Help with WAW

[sandi2]

One goal I would like, is for us both just be able to be around each other without her worrying about me talking about r and will be able to look at me.

Good goal. Now, break that down into steps. How will you accomplish it?

You're right, she doesn't want to be around you mainly b/c she knows you well enough to realize you're going to want to discuss the MR. So, to her, the best way of handling that is just keep away from you.

sandi2, can you give me some insight on the lack of eye contact. Since you are giving me info from the other point of view. Is this something you went through also. Why is there such a difficulty with this? Is it because of the hurt and pain, the anger toward me, is she afraid I will pick up something she is hiding, because she is uncomfortable with me or her decision, is she afraid she will let her guard down and show some emotions for me that she is trying to keep hid, or other possibilities?

I would say that it is very possibly all those things....except for the last part you mentioned. To be blunt, it is not b/c she's hiding any emotions for you (if you mean feeling love for you). I kind doubt that it's due to her pain & anger toward you. Of course, I don't know her personally, but you can think of how she did in past times if she was angry at you. Did she look you in the eye then? Some women turn inward when they are very hurt, but I still don't think that's the main reason for lack of eye contact. I tend to think it is either b/c she's hiding something (but not necessarily the things you've mentioned) or she is avoiding R talk you might initiate.

She probably feels very uncomfortable around you due to her decision, but not necessarily b/c she thinks she's made the wrong decision....but b/c she thinks you are going to put pressure on her to not follow through with all of this.

When you don't want a person engaging in a conversation (or affection), don't you avoid eye contact? Notice that young lovers usually stare into each other's eyes b/c they most certainly want the verbal and physical attention from each other. Naturally, she's going to do the opposite now.

IMHO, the main reason she would not look you in the eyes is b/c of guilt. I always have been an eye to eye person, especially my H. However, when he confronted me about my EA and the OM, I would not look into his eyes. Later, I would avoid doing that simply b/c I knew (or thought I knew) he would take it as a "sign" that I was "coming around" and I did not want to encourage him.

When a person is ice cold to you, they don't usually look into your eyes unless it is some type of confrontation. That's not what she wants from you.

Also, from a WAW point of view, even though you are putting on this strong front for everyone, are you still struggling internally with the idea I still love the h/w even though they keep telling them and everyone else I don't, am I doing the right thing,etc

Yes, I think so, unless she's completely over the edge if sanity. But she's trying to convince herself, you, and friends & relatives that she knows what she's doing is for the best in the long run. She can't afford to show anything but a strong "front".

I guess what I am saying, what kind of internal struggles continue for the WAW or in this case you after you walk.

I can't speak for "after they walk", since I never left the house, but I think I can safely say she definitely suffers with internal struggles. Every morning I would tell myself that I was going to stay in my M. By the time I got home from work, I couldn't wait to contact OM and feed the ego monster I had become. A lot of my internal struggles was trying to drown out any rational voice that spoke to my conscience. I did a good job rewriting history. My H has the best heart of anyone I have ever known. He has never intentionally hurt me nor was he ever cruel. Everyone who knows my H thinks he's wonderful. So, it was a hard task trying to convince anyone else that I had grounds to break up our M.....much less justify another man! You just can't do it. You can't justify having an A.

What are some of the things you told your h when you went through this? I want to compare notes.

Right now I can't remember of a thing! You see, he had solid proof of my EA. When he confronted me with what he knew....I said nothing much at all. Unusual, as I am considered the "talker" in our R. I made no excuses for myself. I didn't try to tell him he was wrong, or that OM was a friend. I remember I stayed home from work the next day and it was not a day I'd want to remember. I do recall him responding to something I said. I'm not sure what I said.....but I have very clear memory of what he said. I had given some type of threat about leaving until I could decide what I wanted to do. He said if I ever left him that there would be no "coming back". Another time when I was trying to suggest that we just share the same roof and try to be "friends".....he said that we would not be enlisting in the buddy-buddy system.

Sorry I can't help more in the actual conversations. So much of that has been forgotten. Strange......b/c I figured that was branded on my brain! When I read stories here on the board, it often triggers my memory and I think, "Oh, I said the same thing to my H".

they always ask if she is having an affair or the online stuff says there is ea or pa.

Well, probably b/c in most cases, there is an A or else the woman wants to be free to have one, if the right one presented itself.... .....and it usually does. If there has been no abuse, or no other "reasonable" excuse for a woman to leave her home(especially) and her M, and uproot her children.....why would she? It doesn't make much sense, does it? But you see, women feed into this "lie" that is being fed to society these days. Just look over the DB board and see how many more WAW's there are compared to WAH's. It's astounding! Guess that's why I'm not much a fan of FB, b/c of all the crazy women who start digging up old boyfriends, etc. Of course, they've always listen to the wrong friends influence them into leaving an unhappy M. Wow! Guess I'm the one venting now. But it's so sad to see all these women (even the older ones) walking away from their M's. I may not remember everything I said to my H five years ago, but I remember why I'm still here. I believe in M and what God designed it to be. I'm very blessed that I still have mine.