Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Accuray]

Thanks SillyOldBear, I appreciate your help.

Specifically, have you read the parts about people who avoid intimacy because they "don't want to want" someone? That's the first thing your wife's approach to marriage made me think of. She seems scared to need you or even want you--like it's safer to be self-contained.

Yes, I agree (and my wife agrees) that she has issues. She's not happy with herself, doesn't feel loveable, etc., but she's not willing to do anything about it.

I fear that she feels competitive with me, and because I'm more energetic and motivated, she feels that I make her feel worse about herself, like she's not measuring up (she has used those words with me). Sometimes it feels like the nicer I am to her the worse she feels. It's like there is an unspoken expectation to reciprocate, and she doesn't want to do it so feels badly. I'm not looking for reciprocation -- I take pleasure in being giving. I'm just looking for more intimacy and connection. I believe that's why OM was such a nice escape, he was more low-key, and didn't expect anything of her really. Although the guy is gone, I still feel I'm living with his ghost to some degree, but maybe I'm just paranoid.

Assuming my W is not willing to open up to me, or does not "want to want" me per PM, what do I DO about it? The book is all about couples who want to work together. If one does not want to do the work, should I just give up on pushing things forward and try to get comfortable with status quo?

From your writing I can't imagine that ever working for you.

I missed the context for that remark. Can you explain?

Oh, and your counselor situation sounds terrible. WTF was that counselor thinking? Did you know you were going to the same IC your wife had used?

Yeah, when W dropped the bomb on me, she wasn't feeling in a very consoling mood so recommended that I seek IC. Since I was in pretty bad shape (insomnia, dry heaving fits, etc.) she suggested I just go see her IC.

I saw a couple advantages to that (1) the IC would have all the backstory walking in so I wouldn't have to do 2 sessions to just explain what was going on and (2) the IC would have my W's perspective on me, so if I had blinders on or was being unreasonable, she could call "BS" on me. I think in the right scenario that could have worked to my advantage.

As it turns out, when IC got my side of things, she was personally angry at W for putting one over on her, not letting her in, and not telling her about the affair or OM. (Those were fairly important details to keep to yourself). She said that W is extremely private, compartmentalizes, and in her 20+ years of practice no one had ever deceived her like that.

Unfortunately, IC wasn't able to get beyond that, and spent the next few sessions sharing her diagnosis of W, telling me she was a bad person, that she'll surely cheat on me again, etc. I would walk in there feeling reasonably stable, like I understood W's rationale for what she did, etc., and IC would pull the rug out. I'd leave feeling like I was married to Mrs. Evil and it made me feel horrible. I do not believe IC was right, as both old IC and new IC seem to be reading out of the same textbook about people who have affairs. It's not that simple.

After two sessions of telling IC to forget about W and talk about me, I was done. I took a break, kept going with DB coach, and eventually found a new IC. This one is not as easy to talk to, a bit more judgemental, but hopefully will be more effective. Having switched it's clear to me how important it is to have a great IC versus an adequate one, and I still don't think I've found that.

--Accuray