OMG you guys won't believe this. I'm just putting away the rest of my walmart order now--I stopped there after the doc appt y-day. What was my impulse buy? An extra smoke detector. I guess I got my 195.00 worth ;-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I am also completely aware that that dream sounds like a recovered memory of an abuse victim...who saw her mom threatened and couldn't help her, or who is also fearful herself, and I am thoroughly disturbed by that. My siblings and I suspected some degree of physical abuse from my dad to my mom when we were kids, as she used to have large unexplained bruises on her thighs that we'd see if she had shorts on, and she'd just say that dad would "tickle" her roughly. Yeah right.
But I am the oldest and there would have been a year there where only I was around, though I'd have been a baby. It would certainly explain a lot if there was some abuse memory I repressed. I mean, A LOT. I don't know where to go from here. The sort of themes or concerns in that nightmare are NOT new, just sharper in focus than they ever were. I've been having forms of that nightmare for years. I don't see my doctor for a month so I guess I'll just write it down for her.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
YOu know - I rather doubt it would be a repressed abuse memory. Those exist, but are fairly rare, and there was a period in the 80's/90's when a lot of lives were ruined by bad therapists reading "repressed abuse memories" into everything.
I think it's more likely that you feel vulnerable about being on your own (as you let go of H), and scared of thinking about dating (hence the fear of being sexually assaulted - maybe a metaphor, btw, for being emotionally vulnerable if you fall for a new guy and get your heart broken again) and feel threatened by "a guy" (when actually it is H's departure and behavior that really seems threatening to you - it is probably a stand-in for him).
I did talk to mom a bit and she said my whole memory of the fire thing is dead on...and also that now that I say it, she doesn't think I was "ever" alone as a kid, even into teenage years...that due to her and dad's overlapping schedules, someone was always there and they rarely used sitters. Our sitters were the girls next door who we thought of as family, too. She said that SHE has never spent a night totally alone in a house that she can remember. Always had us kids there if dad worked late, and when we had all moved, dad was retired and he doesn't leave to go anywhere, ever, unless she is with him.
I wonder if this is just something women in general deal with...maybe not so much women in their 20s now who might be more prone to live in an apt alone, but women my age and up. I mean I had a college roommate, and when I didn't, XH stayed in my room or I stayed in his. EVERY NIGHT. We were dating before my roommate even dropped out. So even in a DORM I was never alone.
I don't feel conscious of the aloneness, but clearly it's in my subconscious. I bet men don't feel this way at all after divorce, and women who don't probably were more self-sufficient to begin with.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Well I actually met someone last night when I went out and he asked for my phone number--but not for romantic reasons, I don't think ;-)
I was talking to the female bartender who I am getting to know and I think forming a friendship with, and this guy came in--good looking, clean cut, little bit older than me, no ring, sort of a midwestern twang in the voice, said hello. Eventually he started talking to me and the bartender and then at some point I think I asked where he was from and he said he just moved back here to live with his parents as he lost his job after he lost his son in the divorce, and he just started to tear up. Well for 2 hours we talked and he was really edgy, and just clearly needed to get a lot out, and he's on meds, and seeing a doctor, and feels that he had a nervous breakdown when he lost his job (he is in finance and division of his company went under) and he was really a wreck, dealing with a lot of suicidal thoughts, estranged from his 6 year old, ashamed to be living with his parents and his father isn't helping as a former Vietnam vet who I guess lacks patience for mental illness.
So anyway I tried to just be encouraging and helpful...the guy seems to have little support system or if he does, he hasn't gotten over embarrassment enough to reach out to them.
But then he asked for my number, I'm not sure why, he definitely wasn't looking for a relationship and said that that sort of thing was "number 50 on the priority list", so I feel like he was a gentleman. I just felt sorry for him. I could see so much of me in his eyes, even though our sitches are somewhat different. I mean, you KNOW that if the person doesn't escape to drugs or alcohol or whatever and works on themself, they WILL be better in a year. But talking to someone in the inital few weeks, wow, they are just shell-shocked. Nothing registers much.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Oh and I did give him my number--he knew the manager of the restaurant and I figure that if he was shady, the manager (who is a friend of mine) would have said something. If he becomes obnoxious I guess I can just block him, and I'm unlisted so he can't find me via the number. Just in case anyone wondered ;-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
How nice to be able to connect like that. I have looked for support groups etc around my area but all I can find are pro D clubs who will help you to destroy what you might have! It would be great to be able to meet someone like you who wouldn't think you are being chatted up.
Hey I think this is great! Kinda like paying it forward in a way. You've had your journey Antonia, and this poor gentleman is now just starting his. Wow I feel for him just hearing about it.
Sounds like he's had one hell of a tough time. Everything happens for a reason, and God, and the Universe work in mysterious ways. Maybe you can have the understanding, and words of wisdome and encouragement to this man that you've been given here. That is if you choose to become friends with him.
I agree I wish there were more support groups in my area, but there's nothing. There is Divorce Care Class, and I do have the workbook a collegue at work loaned me. Im not sure if it would be for me though. It's also in the evenings during the week and I do need to be to bed very early given I get up at 4 a.m. Wish there was an online Divorce Care Class.
I wonder if there is any mileage in setting one up ourselves? Skype has a conference call facility and it could be a nice way for us all to have some interaction. Even one to one would be something.
