new to this..

[learning2listen]

Whg.. but my h has not returned,, he is still completely silent with the exception of the once a week lunch, and possibly this week if I have him stay with the kids while i go see my mom.

I think way too much! I cant help it, and mornings when I first wake up are the most difficult, which is strange beings we havent shared a bed for a long time. He would sleep on the couch and go to work before 6 am so i almost never saw him in the morning.

I am having a difficult time not contacting him, I feel like if I stay "detached" he will just assume I am moving on. I think the only reason he is not filing for the d is financial. and that just ticks me off.

He is building a new life without his family, he talks about how the bills will be caught up, and he can start helping me more the first of the year, only problem is he isnt paying the bills that I have, only his car payment, his rent and his living expenses. How does he possibly think if he took 2/3 of his income out of the house (he does pay me a little) that I am to get these bills paid off.

I find myself actually getting angry and then it is crushed by the thought of actually living without him. We dont talk about any of this.

Its weird I admitt I took him forgrnted a bit while we were together, but when I think of our entire history, sometimes i see why he left and i think why would he ever want me back, then other times i think he took me forgranted as well.

I dont want to think about it anymore, if i try to be rational, i get more confused. he sends mixed signals, he doesnt reach out to me in between our lunches, he just goes about his day to day.
I have stopped communication with my mil, due to she blames me and says he did what he had to do.. and in the end everyone will be stronger and better off. then says something like "no matter what happens" as if that is suppose to make me feel better.

I wish I could just be secure enough in myself to believe I was a good wife, and I deserve to be happy. Yes I made mistakes, but I work on myself, I see the things in the r that I could have done better, isnt that part of growing as a person?

I have never been a game player or mysterious, which i thought was a good thing. I am not liking how this is going, I do not want to stay in this limbo place, because I dont think he is in limbo.

I am mostly just venting for today.