I'll respond to the other stuff a little later, but felt this one is important to respond to, right now. It might give an overview of my thoughts...
I will openly admit that what I post may or may not be helpful. I certainly hope that you can find your meaning in it that will help you. It's filled with metaphors and personal thoughts and opinions that aren't necessarily cogent and may not apply to you...
Originally Posted By: grebjack
Kaffe Diem - question for you: if you no longer think you can reconcile your marriage,
I'll start with saying that I liked myself BEFORE I got married. I am very sure I WAS the person I am meant to be. And that person was meant to marry my wife.
Life is a(n ever changing) perspective and my current perspective is, I am not meant to reconcile my marriage. For me, this is HUGE, because I'm a fixer. And I'm freakin' good at it... If I am to take away a life lesson from this, then it is to truly understand that some things aren't meant to be fixed by me. They're only "broken" because I think they are...
TomAto / TOmato...
I have a tendency to take on a challenge and not let go of it until there is resolution. My biggest challenge is letting go. In many ways, I felt 100% responsible for making my M work. I chose in and therefore it was my "job" to make it work. In my world, "failure" is NOT an option... so I found myself here...
And I can say that I truly loved my W. I loved my family... and I still do... And I suppose what I've learned, or perhaps more accurately learned to better appreciate is, if you love something, set it free...
I had my reasons for getting M which included the act of getting M and also in starting a family and raising kids. And I accomplished that. I didn't have any "plan" BEYOND those things...
And I have to face reality... I didn't really expect the M to last. I had misgivings from day one. I knew my W wasn't really "into it"... she had openly indicated that she never had planned on being M, that she didn't believe it was for her... she often stated that the only reason she had a second child was because I wanted a biological child of my own. She said this even before we conceived. And her behaviour was very often domineering and narcissistic (which are things that most people can be ascribed as, at any given time). And to be perfectly honest with myself, I may have been more in love with the IDEA... maybe more than I was in love with the person... that's sad and hugely selfish of me...
Did she have a choice? Sure... but was she fully committed to that choice? I don't think so... I really don't... so really, her decision to move on without me should not have been a surprise... She may have felt she DIDN'T really have a choice in the M... to BE M and fully committed to it...
So now... I give her that choice...
If our M is to be reconciled... it will be up to her... that is the "right" thing...
Originally Posted By: grebjack
what is it that keeps you coming back to this site? I think that's the biggest thing I meant by How is it Supposed to work?
I came here for emotional support. The kind that many people who stand for their M don't often get in the "real world". Where we often find the real world often isn't generally M friendly when all the cards are laid on the table...
So I remain here to offer support to those who, like me, continue to stand for their M... to give back to the community that helped me emotionally survive this trauma...
That's my END reason, and for others, their reasons may be different.
It's not to say I don't / didn't have things to work on myself, to grow personally... I believe that most of my growth has been to return back to the person I WAS... I didn't necessarily become someone different... just that I lost perspective...
Originally Posted By: grebjack
Was I supposed to come here out of a desire to save my marriage, and then, in the name of saving my marriage, learn to do all the things that will allow me to lead a happy life after my marriage fails anyway? That seems to be the new goal for most of the people I read on the boards.
Douglas Adams told us the answer is "42"...
And what is likely the most important thing that any one of us will ever consider... "What is the question?"
There can be no answer unless we are very clear on the question. And understand that the question is only momentary.
How is it supposed to work? I truly believe the answer to that question first begins with getting rid of "How"...
IS it supposed to work? That answer can only be found in time... and time is perspective... perception... the question and subsequent answers determined only by us and the culmination of information obtained and retained...
Who are you? Right now, what do you believe your purpose is? If your world / environment consisted of JUST YOU, what would you be doing? How would you do it?
I can... I HAVE... accepted that my M will end, regardless of what I do... how "perfect" I am or how "right" I do things or what "my intention" is...
IF we weren't in our situations... life WOULD be an adventure of finding ourselves and our life's purpose and following our paths and being happy doing so...
We live our lives fighting for what we want... it is up to us to decide what we are fighting for... and perhaps to really understand why... WHY is it so important to us...?
