new to this..

[sayitaintso]

Sounds like you are in a tough spot. I am just a rookie on here so I will refrain from offering too much advice but just want you to know I am thinking about you and hoping for the best.

It seems like he may need some professional help but easier said than done. Please don't blame yourself for his issues whether you are a trigger for things or not.

Good Luck

[workinghardguy]

Only listen to 30% of what they say and take notice of half of what they do.

before we actually started talking rationally

Ergo... dismiss it, ignore it, it was said in the heat of battle and from a place designed to hurt you.

During one fight my W told me "if it wasn't for the kids I'd already be out of here." Maybe true, maybe not. I've let it go because a) it was said in the heat of battle and designed to hurt me and b) it doesn't matter... for whatever reason she is here still just as your husband returned for whatever reason he returned.

Don't rehash the past... it can't be relived or revised.

[learning2listen]

journaling...

Every step I take I have to think, am I doing this for me or is this some strategic way to get my h to come home.. I learning that for many years I lived and breathed for my H, I did not have my own opinion, i walked on egg shells based on his moods, I was starved of attention, I could prance around the house naked and would get nothing....

Maybe its time for me to realize that unless he wants to focus on himself, there is nothing to change for us...

I want to be happy again, I want to provided the life for my girls that we once had.. this is on me, this is what I have to do..

I often think "if i do this, how would h feel.." the big lesson here is it doesnt matter how h would feel, because H is not here anymore, and no matter how much i read his signals, (the fact he is still wearing his ring..) he shows no signs of ever coming back.

my h has not filed for d or even mentioned it since the moveout, but he he does refer to us being broken up ( like we are in highschool)and the relationship ending.. etc..this should be enough for me to just let go, move on...I so need to learn to detach, I need to find the strength within myself to GAL.

The facts are, he may not have filed, or discussed it, but he is gone, if I dont start doing things for me, I will find myself just waiting and letting years go by, I will become his doormat. I will be the convenience, not the wife. I can not do this anymore, I need to be honest with myself and see things for what they really are.

I need to go back and re-read my journaling entry from a few days ago... I need to set some goals. I need to focus on me...

[learning2listen]

Whg.. but my h has not returned,, he is still completely silent with the exception of the once a week lunch, and possibly this week if I have him stay with the kids while i go see my mom.

I think way too much! I cant help it, and mornings when I first wake up are the most difficult, which is strange beings we havent shared a bed for a long time. He would sleep on the couch and go to work before 6 am so i almost never saw him in the morning.

I am having a difficult time not contacting him, I feel like if I stay "detached" he will just assume I am moving on. I think the only reason he is not filing for the d is financial. and that just ticks me off.

He is building a new life without his family, he talks about how the bills will be caught up, and he can start helping me more the first of the year, only problem is he isnt paying the bills that I have, only his car payment, his rent and his living expenses. How does he possibly think if he took 2/3 of his income out of the house (he does pay me a little) that I am to get these bills paid off.

I find myself actually getting angry and then it is crushed by the thought of actually living without him. We dont talk about any of this.

Its weird I admitt I took him forgrnted a bit while we were together, but when I think of our entire history, sometimes i see why he left and i think why would he ever want me back, then other times i think he took me forgranted as well.

I dont want to think about it anymore, if i try to be rational, i get more confused. he sends mixed signals, he doesnt reach out to me in between our lunches, he just goes about his day to day.
I have stopped communication with my mil, due to she blames me and says he did what he had to do.. and in the end everyone will be stronger and better off. then says something like "no matter what happens" as if that is suppose to make me feel better.

I wish I could just be secure enough in myself to believe I was a good wife, and I deserve to be happy. Yes I made mistakes, but I work on myself, I see the things in the r that I could have done better, isnt that part of growing as a person?

I have never been a game player or mysterious, which i thought was a good thing. I am not liking how this is going, I do not want to stay in this limbo place, because I dont think he is in limbo.

I am mostly just venting for today.

[In_Shock]

You said : "wish I could just be secure enough in myself to believe I was a good wife, and I deserve to be happy. Yes I made mistakes, but I work on myself, I see the things in the r that I could have done better, isnt that part of growing as a person?

I have never been a game player or mysterious, which i thought was a good thing. I am not liking how this is going, I do not want to stay in this limbo place, because I dont think he is in limbo. "


You are definitely a person who deserves to be happy. We have ALL made mistakes -- and WE are here. Our WAS is not. Who is really doing the hard work, hmmmm? Yes yes and yes --- it is a part of growing as a person. Mistakes -- learn -- mistakes -- learn. Without them, how would we ever improve? And that IS what you are doing. ]

I too have never been mysterious or a game player - and I also thought that was a good thing. Funny isn't it?

WAH is likely in limbo = but reality may not have hit him yet and he may give lip service to having moved on or whatever, but not necessarily..... They say a lot of things. We usually have no idea what they are really thinking.

[learning2listen]

well h called today about staying with the kids while i go see my mom.. he caught me in a very down mood, when he asked what was wrong I lied and said I was just having a tough day at work.

The reality, i was just on the phone with his mom and I get so frustrated with her willingness to help me, because her son is 90% of why I am need of help.

I am feeling myself getting resentful towards the whole darn thing.He walked away, that is on him. I am doing everything I can to make sure me and the kids are ok. I really hate having to ask him to help with anything, it just gives him more power, more control.

I dont like how I feel today, it is so hard not showing my true feelings, and my feelings are this...he says "i get the feeling you are trying to make me feel guilty.. and I dont..." this was said quite some time ago, within the first month of him leaving.. well get this.. you should feel guilty..

