Punchy, It's been awhile, glad to hear your taking care of your self and family. I too resist coming back to this site for the same reasons you stated. I will always remember and appreciate the great advise and support I received here.
I thought about posting a 1 year update back in July,I should just copy/paste yours. I could not have written it any better.
Earlier,this year when I replyed to your post with "We both know this can't go on forever", Gnosis responded "oh, yes it can" Well, like you(room mates), I'm at 16 months and counting, and think about Gnosis's comment alot. I just hope and pray they make up their minds already.
My wife, like yours is still at home, this I believe still gives us a chance.
Thanks Cold. I appreciate the support. Keep hanging in there re your situation. It is hard to believe that this could go on forever but apparently it can.
A lady that I work with who went through a similar situation feels that this all part of their strategy. In situations like ours, they want to frustrate us to the point that we file for the divorce and then we look like the cold hearted ones. Not sure if this is true or not, hard to know what is going on in my wife's head these days. She can't be happy with the way things are. I think she liked it better when I was difficult to live with and that justified her behaviour.
We just have to hang in there and stick with the plan. While they are still at home we do have a chance. It is tough to deal with on a day to day basis, but provides more hope than if they moved out.
My take after going through similar situation for about 18 months before my wife finally moved out is that you are in limbo and part of the reason is that your wife still has daily contact with her affair partner. Even if you had your issues and she lost her feelings for you, etc., she will NEVER have a chance to get them back if she is still in contact with the affair partner IMHO.
You are right that she is still there because she doesn't want to disrupt her kids and wants to be comfortable.
Otherwise, you are fortunate that your family is still together. There is always hope if you are under the same roof.
I was insistent that my W discontinue ALL contact with her affair partnre and she wouldn't. This led to eventually sleeping in separate rooms and my further insistence eventually led to her moving out - which is what I demanded - for her to make a choice.
Once she left it was actually a relief in many ways. The limbo would have NEVER ended while she had any contact with the OM. I see that so clearly now looking back. I was able to move my life forward and I am in a much better place personally now than a the depths of this limbo. It is VERY hard to live with someon under those circumstances and not natural I realize now even more when looking back.
Take comfort in the fact that you are still under the same roof, but that presents unique challenges and while she may wish to someday be 'free' it turns out it will be good for you also, assuming she never comes around and changes direction(and I don't think she will if she still sees the affair partner). I would be suspicious about the affair being 'over' actually given her behavior. It may be emotional and not physical at this point and that is just as devastating to your chances to reconcile with her.
After my W moved out, I miraculously met a wonderful woman that I am planning to spend the rest of my life with. W didn't really have a plan, and I think she moved out as a 'test the waters' move assuming she could likely come back. I filed for D, and at one point she DID want to come back but I had moved on. I know she has many regrets and was not thinking totally rationally about the entire situation. The fact that you and your W are at least having some cordial relations may mean she is a little more grounded than many women in this situation, which might be a benefit in the end.
I haven't read the history behind your situation, so forgive me if there are many details I am not aware of.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
After my W moved out, I miraculously met a wonderful woman that I am planning to spend the rest of my life with.
Congratulations! I have thought about this and wonder if I'd be extremely gun-shy about getting married a second time. How did you look at it?
Based on everything you read about second marriage challenges and the fact that we bring our own unaddressed issues forward, how did you get to a place to commit to this new woman?
Is she like your ex, 180 degrees different, somewhere in the middle?
My W no longer has contact with OM, he shut her out to save his own M. That said, I had the misfortune of reading their communications, and she gave him a level of passion and affection that I have never seen.
I was much happier with the illusion that she wasn't capable of it. Now that I know the potential is there, it makes it difficult to go on without it.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Well I have to say I never dreamed I would be in this position when I was in the depths of despair two years ago, and even at the time my WAW moved out and I started dating.
I also was able to see how my ex-W interacted with her affair partner, and it was very eye-opening - also made me realize what we didn't have any longer in our relationship. You are VERY lucky that the OM decided to end it - in my case the OM was single. I think that is the key to having a chance, other than going all the way with filing for D and making her move out to get her to wake up possibly (mine did actually at that point but too late).
That said, I feel like I was ready for a new relationship at least, given the amount of 'work' I did for the 2 years while my M was ending. I gained a lot of perspective about myself and what I had and wanted to contribute to a relationship, and found a partner in a similar state.
The woman I met has a lot to do with where this has ended up as well (planning to get married next year). She has also been divorced, and has a son the same age as two of my boys. She has seen divorce/re-marriage from all sides and has been a great source of strength and wisdom for me about being a single parent, how to introduce others into my kids lives, and how to handle my Ex (she seems to understand my Ex W and what she is going through). Her ex-H was re-married pretty quickly and she has gained a lot of perspective on mixed families and single parenting from that side as well. I also immediately knew she would be a great addition to my kids' lives.
She is 180 from my ex on many fronts. She is much more intelligent and able to have deep discussions on all topics including our relationship, which my Ex was never able to do. Ex was very 'surface' on most fronts I realize now.
At times I thought maybe I should just be single for a while, which would have meant losing her. I then did some soul searching and asked myself what else I would want in a partner and committed relationship if I decided to settle down in a couple of years instead, and I couldn't think of anything, and realized that she was the one and that I needed to move forward with her.
I really feel like God has put her here in front of me, and we are meeting at the right time in both of our lives - the perfect time. I feel like God has watched over me while I suffered and fought for my M, and has now brought me this gift.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Thanks Trying for your comments. The OM in my situation is single as well. I totally agree with you that as long as he is still in the picture in some form then there will be no chance for my wife and I to work on our relationship.
