Need HOPE & Advice

[25yearsmlc]

I apologize if this is a bit rambling or if it's posted in the incorrect area- My head is spinning.I'm in the Guard/Reserves-currently deployed to Afghanistan.

Thanks for your service. I'm a veteran (JAG Corps) b/c my h was active duty in the Med Corp). Now he's a reservist also getting deployed. NOT FUN...and a terrible time for her to tell you all this. Can she "wait" til you return to file papers? It's hard to get a divorce and you CAN stop it from happening while you are deployed, it's called the Sailor's & Soldier's Civl Relief Act. No judgements can be entered against you while activated. It may buy you time...

Then get home and see about real counseling or other ways to slow the train down some more. Use whatever excuse you can if need be.

Later, like when you get home,

you can DEMONSTRATE CHANGE in YOU b/c after all,

the only way she'll stay married to you is if

SHE believes that marriage to you can change/improve.

So you need to, for now, contrast the negative images she has, with positive ones. If she says you are late--you become Mr Punctual, if she says you are a downer, then all you talk about now are UPBEAT positive mental attitude things. NOT Easy but not complicated. These are called "180s."


Get the Divorce Remedy or Div Busting book(s) as soon as you can and read it. It forms the basis of this site's approach.


My wife of 17 years, whom I love & adore, has just announced that she wants a divorce. Our marriage was beautiful until the last few years. I supported her through postgrad school & business ventures. Finance issues & frequent seperations have caused a strain. I said things that I regret...thinking about it, I probably suffer from depression/anxiety issues. She felt unappreciated and I'm sure that I hurt her self-esteem. Unfortunaely-I took out my own frustrations on the ones that I love. I regret all of it.
I'll be home soon& have an appt

Is this "leave" you'll be on OR are you done with the deployment?
Either way, it's your chance to show her that you are working on you.

You are the one posting here and you are the only one you can control. REmember that.

...maybe I need meds for anxiety/depression. I

no shame in that! Get them, esp if they help you detach and not pursue.

The more you challenge her choices, the more she'll defend them and the more solidifed they'll become.

suggested couples counceling when I return, but she said that its too late (she had suggested it for 2 yrs- but I was in denial, and refused to go). I believe her when she tells me that there isn't another man. She said that she loves me- she has been crying,but can't return to the way we were.

Agree with this^^^!!. You also do not want the marriage you HAD b/c you want a new better one and you are already a new, better man to be part of a new better marriage.

See if there's any way she'll attend Retrovaille with you. IT"s a retreat for marriages in crisis. IT"s very very good. I say that from experience.



I just started to learn the 180 rules...it is so hard. I love and adore my wife and children. I want to save our family. I need help- Is it possible to save my marriage? I hope that I'm not too late. Thanks everyone

YES it IS possible to save the marriage....

How many children do you have? Ages? No woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their father. For many of us, it's a turn on...be the best dad you can be, now more than ever.

Make these changes b/c YOU want to become the best man you can become, a man only a fool would leave.

These are not "tactics" to get your wife back, but permanent changes you are making in order to become the man you were meant to be.


Tell us exactly what your wife SAYS the issues are.

Which ones of those are valid issues YOU want to work on?


We can go from there....