Hi All- New poster although I have been reading the forums and am greatful to have found this site. WAW dropped bomb 6-2011, moved out 8-2011. 2 kids. Seperated but we see each other everyday and take turns w/ the kids who go back & forth to our respected homes.
I went through massive emotional pain and begged, pleaded, bought gifts etc. for the first couple months. Soon after the bomb was dropped our communication improved and our relationship as friends improved greatly. My W is comfortable w/ this relationship at this time and nothing else. No more space???
Don't know if I need to divulge entire history for help from everyone here but we have been married for 9 years, together for 15. We both got stuck in our roles and eventually were living parrallel lives. I finally "woke up" and realized the major emotional disconnection about a year and a half ago and did my best to repair and reconnect but to no avail.
She is angry at my taking her for granted for so long and not being there for her. I have felt absolutely terrible about this and just recently forgave myself. I shouldered the responsibility for the decline in our marriage and truly believed it was all my fault. I just recently realized that she had her share in this as well. I had been very co-dependent of her and would base my feelings/success/etc on how she was feeling. This dynamic has changed dramatically as I realize that I create my emotions and my happiness and it has been empowering.
These past few weeks I have finally shifted out of my victim point of view (after 4 months of sulking & self-pity) and am extremely proud of myself for getting to a point where I am happy with myself and I am enjoying my life and my kids more than ever. I am greatful that my W & I have re-established a friendship but I am hopeful for more.
I have read DR and recently began to detach. I don't initiate calls or texts or conversations and have been my authentic upbeat self when around W. My question and reluctance is that since we have always had communication issues I feel like if I pull back so far and don't initiate any communication that she may feel, here we go again, he has withdrawn and shut me out and we are back to a unproductive communication dynamic that we have always had. ( I know I am speculating or projecting here but its a concern of mine) I want to keep our friendship building but feel I need to ask about her day or what she's up to, etc... What's the best way to balance this???
I know she has noticed changes over the past year and even more recently and she has stated that she thinks its just a phase and that she can't trust it. I know this is a good sign and that consistent changes + time will help this.
As much as this [censored] and being the most painful experience I have ever been faced with I am greatful for the opportunity to become the man I am becoming. For those really struggling I feel for you greatly. I thought I was gonna die and frankly thought that might be easier. Time will help and try to look at this as an opportunity for you to become the best man/woman/husband/wife/father/mother you can be.
As you know, you and your wife will have a relationship for the rest of your lives, as you have 2 children. How you interact and respond to her during this time can impact what happens in the future. Glad to hear the pleading etc have stopped, but it is important that you act and respond to her in a way that will bring her closer, not just being civil. This is what a DB coach will be able to help you with. You will have a very specific plan with follow up to come up with the best approach. We do have a discount on sessions this week, so please call me to set up appt. Best of luck, Karn
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Stepped up my detaching and feeling much more independent for about a week and while wife was over she briefly brought us up and asked how I was which she hasn't done in a long time. I said I'm doing really good. She said she notices that I seem much happier and feels I've adjusted well to our seperation. She commented how we are both in a much better/happier place than we have been recently. We continue to communicate much better which I'm appreciative of.
Is this a good sign that she has noticed and perhaps accepted some of my changes (which I have made for myself not her)or is this a sign that she may feel we are better and happier off as seperated and just friends??
...she briefly brought us up and asked how I was which she hasn't done in a long time. I said I'm doing really good. She said she notices that I seem much happier and feels I've adjusted well to our seperation. She commented how we are both in a much better/happier place than we have been recently. We continue to communicate much better which I'm appreciative of.
I think what your W is doing is reacting to your detachment and is trying to reel you back in. She is testing you and you need to be careful here. Provide short but polite responses to her questions and try not to linger too long. Continue your detachment efforts and create that mystery that appears to have piqued your W's interest.
In all honesty though, my own reaction to what your W said about how much happier you both are and that you both appear to be in a better place would have me a little panicked. I would be thinking; Now don't go getting too comfortable in your "better place" because I want you here with me!
Assuming you are having similar thoughts, how do you push that feeling aside so that you don't derail your DB efforts?
Is this a good sign that she has noticed and perhaps accepted some of my changes (which I have made for myself not her or is this a sign that she may feel we are better and happier off as seperated and just friends??
See that is the part that would have me worried. I would think the same thing...she is getting comfortable which is contrary to what I want. I want my W back, not hanging out in a "better place."
I think DB'ng would mean to continue to work on your changes and do those things that make you attractive, not just friendly.
I do share those same concerns of yours so perhaps we could get some insight from a few of the veterans on the board.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Listen to 30% of what they say and only half of what they do... rinse, repeat.
Of course she is going to say these things. The only other option is to say she is seeing changes, that she is feeling different, and most significantly that she may have made a bad decision and made a mistake
That last phrase is pretty critical. Do not expect her to come out and even get close to saying this. Not yet at least... and not for quite some time.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
I am going to continue to GAL and be the best me I can be because that is what I can control and I have no idea where we will end up. It seems that things change frequently and new perspectives arise so I will address things as they come. If we end up as friends and co-parents then so be it and I will have to accept that and adjust to the best of my abilities.
I say this and it makes sense logically but their is still a longing for the love of my life. One day at a time I suppose.
The only other alternative is to pursue and keep professing my love which does not seem like its right thing to do for myself or for my R.
Thanks for your input, sure wish I found this site a few months back when I was really struggling.
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