I think people get into a terrible muddle with their behaviour over divorce.
My xh's brothers and sisters acted as if I had never existed [married to their brother for over 30 years] I do realise that for kids you raised must be particularly hurtful.
They behaved badly. You behaved well. I had a difficult relationship with my brother for many years, and I detached and DBed him for years, and he finally came around. Do the right thing, as you do. In one way you are showing them the right way to behave. If they choose not to see it, shame on them. I am so sorry that they are ungrateful and unfeeling right now.
As Eric reminded me, 'It's all about justification' with the X, and he is right. I just wonder how far justification can carry you?
As far and as long as you want it to. Right? But then again, that’s not your problem. Right?
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Truly enjoyed my new home this weekend
Did I miss the house warming party invite
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Anger is okay, and needs to be expressed
Yep…what it more important is HOW you choose to express it, at least IMHO.
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but when does it cross the line into obsession?
Define obsession. What do YOU think obsession is and why?
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Just remember the good you got by being married to him .... children and grandchildren. That's what I keep telling myself. The time wasn't wasted. Can't replace the kids, wouldn't want to, but exH can be replaced, even if only by a dog.
Very good quote ^^^^ ……
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and I was never sad, but I think that is part of life and, let's face it, healing and growing.
So maybe instead of thinking about the sadness (and FTR, I still do from time to time feel it)…think about what YOU have done. What you have accomplished. What YOU want YOUR life to look like in the future. Punkin, I have found that sometime we veer off of the path that we originally set for ourselves…which is seeking and living our dreams. Maybe the energy should be allocated to that effort instead of the wasted energy wondering what could have been or should have been.
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My steps and their kids did a no show. Now, that didn't really upset me, as I expected XH to have his party at the same time, and to my knowledge, did. What does hurt my feelings is that I never asked anything of them other than to bring the kids by on Halloween, as I had a special gift bag made up for them. They were a no show for me, as well. I don't mean to whine, but I've tried very hard to continue to be a part of my step grands lives, and it seems that I'm not being met half way here.
I know this sounds childish, but if is as if they don't care
Punkin…I know this pain and hurt well. I was very very close to my in laws. Initially they supported my stand, they tried to do everything in their power to get my XW to “see it”…they were unsuccessful. What I have come to realize is that THEY are in a lot of pain too. Think of detachment for a second…..we detach to insulate us from a sitch that WE deem painful. Maybe Punkin…seeing you on a holiday that THEY know MEANS a lot to you …hurts THEM.
Think of them for a second…did they want this? Probably not. Do they like slore (my nickname for OW)? Probably not. So now they are faced with having to detach, probably because they also do not want to cause YOU any pain. I doubt very much that they did not show up to hurt you. Rather, I would suspect that they just may think that it is better for you.
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I suppose I should take the high road, suck it up and just continue my overtures at every opportunity,
1) I will always suggest taking the high road IF that is WHO YOU WANT to be. 2) Replace the words “suck up”…with “I will continue to show them love and try and maintain contact but I will also RESPECT what they want”.
Punkin, it is very normal for in-laws to pull away (at least IMHO)…what should not happen..is that someone else’s action change what YOU feel and want. So as I said above, I think you should continue to reach out, when it is appropriate, while at the same time considering how they feel. For example, if you see them around town and they seem uncomfortable, then try and understand their perspective and mention that they should feel comfortable contacting you or something alongs those lines e.g. my door is always open to you and I miss and love you very much".
Show them love Punkin….show them YOU!
BTW, I have not been around lately but you know where and how to reach me.
Peace Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Keep showing them your heart. Do it with no expectations.
You are the lighthouse, Punkin. Keep shining, no matter what. Hopefully they will find their way back. If they choose not to, well then they've deprived themselves and their children of a most wonderful loving person. Their loss.
Thank you all my friends. I know how extremely silly this must be to people who don't consider Halloween anything other than a 'candy company propaganda holiday' but it was always special to our family.
Which brings me to another topic. Personalization. Now I KNOW this sounds silly, but there is so much personalization around the holidays; i.e., doormats, cards, wreathes, door knockers, etc. I've been pondering; should I just shorten the name by an 'S' > WELCOME TO THE MENDOZA?? RUBY'S PLACE sounds like a bar & bordello. A bit too much 'come up and see me sometime'. I know I should just skip it and not let it bother me. Does it bother any of you? How about Merry Christmas! The woman that lives alone in this house? The family this and the family that. Seeking, we should start an online business of original ideas for single celebrators.
P.S. I know my children, grandchildren and I still constitute a family, but it just seems too strange to use the name. Maybe I'll settle for MAMAW'S HOME.
I took the higher road, made the effort and took the Halloween bags I had made to their houses and gave them to the kids. In return, both of my local stepsons came to see me last Friday, just messin' around, talkin. I was happy to see them. They said the kids were most impressed by the toothbrush I had enclosed that had a cover on it, and carried them around all the time.
Found out via the local paper that the house has been put up for auction for November 22. I don't think X even knows. The Real Estate thinks they have a true fish on the hook, but now are working under great time restraint. Very interested, as I may be watching XH stick his own head up his . . . AGAIN.
Now to business. I'm not sure I still belong on this forum, as my D is a done deal, and checked into some of the others. They just don't feel right. I haven't entered into any conversations, but it just seems foreign. I know quite a few of the people are divorced on this thread, but, is it now OUR MLC we are talking about, or are we still dealing, perhaps obsessing, with our X's??? Being detached has been a very healthy thing for me, but now I am confused as to if I am hanging on to my past through this site??
I think you are the only person who can answer this one. Is your D only a piece of paper or does it represent the end of this chapter and a new beginning?
In my case, it was viewed as a piece of paper by XH and as a security for me towards the kids education. My XH still as interest in us. He keeps contact regularly with each of us. He is making progress in his journey. Not necessarily about coming home but about finding what is important in life. He seem to be cleaning his life and soul.
Maybe your posting would be to HELP others instead of yourself? We gained so much insight here and so many others are just beggining and are desperate for our support. Anybody that didn't live this can not understand how it feel. They see LBS as people who exagerate the situation.
I suggest you take a break and visit once in a while. No harm down, you move on with your own life and , when visiting, provide insight to others ! 2 positives!
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us! You are a wonderful lady.
Hi Punkin - nice to hear from you! I understand your hesitancy to continue along this forum. I've wondered the same thing. I guess I am still using it as a bit of accountability for myself. Make sure that my thinking remains clear and to have others provide perspective who know the trauma of the MLC experience.
You have been a wonderful friend through this time and I hope you continue to find peace as you move forward.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
