Need HOPE & Advice

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you so much for your concern & clear concise advice. I should be home before the holidays, and my wife has agreed not move forward with anything until after the holiday season.

this is good. Slow things down without making it obvious that you are trying to do that for "slow down'"sake...


I recognize now that I have been dealing with depression/anxiety for my entire life.... just the stresses of the last few years made it harder to keep hidden.

then by all means, GET SOME HELP soldier! Come on...you're no good to anyone running on half empty. Make sense? Ain't NO shame in it!! Would you wear glasses to help you aim better? Yes you would...others are counting on you and this time it's not your camrades in arms, but your family/loved ones...oh and PS--you deserve to be happy.



My wife said that she hasn't felt validated or respected

meaning what, specifically? you don't listen? you try to "fix and shut her up" or what? Explain...the more you know, the better armed you are.


- also my mood swings scared her(Please believe me-I have never ,nor ever would threaten or harm my loved ones)...The mood swings made me unpredictable.


Sometimes these are just code words for tantrums and bullying...beware of glossing over this. And seek out some help b/c honestly, there's no excuse for it. You know you don't do it at work, so you are letting yourself treat your loved ones the worst. Not cool, agreed?



I have always been a great Dad, spending time & lavishing my two children 14,12 with attention. Even while deployed, I speak with them nearly everyday, skype, email, send packages to them.

Sounds great, keep it up!


The 180 will be my new "bible". I'm 43, in fantastic shape,good-looking,educated, fairly successful... I'm going to try my best to show my wife that i CAN move forward...grad school, yoga etc Hopefully she will see this...either way, I'll be a better person.


absolutely true and GOOD THINKING!! and regardless of whether SHE sees it, she may not tell you or let you know that she notices...b/c she will not trust that the changes are real and permanent...only TIME and consistent change will earn her trust...


I'm terrified also by the 180- by agreeing with her, I'm afraid the divorce will move swiftly, and she will move on.

That's a lie you tell yourself to justify resisting and pursuing... What you resist, persists.

NO one said you have to agree WITH the divorce. All you are agreeing with is her decision to end the marriage you have allowed to deteriorate...THAT marriage - is gone and to that, you both say good riddance...

Now, for the new relationship you are building, (don't tell her it's the new marriage, so much as the new Relationship) you are taking it slow, trying to build rapport, creating bonding experiences that build, layer by layer...

and of course, being the great dad you are will help too.

I love and adore her & the loss would be unbearable.

You have not lost her yet. And you can bear more than you think. But be more patient...a lot more patient and for a lot longer than you expected.

This is a campaign of sorts, and they take TIME and ATTENTION so, get ready...it's a marathon, not a sprint.