Never thought I would be the one to file

[25yearsmlc]

So I went to see a lawyer today to see about child support. H is only giving me money for 1/2 of daycare

and half of the food? And half the utilities? And half the mortgage? And the car payment for a car that's probably a tad bigger, & "gassier" than you would have if you were single, and what else? JUST HALF The daycare? Do you earn the same salaries?

Wow, that's just delusional of him...AND I don't know what state you are in, but SOME states do allow you to get a court ordered support payment without a divorce filing...it's "interim support" or "separation" and some states allow for it.

What about alimony? I don't know how long you've been m but in many states, at 10 years the "long term marriage" is implied/crossed. BTW, while Nicole Kidman planned her 10th anniversary party for her husband Tom Cruise, he went to see a L and filed a month before the anniversary. I don't hate the guy but that pattern of behavior and planning, ALL WITHOUT her knowing, are troubling. I like to think he's a different man now.... ..


and since I have the kids 6 days a week he should be helping me with more. I thought I could just file for child support but I guess it doesn't work like that. The lawyer was really great and made me feel better.


this ^^^ is a big deal, and a good one. If they seem competent AND make you feel better, savor that. Interview a few but remember how this one made you feel. It matters...so does "winning", whatever that means, but mainly just feeling comfortable enough to pick up the phone and ask questions is a big deal. Not as common as one would hope.


I feel really stupid though because I don't want to file for D. I just can't keep going on with things the way they are now. I don't know I feel really conflicted. I am not sure I did the right thing.

You did the ONLY thing you could do, IF you were telling the truth earlier:

You SAID your children were suffering financially in a way that threatens their life style (not saying "No Ipods this Christmas" but)

more like "NO text books", or "no new clothes for high school", or
" no contributions to the college fund this year" (WHAT college fund?) or
"gee I wish we could pay the mortgage AND the electric bill, but I can't..."

IF that's the type of loss you were facing, the types of choices,

then your hand was forced. It's NOT complicated.

It's simple. If your analysis was accurate, then you did what you had to do. Period. Stay on message. Are you really just worrying that YOU have now irritated him and he wont' return to YOU?

Is the financial security of your children, worth taking that risk? I sure hope you said "yes".

Don't let him or your guilt or your enabling or co-dependence or whatever....derail you.

Stay on course and Stay on message.

NO GUILT FOR THIS...maybe your other issues or flaws or contributions to the marital issues-feel bad about THOSE...but not for doing what you had to do to save yourself and the kids.

If that's the truth, then so be it. You have paid the price.

Must your children pay the price for your fears of rocking the boat? I say no.

Here's what I mean, by way of example.

I knew an older woman who raised her 4-5 kids on her own, in squalor. Their trailer had little insulation and they often ate rice and or beans for a meal b/c that is all they afford.

The kids were in a lousy area of town and crappy schools were there, as were gangs. Only 2-3 finished high school, 1 of whom began college but didn't finish. He enlisted in the Air Force. He is her shining light.

The others today are unemployed, addicted to drugs, alcoholics, or married to men like that,

I had attributed it to the area and style they grew up with until one day

the mother said to me, "I raised those kids ALL on my own", to which I said,

"why didn't their biological father help out?" And she said, with great pride and zero insight...

"B/C I did it all on my own and I didn't take one penny from him-didn't NEED it, and he never got to see the kids!"

She never thought twice that her pride was the priority instead of her children.

AND she failed to see that the money SHE turned down was NOT HERS to turn down; it was the children's money they were entitled to from their father as the "natural objects of his bounty"

(that's the legal theory underlying child support. It's not about the mom's needs, but the kids.)

She preferred having her kids "survive" a life in squalor and filth and at great risk to themselves, and with suffering,

than getting a decent safe place to live BUT having to put her false pride aside and beinggrateful, or, God forbid, admit she needed help.

Hope this makes the point...It's not really YOUR money to turn down. It's what THEY are entitled to and you have to advocate for them. He's not!

H is going to lose his mind...

if he has a brain tumor then you ought to consider helping him out, "in sickness and in health" and all that...but

if he's just being himself at his worst, or changing into someone even worse,

then you have to play the cards you were dealt, as best you can.

I think that's what you did. Keep working on YOUR ISSUES for YOUR SAKE and the sake of the next man in your life, way down the road. Maybe it'll be your h...

How are YOUR GAL activities going? And the 180s?