I know this is not helping.. I am just so hurt with where I am at. Its not so much about the r ending.. its more about the finacial burden he has put on me, the fact that I am working 2 jobs and taking care of the kids 100% of the time, and I know I am suppose to take his help when he feels like offering but its just one more feather in his cap.

[learning2listen]

still pretty down today.. the problem I struggle most with aside from the unanswered questions...mixed signals..etc..is the finacial aspect of all of this.

When my H and I met, he was unemployed, living a very crazy life, but seemed mostly happy.. I on the other hand was recently divorced, had trust issues due to my x leaving me for another women...but financially i was secure.

My life revolved around making my h happy, something I know now that I really didnt control, however I was able to make him feel secure. when that all vanished is when our r took a nose dive. it is trly the only dots i can connect.

He says he only came back to me after the arrest for his defense on the pending charges. shortly after coming back he quit his job. he got another one before his 2 week notice was up so we were ok, but then that establishment went out of business and we had to go without his income (unemployment barely covered anything..) for 6 months, then he got his current job, which I think he has always felt it was beneath him...

I really have come to a place in my life where I realize that my happiness also matters. My security also matters, my hopes and dreams are important also. Its nice to take care of someone but it is nice to know you are taken care of as well... this is somewhere new for me. I know my h thinks he did all this, but i am having different memories of the r now.

I remember after our d was born he was suppose to be a stay at home dad because my income more than supported us and i didnt want to put d in daycare. the day before i was to return to work he announced to me he would go crazy if he had to stay home all the time with the baby.

then I remember him buying ear plugs so he wouldnt hear the baby cry at night. I remember getting phone calls minutes after i would leave the house if i finally would get a break to go somewhere without my baby.. asking "when will you be home..all she is doing is crying...."

I remember mostly negative right now, and I wonder why I am hanging on to this? why do i not just put my foot down and say "this is for the best!" I deserve more!

I know I tried to maintain a lifestyle for my h, even after my income declined, by getting us in debt.. that is his main complaint, and the only thing I know for sure he is angry about... however he didnt ask the questions when spending it..

I need to understand he is selfish, when he was home, and I was secure he would never leave, I could address these things with friends or even with him, when I would talk to him we would just fight, he would shut down and make ridiculous statements like we should sell everything we own and move into a one bedroom apartment. ( yeah that would help., we have a family of 4) but i know i should have compromised, but looking back i dont honestly think it would have made a difference, he would have left anyway. I couldnt support his lifestyle anymore.

I am venting.. i know but to write it out, and re-read it.. it helps.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Grace_O]

L2L,

I get that you want better from him. If he truly is this selfish, you may not get it. Even if he is MLC, you wan't get it now.

Do you really think he stays for the lifestyle you provide? If that's the case, what will your D learn about relationships and "keeping" a man as she grows up? are they the lessons you want her to learn?

I have watched both of my D's with boyfriends and I have had to sit with them and have some very honest conversations about things they learned from me that were not good. My ownership has done alot to help them make their own changes. Wouldn't it be great if your D didn't have to unlearn things?

When you look at your self, who do you see? Is she the woman you always wanted to be? If not, what would you change? How would you go about making these changes? What is one action you could take that would move you even a breath closer to a goal you have?

HUGS

[learning2listen]

its really ironic you say the comment of the example I want to set for my d's, I too have said this.. my only problem is he isnt constantly like this.. I use to be able to set my watch to his mood swings. Almost seasonal. however this time it seems to have stuck in the I dont care mode and isnt coming out of it..

which leads me to believe i am doing exactly what I need to be doing. I need to continue with my GAL and continue to grow from this.. its really all I can do.

He wont get help because he doesnt feel as though he has a problem. He doesnt believe in counceling. and i cant change that. Ultimately, i just have to keep telling myself, focus on what you can change and improve; myself. I say it alot through out the day.. at some point I believe I will start believing it.

[learning2listen]

Well lets see here, this week was eventful to say the least..

a bill collector called my h at work and made all kinds of threats.. he then called me and said if any of these threats actually happen I will not see a dime from him.. and we should move forward with the divorce. this is the first mention of d since the beginning.

I called the collector and solved the problem, called h and said he would need to pay half. I also said fine with the d.. I am sick of the threats and if it is what he wants to do then do it, stop threating me with it when things get tough.

It was very hard to do this but it made him stop talking so mean and actually speak with me about the debts. he offered to pay half and made no mention again of the D.

I then had to fly out to see my mother who had a stroke recently, and he was to stay with the kids. I had mixed feelings of this, but I decided it would be ok and right now I can not deal with his issues, my family needs me to help my mother.

today i sent a text because i havent heard anything from him as to how it was going. I just said "is everything going ok?" and about an hour later he called. I was unable to answer because i was at the hospital and couldnt return the call for quite a while..

when i did, he asked how my mom was and how i was doing. then he said he may be out of a job soon, he received a letter that indicated they could be closing his place of employment. I told him i was sorry to hear that and wished him good luck on the job hunt. I asked if he could leave my house key on the counter when he leaves tomorrow.

I think I left him feeling pretty confused.. I was nice, and compassionate of his situation, but this is not my problem anymore, I do not have to deal with the constant up and down of his job. he quits his job pretty consistantly every couple of years.

He said he couldnt believe his boss has lied to him for so long, I said i was sorry. I didnt really offer any solutions which is a huge 180 for me. If he wants to do this on his own I guess this is something he will need to face alone.