Learning from the pain....hard lessons

[In_Shock]

The update and journaling:

Well, Saturday the 29th W texted me she would not be home that night.... S was with her parents, she stayed with OW. I was crushed you may recall.... CRUSHED. I mean, knowing what is happening--- knowing there is someone else --- knowing she goes out there on weekends during the day..... all that is bad enough but to TEXT me that she is SPENDING THE NIGHT with OW???? I was in pain beyond anything I could have imagined. I'm glad S wasn't home. I was a wreck.

So W strolls in the next morning about 11 am. I try to DB...but, well.... we talked some, but not really much. She mostly threatened me with the house and selling it...blah blah blah.... She was livid that I had the NERVE to be sad that she was spending the night over there. I explained that she had blatantly made plans with me for later --- she was going to an 'office party' supposedly, then coming home to watch a vampire movie with me. She said, "Oh, well, I was out and OW texted me. I went over and I decided that since S wasn't home, why not just stay......"

I understand that we are 'separated' 'broke up' or whatever...but still living together. I understand the concept, but I have to question it. I mean....some of us have talked about this on here before. The WAS just says the words, and as if it's some sort of 'magic potion' they immediately FEEL AS IF THEY ARE SINGLE. No remorse. No ties. No respect for VOWS...etc... I could go on but you get the idea. I'm sorry, but after 13 years and a child, I think our relationship deserved a chance where I was actually told there were problems and that we were both working on it. She says, "Oh, I tried so hard..." I say, "Why didn't you tell me we needed to ...." She says, "You couldn't have heard me." and it's a vicious circle.

Telemark --- you are SO RIGHT. It does not take courage to walk away from a long term relationship- especially with a child. It is absolutely the cowardly thing to do. I, and those of us here, want to save our families. The WAS....I'm not sure what they are thinking. I was talking to a friend the other day and she said, "You know, i was thinking about your situation. It's really sad. I always thought it would have to be some really serious thing like cheating, drugs, etc... to leave someone after so long and having a family." I said, "Yep....my thoughts exactly."

So the week after W's allnighter (omg how it still hurts) I was so hurt, angry, and just aptly in shock again that I detached really. It felt pretty darn good. I was doing ok for a little over a week. I thought, well, if that's how I'm going to be treated, who needs her/it????? And I felt ok.

For some reason, the past few days I've had a rough time again. I've done some pursuing. Even had some small R talks, --- W says things like " you are a good person, just not the person for me." and of course I did dumb things like reasoning.... She says " It's more than I am willing to do"

Anyway, train wreck of my neediness and so forth for the past few days. (part of it is undeniably hormonal -- sorry guys, but PMS is real) So I MAKE IT WORSE!!!!! Funny, the week I was acting as if I could care less (b/c I felt that way) she actually had a few moments that were nicer than usual. Yes, 25, I know what that means...LOL..

THIS is why I don't need to take another extended vacation from the board. I forget my DBing and left to my own devices, push her right into OW's arms.

2 X4's please.