I'm still here-again

[~¤DG¤~]

Quick recap for anyone who isn't familiar with my sitch:

H & I married for 5 years, together for 6. I struggled a lot with anxiety/depression and also with a bad temper.
H left on Feb 20th and filed for D on Oct 21st. I still have not received any paperwork., but I'm sure I will soon.

Journaling-

I have the day off of work due to Veterans day, which is a first. We've usually been open but this year they decided to close.
I took advantage of the day to put up some Holiday decorations. I always liked to get them up early but usually didn't because H always said I couldn't until Thanksgiving.
Well....H isn't here so up they went. I will wait until Tday to put up the tree though.
I also did some baking this morning. Lately I've really had the cooking/baking bug and I like it, although my waist line may say differently.
I made some brownies and chocolate chip bars, tonight I am making baked mostaccioli.
I've never made it before, but since I'm italian, how difficult could it be?

I'm dreading the holidays this year. Last year Christmas was not good at all, H & I fought a lot and it makes me sad to think that our last Christmas together was memorable in a negative way.
I honestly thought that H & I would have reconciled by now. It's hard to believe that we've been apart 9 months now. Some days I don't think much about it at all, but then others it is on my mind constantly.
I still love and am in love with my H, even though he has decided to shut the door on our M. Those of you who have been with me this far know the change and growth I have experienced. Those who may be new to this whole DB concept-I have a couple words of wisdom that I have learned thus far that you can do with what you wish:

1. Do not let ANYONE tell you what you should do/think/feel. I'm not talking about fellow DB'ers on this site as much as I mean the people in your life. Nobody wants to see someone they care about in pain, and probably genuinely want to help, but only YOU know what's best for YOU.

2. Do not give up on yourself. We have all done things that we are not proud of, and we have all made mistakes. However, beating yourself up over the past and things you cannot change will only hurt you instead of help. Realize you've made your own share of mistakes, but don't place all the burden of blame on your shoulders. It takes 2 in any relationship.

3. This one is most important to me-remember that you were someone before your spouse, and you are someone after them also. Thinking that you are "nothing" without them isn't healthy. The only person who completes you, is you. Being co dependent on someone else for your self worth & happiness will always make you feel insecure about yourself.

4. It really is true when they say DBing is more about you than saving your M. If it helps your M that is a wonderful thing, but even if it doesn't, doesn't mean you have failed. I had that concept twisted in my head for a long time.

5. Patience, patience, patience. This road you are traveling on is going to take more patience than you've probably ever had to have in your life. That is ok though. As someone who had to have things rightnow, it has taught me to slow down and respect the process. Like you've probably already heard a million times, this is a marathon, not a sprint. (Right JB?)