I've been out of town this past week, so I really didn't think I'd have a lot to post when I got back.
I was wrong.
The day before I left D was not feeling well, so I texted H to let him know I didn't think she should go to soccer that day. Offered to meet him later for dinner or something so he could see her before we left. His solution? Asked me to drive her down to his work (an hour and change away). It was an already packed day, I didn't want to waste my gas since I'm pretty much broke right now, but I agreed.
He was totally cold to me, and got irritated when I checked my phone as he was talking to D. When we left he basically didn't even tell me good bye. I was really sad about that, I hate leaving on a trip on bad terms. When I talked to him later I told him that, and it ended up being one of those conversations I try to avoid. He says that while he is 'done', he still has lots of questions as to why this all happened between us.
He did tell me he still loves me, again. I have to admit it made me very emotional. It ended with me telling him I accept his position, although I don't agree with it. He keeps saying his coldness when I see him is because its hard for him. He thinks it will help him detach (not his exact words, but the message in a nutshell). I told him I would have D keep in contact with him on the trip, and he didn't have to talk to me. He backpeddled a little, saying, 'well, we'll just play that by ear'.
Its a weird push/pull with him.
I started reading 5LL on the trip, great book!!! Love it, and it really opened my eyes to some things I coulda/woulda/shoulda done. I did mention to H that sometime I would like to pick his brain a little about some things I read. He was very curious as to what insight I thought I had gained, told him I was just trying to learn from my mistakes, and that no matter what happens it will serve me well in my future.
Next day: H blows up at me because he didn't think I was scolding D enough. She's been sick and a little grouchy, and just doesn't want to talk on the phone much. H says that's my fault. He also said I presented this trip (its been on the books since early summer) with a false pretense, and had he known he would have never paid for it. I was really irritated with him, so I politely got off the phone in a hurry. He did send some nasty grams, but I DBd them.
He had to add as well, 'things are the same as they ever were'.
Basically, the entire trip was H trying to make me mad, start a fight, talk about where we went wrong, etc. I tried to validate where I could, and I at one point asked him, if you're so 'done' why do you keep having these conversations with me? If you find out the 'why' and its an acceptable explanation, how will that change things for you?
I know, I know, shouldn't have said it. There is no point trying to reason with a currently unreasonable person. Not the DB way. I'm afraid my patience is wearing thin right now, and my anxiety is building about the holidays.
We have not discussed Tday plans yet. At all. I'm waiting for him to bring them up, because quite frankly, I'm afraid to.
One small positive. He did end up apologizing after calling me a liar yesterday. Basically this came up because he said I wasn't consistently treating D's cold. I took offense to this, because its a load of crap. I know he was baiting me, but don't you dare say I wasn't taking proper care of my child. There, I draw the line. I think he knew he went too far.
Hoping and praying for a better week. Any prayers and positive thoughts sent my way are greatly appreciated! I am going to a divorce care 'surviving the holidays' class this week, and I really hope it helps.
