W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore.

[Snowman]

Ok, I'm still here. I know I had a major backslide moment in my last post but I just got to the point of ultimate frustration which I think we all get to at one point or another. I felt like our house was just a storage unit for my W to visit as she pleases. Every time I would see her it causes pain. I know it was not the right thing to do but my true emotions got the better of me. It is hard when your W is acting so selfish, partying, and doing basically whatever she wants with no care for her family or others.

Anyway I think my W's comments in her text are revealing to me. I think she wants to drink now for good and feels to much religious pressure. She has not come out and said she wants to drink now and doesn't want to be a part of our religion anymore. I wish she could just say it but I will let her figure that out. I think my wife feels controlled from various aspects of her life. She seems very lost and looking for happiness in her single friends and lifestyle. My W has been trying to find happiness in doing or buying things and doesn't realize that happiness is a decision and the things we do or buy only provide fun or temporary happiness. You can do fun things or buy things and still be unhappy. I can't help her with that although I would like to.

I think I'm going to send an email to my wife tomorrow expressing that it I'm ok with casual drinking and understand the religious pressure and I don't want her to do things because of what our religion says. I'm also going to express that I want to support her in her school endeavors and other goals in life but I would like to do it together. I will focus the positive things that I love that she does and express that I am vulnerable to her and she really does have more control over me than she knows. I'm not sure of all the exact details of my message but it will be one of support and focus on the positive.

My W said she wants a divorce and claimed she talked to a lawyer but I still don't think she is ready to take action in that regard. I meant with my lawyer to discuss things but I will probably not take action unless my W does. My W says she wants to do a stipulation for our divorce which is one of the most amenable ways to do things but until I see the document we will probably continue to live this separated and in limbo life.

I have to say that my love for her is down to it lowest level yet and I hardly have much left. It is hard to be the LBS that waits while your S wanders through the world looking for what they want. A friend made a good comment to me about the whole single scene that she is now hanging out with and that is that most the people she is hanging out with are looking for what she already has, she just doesn't know it.

I hope my W can figure out what she wants and is able to share it with me. I want to be and am working on being the better man that I am. I know I can be more supportive and less controlling but only if she lets me. I have done that so far and hope to in the future.

Keep up the support for me no matter where this goes.