I know that the PA part of their relationship is over but I strongly believe that the EA part continues on. As long as they have daily contact, their relationship will continue. The question I keep asking myself is how much longer am I going to accept this. I look back at the last two years and hope that they have not been wasted. They are two years that could have been spent developing a new relationship and a new life.
It sounds like you have landed in a good place and are there because you finally made a stand and forced your ex-wife to make a decision. At some point, I am going to have to do the same.
Thought I would provide an update on my situation. It has been almost a year since I last posted on this site. November 8 will be the 3rd Anniversary of when the bomb was dropped on me. At the start of this post is a recap of where I was one year ago. Hard to believe that I have been at this for three years now. I have been checking in on the site off and on over the last year and am amazed at the number of new people that come to this site for help and advice. Lots of people have also come and gone over the past year as well.
At this time my "wife" and I are still living together. Our relationship is still pretty much that of two people with 3 kids living as roommates. There are some days when I think there is progress and then this is followed by days of when she retreats back. I continue to work on being a better person and father and trying to always be that person that she initially fell in love with. I think that I have made tremendous strides in terms of no longer being that inpatient, angry, money conscious and controlling person that drove her away from me. I have given her space and time and we have not had a relationship discussion since January of this year. This came about only as a result of me finding out through a friend that she had been to the OM's house one morning on the way to work.
The challenge for me is that the OM is still a factor in her life. She has not changed jobs and they continue to work in the same department. Whether they go for lunch, coffee or other is not something that I am aware of. I have long since given up snooping, but have not seen any obvious signs that their affair is still on-going. Still, my feeling though is that as long as he is still in the picture and presenting this fantasy world option to her, she will not make an effort to try and rebuild our relationship. He is divorced and has been pursuing her from the moment that he hired her. Not sure if any one has any advice on this, but in my mind this seems to be a sticking point or barrier to us trying to work on things.
After 3 years of this, I am not sure how much longer I want to continue to give her time and space to decide what she wants to do. Do I need to engage her in a relationship discussion, indicate that I would like her to change jobs and start to work towards either a plan of reconciliation or a plan to separate and move on? I tried all of the approaches recommended in DR and nothing has any significant affect on how the relationship that I have with my wife. One minute we are picking out new Quartz Counter Tops for our vacation home and the next day she is on the Internet looking at houses that she could buy and live in.
I am in a good place emotionally at this time. Thoughts of losing my wife and the pain of finding out about her affair have gone away. My self-confidence has returned, I was recently promoted to Vice-president Finance for the $2.5 billion healthcare company that I work for. I continue to work out 5 times a week and I feel that regardless of which way things fall, I will be able to move on a find a better life.
I am not planning on doing anything until after the New Year, so maybe 2013 will be the year of a new direction and approach.
After 3 years of this, I am not sure how much longer I want to continue to give her time and space to decide what she wants to do. Do I need to engage her in a relationship discussion, indicate that I would like her to change jobs and start to work towards either a plan of reconciliation or a plan to separate and move on?
Woah, kudos to you for sticking it out this long!! I've read of similar sitches to yours in which the LBS finally comes to the point where they're done and ready to move on and effectively become a WAS themselves. Personally I think the most disappointing thing about WAS's is that they rarely warn the LBS until it's "too late". So yes, I do believe you should have that talk to give her one last chance to get her act together. Tell her exactly what you described above- that you're to the point of moving on yourself and that the only way you'll consider not doing so is if she drops all contact with OM, changes jobs, and works on reconciliation.
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I tried all of the approaches recommended in DR and nothing has any significant affect on how the relationship that I have with my wife.
Well unfortunately it doesn't always work. But seriously, you deserve all the respect in the world for giving it so much time.
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One minute we are picking out new Quartz Counter Tops for our vacation home and the next day she is on the Internet looking at houses that she could buy and live in.
That makes me think her WAS desires are more of a fantasy then something she actually wants to pursue.
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I am in a good place emotionally at this time. Thoughts of losing my wife and the pain of finding out about her affair have gone away. My self-confidence has returned, I was recently promoted to Vice-president Finance for the $2.5 billion healthcare company that I work for. I continue to work out 5 times a week and I feel that regardless of which way things fall, I will be able to move on a find a better life.
Congratulations on all of this, that's fantastic! DB'ing isn't specifically about just bringing the spouse back, it's mainly about making yourself a better person so that you are better equipped for the future whether your spouse is part of that or not. And in that respect yours is a great success story
Thanks for the response and kind words. There are days when I feel that I have become a version of the WAS. I too have constructed an emotional wall to protect myself from being hurt further in the relationship. After 3 years of receiving very little if nothing at all emotionally from my wife, I have truy detached from the marriage.
Part of why I have stayed in this so long as that 20 years from now, if I am still alive, I don't want to have any regrets about not trying hard enough or giving the situation enough time to save my marriage and family.
Having said that, there also comes a time when you want to be able to look back and see that you made the right choice at the right time for your family, wife and yourself. I think I am getting very close to that point in the relationship.
I think that my wife is having a real tough time trying to make a decision here and that she is still very confused. My feeling is that had she left when the bomb was initially dropped would have been the ideal time for her. I was not the person I am today and she would have had all the justification in the world to leave. Now that I am a better person, and she has to carry the burden of an affair and now being the one who will be looked at negatively for ending the marriage is too much for her to deal with.
She and I never liked to deal with conflict and she has a hard time making a decision about anything, so she is in a tough spot. Having the OM floating around in the background is just another issue that she can't deal with. Hopefully having a discussion with her in the new year will be the starting point to achieiving a resolution to this situation.
