that a couple of times. She doesn't see herself doing this "to" her children.

Does it make what she's done, and continues to do, anymore acceptable or "right"? No, not at all. Does it make what she's done, and continues to do, more understandable? That's up to you.

I pray that you can find peace, b/c without it...you won't make it. I hope she can find peace also.

(((many hugs to both of you)))