I need advice for dealing with a WAW

[SamuelH]

Let me be the first to welcome you to our community here at DB. You will get lots of support here if you'll post often and keep us updated about your stitch.

Thanks. I will certainly try to keep things updated. I guess it's called 'journaling' here right?

I hope you'll read Divorce Remedy.

I plan on reading it as soon as I finish with DB. I've also found a lot of clips of Michele on Youtube that I have been watching.

How does she feel about her foster father?

She seems to have a really good relationship with him. I think she is probably closer to him than her foster mom, although she is still quite close to her too. She was never actually adopted by them, but she chose to legally change her last name to theirs after turning 18.

I'm sure you've been told that the first year of M can be tough. Couples can say things out of their own insecurities, and they don't even mean it, but it's the wrong thing to say. I think that's what happened in your case.

Definitely, I've been told the first 2 years are the hardest, I had no idea that they would be this hard for us though...

Your W has good reason to not have very high opinion of men. She was forever scared by the one who should have been her protector. Must be awful hard to establish trust. That's one reason I asked about her foster dad and how she felt toward him.

It's funny that you mention that. My W would always be like "Heh MEN!" when a man said something she didn't agree with or like. If something around the house broke she'd just huff and say "Well, it was obviously made by a man!". She once confided in me that it was mostly a front though.

This could take some time for her to feel she could trust you not to hurt her emotionally. She may build a wall around herself trying to keep you out. The foster parents my be your only link to her, so I hope you can stay on good terms there. They must like you if they are willing to talk to you and keep you updated.

My W confided in me a month or so before she left that my mentioning the D word scared her very much and caused her to build a wall. I asked her what it would take for the wall to come down and she said "Time". She also said she didn't know if she could ever forgive me completely for what I said. As for my relationship with her foster parents... Yeah, I guess I do have a pretty good one. I think they immediately recognized that I loved her even before we were married and that I only want what is best for her.

For now, finish your books and make some personal goals. Did she ever complain about any particular fault in you? If it's something you can change and improve, then start working on it and mold that into a positive pattern.

Yeah, I've started exercising and watching what I eat. I suppose I also need a way to figure out how to not say things I don't mean in an argument . The thing is, I get that no matter what, I'll be improving myself and getting my mind off things, but how is my wife to know about these improvements when she doesn't even want to talk to me? That is one reason why I am leery of spending the money to book appointments with a professional DBing coach. Perhaps I should wait until after communication has been opened between my W and I before booking the coachings?

Give her some time without you near her. It will be difficult, but try your best not to press her. I know you must fear losing her, but she has to make the decision to trust you again. Hopefully, you will be able to have another shot at a life-long R with her. The one thing you never do is threaten. She needs to believe you aren't going anywhere and you are trustworthy for her heart.

One thing that my counselor said that he felt was very important was to not let our anniversary pass without sending something. He thinks it's important that I send her a gift to symbolize that I still think we are married, even though we are apart. He also feels that it will help her build that trust again and show that the marriage is a stable and safe place for her to come back to.

You won't find that advice too much here on the board, b/c in most cases the LBH is dealing with a WAW who is involved in an A. In those circumstances, things would need to be handled, IMHO, a bit differently than yours.

Well I didn't mention this before, but we actually had an old guy friend of hers renting our basement (they never dated or anything). The original idea was that he would work at one of these jobs my W was working at and would pay us rent to help out with our financial situation. Unfortunately he wasn't even in our basement 3 weeks when the job went bust and thus he was unemployed and unable to pay rent. My W was spending all day with him while I was at work, and all evening down there with him as well. I asked her several times if there was anything I should be concerned about and she got quite offended that I didn't trust her and said they were "just friends" and that's it! I told her I believed her that there was no affair going on, but I was still jealous of the amount of time she was spending with him. Our marriage counselor told us that we had to get him out of our basement and back where he came from (about 30 minutes outside my W's hometown) as soon as possible in order for us to more effectively work on our R. He was actually supposed to move out the day after my W moved out, but instead they moved out together (she rented a van while I was at work). Apparently she dropped him off at his mother's house and continued on to her home town to stay at a girlfriend's. My father in law has been to his house and told me that my W is definitely not there. So I guess, there is another man involved, but I still to this day do not believe there was an affair going on (maybe an emotional one, but not a physical one).

Have you been back to see the MC since she left?

We were actually seeing 3 counselors We were seeing the Reverend at my church, and the pastor and his wife at 'her' church (the church she went to before switching to mine after we were married). I keep regular contact with all 3 and have been getting advice from them. Their advice is mostly to keep praying, give my W her space and maintain contact with my in-laws on a weekly basis.

I'll actually seem them all tomorrow.