Very frustrated, it seems the more I try to focus on me and don't answer every email and/or text, the more H is contacting me. I am getting emails and texts saying "remember me?" or "are you ignoring me". Oddly enough before this he wasn't emailing or texting for days. My natural instinct is that I don't want to make him angry, it is not natural for me to not respond.
This morning he was sending pictures reminiscing about a fun concert we went to 10 years ago, he set it up as a surprise for me and hired a car for us. He said the CMA's reminded him (it was a Tim McGraw concert) and when he got to work he emailed the picture.
I'm glad to hear you are reading Co-Dependent No More. I found that book very inspirational. It's alot of hard work and you have to balance it against the fear and anger of your sitch, but it can be very helpful if you let it.
I completely understand that instinct of not making spouse angry and things feeling unnatural.
Unnatural doesn't necessarily equal wrong. It can in some cases.. but for the most part.. it just means different.
If it feels unnatural to you, most likely it will feel unnatural to H as well.
This feeling will come up time and time again as you work on changing yourself... eventually changing the dynamic of your r.
Dig deep to find out answers behind that feeling. You know you don't want to make him angry? Dig deeper - Why do you have that fear to begin with?
Make sense?
As for arguing. It's not recommended to try other techniques besides DBing, but I feel the two are very similar.
Instead of arguing... just listen. No defending yourself.. actually don't even speak.
When you do..just recap what he just said. This allows you to make sure you HEARD exactly what he said and gives him the opportunity to ADD or CLARIFY his thoughts.
Your response.. "That makes sense". Validate his feelings.
If you do that, it will be hard for him to argue with you. If he isn't arguing that his walls will come down and eventually you two can discuss what's bothering you and quit screaming about it.
Try it.. it will require you to lose your pride and your wall, but it will also hopefully open you up to better communication.
Better communication equals less confusion.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Wow thanks Val, that is very good advice and I am all for losing my pride and my wall. As hard as this is, I woke up this morning with a sense that I am doing the right thing, for me and for my sitch. Where it will end up is yet to be seen but I feel like I need to do this, and will be better for it. So that is positive, right?
I took the day off today, the kids have no school. I decided to take the day with them and get them some school clothes, take them to lunch. I am very much looking forward to it. Will wake them up after this next cup of coffee.
It is such a beautiful day here, perfect weather for having a day off!!
Had my nutritionist appt last night and we focused on stress, which I thought was appropriate. She was teaching us how stress affects weight, and cortisol levels. She taught us belly breathing and guided meditation. I think I will look for a CD while I am out today, it felt really good and helped with my stress level.
All in all, not a bad day. Hoping for another one today.
Last night was rough, for me and for the whole family. I fell down a bit on my DB and see where I could have done better. I will try to hold onto that and do better next time. It absolutely takes practice.
H took an opportunity to bait me a bit last night, and twist things to make his MLC appear quite normal. He was pointing out trips I take with my girlfriends, and trying to compare to what he has been doing. It was manipulative and I fell into it, got angry and argued. I regret it now, actually regretted it last night.
My sons saw me coming back from neighbors house when they got home and realized what was going on. They were visibly upset and said "i'm going in to say something to him already". I begged them not to, and to just let this settle. They agreed after I pleaded a bit but he could see the hurt in their eyes and pushed to know what was going on.
Ironically earlier that day, my S17 told me out of the blue "I am waiting for dad to come home in a sports car like Jon did, what is with this MLC". I was stunned to hear him say this, but I guess it is more obvious than I originally thought.
We had some discussion, some tears, and the kids begged him to go to counseling with me. That is not the reason I wanted him to go, if at all. I don't want it to be obligatory or for the kids.
This morning he was apologetic (the pattern) and still wanted to discuss MC. I just listened and tried my darndest to DB. We agreed that for nothing else we need to learn to communicate because the kids shouldn't have seen many of the recent arguments they have seen, it is awful!
This weekend I have a few fun GAL activities planned and will take it one day or at times one hour at a time.
Autumn, I think we ALL backslide from time to time. It sounds like you have a good attitude about it. Don't beat yourself up, learn from it and do the right thing next time.
It amazing how convincing the WAS can be when they're doing their own self-convincing. It's almost believable at times.
At least your H still is willing to go to MC. I would take that as a positive, regardless of his motivation.
It's too bad your kids are are seeing as much as they are. They can be amazingly perceptive, too, and will try to take on things that aren't their responsibility.
I'm glad you have some fun GAL activities planned for this weekend. Enjoy - these are very important right now!
Had a nice day with my kids and my mom today, took her to lunch and shopping for her birthday. Beautiful fall weather. Now simmering some homemade potato leek soup on the stove while the kids are doing homework. Have a fire going in the backyard and relaxing for a bit. Trying to really appreciate the little things and be happy. For right now, I am good Hope everyone had a good weekend!!
Continued with GAL activities a bit this morning and went for a 3 mile jog/walk at the park before work. I am slowly working my way to running and really like to take advantage of the nicer weather before it gets too cold. I also took some time to meditate a bit this morning to start the day off with less stress. None of this is coming naturally for me yet but I will keep working at it.
This morning I did a 180, normally I will get up early to straighten up, make coffee for the house, and watch the news. Instead I took a few minutes of extra sleep that I needed. H turned on the coffee before he left.
Between the extra sleep and the jog/walk I am feeling pretty positive in this moment and trying not to let the negative thoughts take over. Some hours are harder than others.
Thanks Val and BklynMom! I am really looking forward to an Al Anon meeting tonight. The last time I went I was very emotional and couldn't really speak, but I feel like I am more prepared this time and not all over the place emotionally. I hope that continues through tonight
Had a bit of a rough morning today. Tried to DB my way through it the best I could. Sometimes I look at my H and don't recognize him at all. It is so odd to me. Very hurtful to say the least.
I know that I need to continue to GAL and become the best me that I can be regardless of what happens with my M. I just wish that it was easier than it is Don't we all!
Enjoy - these are very important right now!