I am separated from my husband. Married 8 years. 2 children.
This summer we had an argument. Our child (6) was exposed to the day-long event, on his birthday. I told H that if we exposed him to a fight again to his negligence (He played his DS all day while we fought on his birthday. I kept asking him to wait til the evening but he couldn't. ), I would leave. 6 weeks later, he went on an absolute tirade against me and my son during a big argument. He told my son that I was selfish, that when he's a man he'll understand, and the like. He also broke a door down on us after I locked it to try to calm our son down. I left the next morning, after not sleeping that night, convinced he would come in and shoot me and the kids.
He has also cheated on me, having a one night stand and an emotional affair with a co-worker. I have gone to counseling, I have taken us to counseling, I have read books and books and books and books...He has done none of these things.
He tells me all our problems are my fault. That I haven't been supportive enough (Just his perspective, I'm not arguing the veracity of that claim!). He takes no responsibility unless I also take responsibility. For example, "if you hadn't brought up that topic in that way, I wouldn't have flipped out the way I did."
I just read "Why Does He Do That?" and the book really struck a chord. I know my husband isn't intensely abusive, but I also know that he is typically either stonewalling me, or letting tension build to a point where he explodes at me with anger. The author doesn't think these things are likely to change. As of today, he says he is angry at me for leaving (3 months ago), and he is not willing to consider making changes unless I admit I should not have left. (I am trying to make him understand I left out of fear! He says he "believes" me but that I make him out to be a monster)
My friends and counselor all say to let it go. They say he has abuse problems. I'm wondering...if he ever decides he wants to change (which, he still hasn't, but IF), what can he do that will help? I can't find any abuse programs that are local to us. Has anyone had experience with this? Is there hope?
There is hope. First he has an Anger Management problem that needs addressing. There are several programs out there and perhaps it's time he seeks out a counselor to help him with that. Blaming you for his flipping out is childish and a form of arrested development/emotional lack of maturity. I will suggest a book for you and him. The title is: Angry Men and the Women that Love Them.
I hope that helps you.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I'd like to clarify what I'm asking. I'm "doing a 180" on my husband. Not begging, cajoling, crying, etc etc. That was effective this week and caused him to initiate relationship talk. But then the reality is that there are still a lot of his behaviors that need to change if we can be healthy together.
How do I bring that up correctly while doing a 180?
Ok, just gonna play devil's advocate here - how exactly do you have a day-long argument with a guy who is playing his Nintendo?
If he's not paying attention to you, or participating the way you think he should, the solution is NOT to have a day-long argument with him in front of your kid - and you need to take responsibility for YOUR part in that dynamic. Not saying he was right - he was a jerk - BUT - the whole day would have turned out differently if you had just said your piece, then gone on with what you were doing, and put your attention onto your child.
So - I guess my point is, yes, he should go to anger management - but YOU need to look carefully at whether YOUR part in this bad dynamic is contributing.
I could be mistaken, but I think she meant that her S played DS all day while they argued.
Is it possible to change? Yes it is always possible to change, but a person has to want to change. And it won't happen over night either.
Your H needs anger management, and his threat that he will only get help if you admit you shouldn't have left is just a method to control and manipulate you.
Coming from someone that had a anger issue, it can be done. However, I've been in therapy for almost a year now, and I see a therapist with a combination of the correct meds, I finally feel normal.
If you truly think for a moment that your H could hurt you and your children, then don't go back....EVER.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
That day I DID try to say my piece and walk away. I went and took a shower. He followed me into the shower (the door has no lock) and opened the curtain while I asked him to leave. He refused and stood there with the curtain open. My sister and her friends were in the room outside the bathroom. I was mortified.
I do fear my own role in everything. But various sources say that's not healthy for me to do. I don't really know what's true. But I am afraid of him. I'm going to visit for Thanksgiving with the kids. I asked him to get the guns out of the house and that makes him angry. He said something like..."you're starting to make me believe I would be capable of killing you." Now I feel like I shouldn't have asked him to remove the guns! I'm not even sure he'll be taking them out! But I'm afraid to not go visit because he'll get angry and I don't want him to be angry.
Guns, anger, family, they don't mix, and I'm as pro guns as it gets! He is clearly in denial, and is manipulating you. Like an alcoholic, he is just buying more time, but does not intend to change.
You know I am reminded of someone I know who nearly lost it all to include his life. He was clearly about to OD then he had his rock bottom moment smashed the bottle against a rock and got help. It took a year or two and AA before his wife and kids forgave him.
See when it comes to anger its one thing to say that someone made you angry. We get angry all the time, its what you do with those emotions that really matters. Yes YOU may have made him angry, but HE is the one that is the abuser. His abuse is NOT your fault.
Clearly he is not ready to accept this, and until he does, and gets ALL the therapy needed, he is a danger to you and your family.
It sounds cliched, but you really are getting a variation of
"why did you make me give you a black eye"
Finally I know it is only "two" incidents. More reason to nip this in the bud. I hardly say this but go ahead and file for a D. IMHO its your only chance to save your family, and may force him to realize how wrong he has been. He needs to hit rock bottom.
Hi and sorry you are here I have verbally abused my W many times and the last time she was afraid. I have not hit her but r the verbal abuse was just as bad. I never wanted to hurt her but I learned from my dad as to how to deal with a conflict. I promised to not behave like him he would break doors window and get physical. I have not gotten to that point and hope that this experience will never get me there. I am ashamed about my behavior even though some of my complaints may have been legitimate. I had choices too. Could have left could have done many things differently but instead I chose to get pissed. If you have children and are in danger you must leave him ASAP. His abusive behavior is not your fault. Can he change? Maybe but only if he wants too. Does he drink or do drugs? That makes a difference. Hang in there we are here to help
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Welcome to divorcebusting.com. As you can tell by the great advice you've been given, we are here to help you brainstorm solutions.
You have to evaluate your situation as it changes--never put yourself or your child in harms way, or if you get in such a situation, have an escape plan.
People DO change. And you definitely affect a change in their behavior by changing your own behavior. For example, you may have lots of experience to indicate that if you do a 'drive by' verbal dump that will irritate him, you probably know he's not going to drop it--that he's going to follow you and escalate the argument. That does NOT make his behavior your fault (so you have to be careful with how this affects you mentally). You CAN do things differently to effect a change.
But -- in my opinion -- a complete change of character is only going to come if HE embraces it. It does happen, and it happens all the time. Talking about it with him isn't likely to get you there.
Keep posting--we are here for you. Hang in there, and take great care of yourself and your son.
), I would leave. 6 weeks later, he went on an absolute tirade against me and my son during a big argument. He told my son that I was selfish, that when he's a man he'll understand, and the like. He also broke a door down on us after I locked it to try to calm our son down. I left the next morning, after not sleeping that night, convinced he would come in and shoot me and the kids.