Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate them. I am sorry to hear about the state of your marriage. Like many, I never thought I would find myself here. But none of us know what God has in store for us.
After I read your post I reread 25yrmlc post. And then I read it again. I can see how my wife felt frustrated with me, anxious about our daughter. She had told me in the past she wasn't happy. I "listened" to the words but I never "heard" her.
Before she moved out we had a fight. During the fight she told me that looking at pictures of us and seeing the cards and things she had gotten for me just reminded her of how she felt unappreciated and unloved. Like 25yrsmlc, I think she feels that I drove her into the affair because of my actions (or lack thereof).
It is very hard to swallow that pill.
I am trying to show her that I do love her and still care. I got her a plant for her apartment. She didn't appear suspicious or wary. She was a little surprised and said thanks. End of story.
Later that night I realized it was too late for me to call and say good night to the girls. I texted her my hugs and kisses for the girls. She responded almost right away. Lately it has felt like she has been doing a 180 on me, i.e., my calls going to voicemail, etc. So I view this as a tiny, almost imperceptible and infintesmal, step in the right direction.
Its funny how life/God(?) puts things in your path when you need them. My mom was experiencing chest pain the other day so I went over to check on her after she got back from her doctor's appointment. While I was there I went through a box of old books in my own room. The one on top was [/u]How to Win Friends and Influence People[u] by Dale Carnegie.
Chapter 1 talks about the exact things that 25yrsmlc and you did. Some of the choice quotes...
"...ninety nine times out of a hundred people don't criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong they may be. Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance and arouses resentment."
"...realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return."
"Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint that is a lot more profitable".
"When dealing with people remember that we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity."
The chapter ends with this "Don't condemn, criticize or complain."
All of this sounds like it is taken out of DB and DR.
I sent my inlaws an email thanking them for watching the girls and lamenting the fact that we didn't get to spend more time together. All I said in regards to Lori's and my situation was this:
"This is a difficult time for everyone; Lori, the girls, you, my mom, our families and myself. I truly appreciate your efforts to reach out to Lori. I love her so much it hurts...and as difficult as the situation is, I am afraid all we can do is pray and wait. The door to reconciliation is open. I hope and pray in time she will come home."
I have started cutting my mom and other family members off when they start to make disparaging remarks about my wife. I remind them that I am still married to her and that she is still the mother of my chilren. Then I gently remind them of all of the hardship she has been through not just in the past ten years, but in her life growing up as well. I have found that that makes my conversational partner a little more sympathetic to her and whatever she may be going through.
There is so much more to say but I have to get back to work. Thank you for reading my posts. It means a lot to know that others are hearing me (sort of).
