Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Accuray]

Journaling...

I've been reading "Passionate Marriage" -- great book, but challenging in many ways.

As I posted above, I would like to have more passion and connection in our marriage. I had assumed up to this point that "who wouldn't want that?" and that it was more or less a universal goal.

The section of the book I read last night talks about the fact that the level of passion and intimacy currently in your marriage is exactly the "right" negotiated level based on what the two of you can tolerate.

Attaining more connection and intimacy can be painful, because it requires opening up more, and becoming more vulnerable. That journey requires work and potentially pain, but once you come out the other side, the rewards should be significant.

The other thing I read about is the notion of being "chosen". Often when we marry, one partner "chooses" the other, or does the bulk of the pursuing. This sets a power dynamic that persists through the marriage, where the pursuing partner doesn't feel "chosen" and is constantly trying to get that feeling. This translates to low desire -- the LD partner is the one with the "control" because they set the rules for frequency, level of intimacy, etc.

My revelation is that my W does not *want* more intimacy. She wanted more than zero, but she doesn't want more than she has now. I was talking to my IC about the fact that I was much more at peace when I was withdrawn. I feel like if I'm going to be in, I want to be "all in", but my W does not feel the same way. My IC says that the pain from that is the cost of playing the game.

As I mentioned above, my W read SSM for me. She did take it to heart, and we have been ML average 1.5 times per week, which has been GREAT. Initially she was "there" with me, but she has been progressively sliding away. At this point, we haven't ML in about 9 days. Last night she was grumpy, and then we watched a movie together and she was falling asleep.

When we went to bed, she said "do you want to ML?". Of course inside I was screaming "YES", but then realized that I do not want to ML with someone who is falling asleep and not "there" with me. I told her she seemed so tired and she said "do you think that will ever change?" Then she said "maybe tomorrow, we're not supposed to go this long"

That really bothered me, and I woke up early thinking about it. I don't want this to be a treadmill that you have no interest in riding but feel you have to. When MWD talks about the LD partner "stepping up" in SSM, I don't just interpret that to mean frequency, I interpret that to mean effort.

Therefore, instead of hearing my W say "we're not supposed to go this long", I'd much rather hear her say "we're not supposed to try so little".

--Accuray