MZ - I had a thought today which might explain part of my situation. I don't know why - but I thought I'd put it out there (here), in case it helps others. I was bullied pretty severely as a child. I only really think about it occasionally but for much of my school-age years bullying was a daily event. I don't know why no adult stepped in to help, actually. Since I was young and small I developed strategies to cope - some of these included simply giving up or giving in, not doing or wearing anything that could call attention, and staying away from large groups. I think at some point my whole physiology changed - when faced with conflict my body doesn't really get amped up to fight. It sort of shuts down. Not trying to tell a sad story. Nowdays I can take care of myself fine - I'm in very good shape, with years of martial arts training and, besides, as adults how often does one really need to worry about physical violence? - but that response is still there even after all those years. If it wasn't I know I wouldn't have these problems. I watch my boys closely and help them deal with conflict, and make sure that they need have to be in a position where they must endure what I did day after day. Sports give them a chance to win sometimes. And I'm ok with them fighting back against bullies at school - better than just taking it. If I could go back I'd have fought back every time (and taken the brutal beatings, for sure).
Anyway, my point is not that my W is a bully. But sometimes I react the same way, and that's not usually her fault. And it's certainly not attractive.
I don't know why I'm posting this. Sure it doesn't relate to your sitch. I guess I'm hoping it helps someone else - and maybe their kids. I think strong fathers build strong men, in part by protecting them from this sort of thing.
