Didn't have to work today because of Vet's Day. Woke up, jogged, did some strength exercises, showered, and ate a hearty breakfast.
Despite my social anxiety, I have been feeling a greater and greater need to be around and enjoy other people. Rather than sit home and write my daily NaNoWriMo quota, I packed up and headed down to Barnes and Noble to do it instead. It was full of people trying to get out of the rain. Walked around and looked at all the glorious books for a while, then sat down and finished my writing. Apart from some dumb kids causing trouble for the management, it was very fun. I then went to Starbucks, ordered a passion tea, and read my book for a while. It is a page-turner and a total joy for me to read, both as a reader and a writer.
Before heading home, I stopped at my local park for a long walk down a trail that heads around a pond and through the woods. There were only a few other people out there enjoying the trail, so it felt very private and spiritual. I felt very in tune with nature and the world. I could sense myself open up to the both the beauty and the chaos that life has to offer. When I think of my sitch, I often tend to think of more horrific things people have had to deal with, like the death of a loved one or surviving war-time atrocities. They too have had to make the choice to be happy and thrive despite all that they have gone through. These comparisons often put things back into perspective for me.
For some reason, it sprung up in my mind walking back to my car the multiple times that my W complained about the lack of "passion" in our M. She once discussed with me how we were high on commitment and companionship, but low on passion. I always equated this dip in passion with the natural ebb of an M (as mentioned in the "Marriage Map" in DR).
In a lot of ways, our M was, well...boring. Secure and based on a strong companionship, yes, but still boring. Sex was infrequent, and when we had it, it was enjoyable but pretty repetitious and not very exciting. Our idea of fun was going out to the movies every once in a while, watching our favorite shows on TV, and talking for a while before going to bed. I was okay with this boring way of life. It may not have been thrill-a-minute, but it was comfortable and fulfilling.
My W, however, was vocally uncomfortable with the lack of passion. My guess is that she had her A in order to get that passion: sex, excitement, validation, all of it. I often read that A's fall apart once that initial sense of passion and excitement melts away. I guess only time will tell on that one.
This is not to mean that there weren't things there that I did or didn't do to perhaps further influence her decision. I will still pinpoint and work on those things for myself, if anybody. I'm just saying that I believe that this passion deficit was the biggest problem for my W and the one that made her feel that she had to run away.
I believe that she could have worked harder on restoring passion in us rather than seeking it in somebody else. I saw almost no effort on her part when it came to that. But, given her traumatic history, I understand that her sense of conflict resolution when it comes to relationships is very scrambled. I am willing to forgive her completely one day. It is not there completely, but the forgiveness is coming.
