I spent all night with XW..........on the phone

[kml]

Wow - I don't know your whole story, Tad, but I am a little surprised by how negatively every body is seeing this. I actually have a more positive take on it.

She, like most WASs, was unhappy and thought leaving was going to make her happy - it didn't.

TOLD ME THAT SHE HAS BEEN TRYING TO FEEL SOMETHING FOR ME FOR THE LAST YEAR BUT CAN'T

Because she's depressed, and depressed people have trouble getting that dopamine high except from the novelty of a new R or from dangerous behaviors. But her telling you she has been "trying" - I'm guessing that she just can't admit to herself how much it is bothering her to think of you with another woman. The jealousy can sometimes be the first sign of those "feelings" surfacing. Many a WAS has gone from "no feelings" to suddenly back to feeling them. It's like they are almost deliberately fighting against the return of feelings, because they are scared.

SAYS SHE DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT SHE WANTED WHEN SHE MOVED OUT. SHE JUST NEEDED TO GET AWAY FROM ME

Typical for a WAS - they feel bad or depressed, don't really know why, figure it must be their spouse's fault and if only they could chew their arm off and get out of the trap, things will be better.

ASKED IF I WAS SEEING ANYONE. I WAS HONEST AND SAID SORT OF BUT NOTHING SERIOUS. SHE DIDN'T PRESS THE ISSUE.
* THEN SHE WANTED TO KNOW HER:
NAME
AGE
NATIONALITY

Oh, she is DYING of jealousy that you are dating someone. Funny how it never occurs to them, when they cheat, that someday you might date someone new too.

INSISTED THAT OM IS JUST A FRIEND AND SAYS THAT SHE HAS NOT SLEPT WITH HIM

Does this meet reality testing? The WAS will often tell bold-faced lies, so if it doesn't jive with the info you have, just ignore it. But true or not, her telling you this sounds like her trying to paint a picture of herself as someone you might take back.

ADMITTED TO GOING ON A DATE WITH A MATH PROFESSOR AT HER WORK, BUT IT WAS A ONE TIME DEAL.

Ditto

TOLD ME THAT WE CAN'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I WANT ALL OR NOTHING AND SHE CAN'T GIVE ME "THAT" PART OF HER RIGHT NOW.

"Okay". Ummm....you're dating someone else, you weren't exactly asking this now, were you? This is HER wrestling with her OWN desire to be with you but being uncertain about whether she can be trusted.

SAID THAT I NEVER LISTENED TO HER

True or not, sounds like HER PERCEPTION in the marriage was that she wasn't being heard. A good clue for what you need to work on.

SAID THAT SHE FELT WORTHLESS, WHEN I TOLD HER THAT SHE ISN'T WORTHLESS, SHE SAID SHE KNOWS SHE ISN'T

She's feeling pretty guilty and stupid

TOLD ME THAT IF WE CAN STOP THE FIGHTING, ARGUING AND REHASHING OF EVENTS OF THE LAST YEAR, WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GO TO LUNCH SOMETIME

* SAID THAT RIGHT NOW, I HAVE NO RIGHT TO ASK HER FOR ANYHTING INCLUDING LUNCH

Turn that around - what she really means is that SHE has no right to ask YOU for anything (Lots of WAS statements have the pronouns reversed like that )

SAID THAT SHE HASN'T SLEPT FOR MONTHS

* IT MAKES HER SAD TO BE DIVORCED

* SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO BE SINGLE

* SHE HATES BEING ALONE

She's figuring out that you weren't really the problem, and she misses you

WANTS S16 FOR ENTIRE THANKSGIVING WEEKEND. I'M NOT GOING TO FIGHT HER ON IT.

Is this her trying to repair her R with him?

CONFUSED ME BY SAYING "YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED" AND LESS THAN A MINUTE LATER SAYS "YOUR NEXT WIFE WILL BE LUCKY AND GET THE BEST OF YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH."

* SAID THAT SHE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO FEELINGS FOR ME.

* ASKED ME WHAT MY FAMILY THOUGHT OF HER

* WANTED TO KNOW IF I TOLD MY FRIENDS ALL OF THE THINGS THAT SHE HAS DONE

Yeah, if she had no feelings for you, she wouldn't care what your family thought of her, and she wouldn't be so jealous.

SAID THAT SHE HAS TO GET A SECOND JOB BECAUSE I AM "MAKING" HER PAY CHILD SUPPORT

Yeah, divorce [censored], and two households are more expensive than one. Nobody wins.

SAID DIVORCE IS MY FAULT BECAUSE I WOULDN'T GIVE HER SPACE THAT SHE NEEDED

Haha, yeah - if you had just let her have all the time in the world to have her affairs, she wouldn't be in this divorced pickle now. So sad.

WHEN ASKED WHY SHE COULDN'T QUIT TALKING TO OM, SHE SAID SHE DID FOR AWHILE, BUT COULDN'T ANSWER WHY SHE STARTED TALKING TO HIM AGAIN

* ADMITTED THAT GOING ON THE DATING SITE WAS WRONG

Dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. It's addictive.

SAID THAT SHE HOPED I DON'T LOSE THE HOUSE

Cuz she still wants her old life to be there just in case she comes back.

SAYS THAT SHE HAS BEEN MISERABLE FOR YEARS

* SAID OM HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HER DEPARTURE AND WOULD HAVE LEFT ANYWAYS

REvisionist BS

SAID THAT SHE DOESN'T WANT OUR SONS TO HAVE A REPLACEMENT MOTHER

* SAID SHE NEVER FELT NUMBER ONE WITH ME

* TOLD ME THAT SHE USED TO LOVE ME "SO F*CKING MUCH"

* SAID WE WILL NEVER BE A COUPLE AGAIN

* TOLD ME TO NOT TELL HER HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER ANYMORE BECAUSE SHE KNOWS

* ACCUSED ME OF LYING TO HER FOR YEARS

* SAID SHE WAS TIRED OF FEELING UNIMPORTANT TO ME

She wants to come back but is scared she cannot regain the feeling (although unbeknownst to her it is bubbling inside already) and scared you would not forgive her.

She is "spinning" in a big way. This is the stage of maximum confusion. Sometimes they break out of it and return to the relationship - sometimes they get too scared of the mess they have made and just move on to another guy.

IF you want her back - BIG IF - DON'T make the mistake of acting eager or reading too much into this. Think about trying to get a squirrel to eat out of your hand - if you are too enthusiastic you scare them off. Sounds like you've already made it plenty clear enough that you could forgive her. You might want to validate how unloved she felt in the relationship and mention how that was never your intention and you regret that. Then keep dating and moving forward with your life - if you suddenly stop dating and start waiting around for her, she will sense it and be scared off. But if she sees that she better pull her act together if she doesn't want to lose you to another woman - she might move forward through the process.

Stay calm, tread lightly, don't get your hopes up, but allow her to spin and process.