Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - Good Stuff

[Valeska19]

Thanks DG! (((( ))) Sorry for your loss.

@ Gabby. Thanks for the words even if dosed with painkillers! I did tell my w that I deeply appreciated the offer, but at this time I was not comfortable being in her apartment alone. She said that she understood.


Long Journal:

So met w today to talk about the car. Our conversation started off rocky.

We started talking about the cars. We were doing fine until she started playing the victim. She fell into our old dynamic. I know there will be a devil's advocate.. but I know myself. What she said was not true and a way to keep the old dynamic going.

She reminded me that she made more the last 3 yrs so she was entitled to more of the car.

She accused me of punishing her for the divorce. She lost money by settling on the insurance and now was going to lose money because she has to buy me out of the car. Saying that the last 7 car payments should come out of my half.

I told her that I refused to do that. She kept saying that I was punishing at her.. and this is where I stopped DBing and stuck up for myself.

I said..

I will not let you sit here and say that I am punishing you. I will not sit here and let you say that I don't deserve half.

These are just consequences of the divorce. We both lose.

I did contribute to the marriage. There were times in which I made more and since we moved, I may not have made what you did, but I didn't make crap. I paid different bills and when I had extra money, I put it towards the car.

I will not sit here and allow you to say I have and am punishing you. There is alot I could do, but I'm not doing it. I have never punished you in the 9 yrs we were together.. I have not punished you in the 7 months we have been separated.. and I'm not punishing you now!

I will not backpay for the car or for the insurance because you wanted to do it, and we both know that you would not have allowed me to have the car. You have told me many times in our marriage that I would always get your hand me downs. Remember.. I made you move to here, therefore you got the new car.

So don't make this about me. Dig deep in yourself. You say that you know I love you and that I am good woman.. Believe it now. I speak the truth.

I do not want to argue with you about this. This is not what I came here to do and this is not how I want to behave.

Was that DBing.. definitely not.. but I couldn't allow her to create these fairy tales. I'm all for admitting what I have done wrong.. and to look at things from her point of view.. but I couldn't let her beat me down. I couldn't allow that same dynamic.. even if it meant not DBing.

And for the 1st time... my wife stopped and apologized. She said that she was scared.

I said.. "Me too so let's start over".

We talked about the car and came to an agreement. Unfortunately we both did the math wrong and so I have to email her about that.

There was a time that she came up with an agreement that would require trust from each other. I said that we couldn't do it because she didn't trust me and I didn't trust her. She said "Yeah we really destroyed everything we had" My response "Yes we did. I understand the divorce.. but I still don't understand why we had to destroy everything. Our trust, our friendship, the past 9 yrs.. why did we have to lose it all?"

And then she grabbed my hands and said.

"I had to run from you! I couldn't deal with it. I can't have you in my life and be a new person. It's too easy to go back to the old me. I'm dealing with my feelings now, but I don't know how long it's going to take.. but I don't not want to be in your life."

I felt validated. I always knew that my w was running. That the 12 step program brought up too much and rather than deal.. she ran.

I thanked her for sharing and I grabbed her other hand.. and told her that I forgave her.. that I was angry and hurt but that I forgive her for the harm she did to me in our marriage, and for the hurt she is causing me now.

I told her that when she was done dealing with her demons, my door was open. Not as her wife, but as her friend.. and that I would welcome her with a hug and a high five for finally beating the woman who had caused her so much pain (herself)

That I wanted her to be happy and was proud of her changes. She said she could tell I was changing too.

And she bawled.

We ended the conversation. As we walked to the car, she grabbed and held my hand. I walked her to her car and she hugged me. She said "You know I love you right?". I said.. I see it now, but it's been very hard to see the past 7 months.

I explained how God opened my heart last Friday and that I was done punishing her. I was done making her out to be evil because I was hurting. That it wasn't fair to her and it wasn't loving.

I told her that I loved her too. She said the same old thing.. "I know you do".

She later sent me a text saying that she appreciated that we brought our higher power into today. There was an obvious shift in the way we communicated, and she appreciated it.

I responded saying me too and that God is good and that I continue to be surprised by how much he loves us considering how unlovable we act at times.

And that was that. I will be getting a Divorce. I will be getting one because my w feels it's what's right so she can change for the better.

I can choose to be upset about it.. but I look at it this way.. if a person can't stop abusing the spouse, but decides to leave the spouse until they can get better.. than that's not a bad thing.

Do I agree with my wife's choices.. no. but I also know that I struggle with my co-dependency and that I can't really be in a healthy r with her either.

I don't know what the future holds.. but it looks brighter. I'm sad to lose her, but I truly want her better.. even at the sacrifice of our marriage and me.

That's where I stand at the moment.