wife won't admit PA with OM

[25yearsmlc]

"I definitely have been putting myself first. I am the sole worker in the house so I have rationalized my behavior as being in the interest of the family. However, I'm clearly doing that too much.

This^^ struck a chord in me as it's exactly what my h said when he wanted us all to move, again, (17 moves in 30 years ALL for him)

for his career. (Translation, his desire to live in the wilds of Alaska and supposedly "earn millions", was what WE all wanted OR what we ALL SHOULD HAVE wanted...but did not...and btw, factually he was way off and the whole job deal was a Ponzi scheme.

He once said WE were "all being irrational."

We already had lived there and did not like it. Only h loved it there.

And part of why we did not like it was HIS behavior there. (Plus the insane temperatures and lack of daylight...crazy me...crazy kids who want to play outside and not die...)

The belief that money = power is humiliating to those of us with careers who chose to stay home with our children, only to have our h's treat us as powerless and, implicitly, worth Less....

instead of supporting what for ME was a selfless choice, all my power was taken and I felt penalized for it...



I really need to step back and look at my W's needs as an individual and how I can be a positive influence or assist with them, as opposed to putting my needs first even if I logically think that it is in the family's best interest... or at a minimum discuss it clearly."

Exactly

Yes this is true & needed. And note the (and I know you are--so kudos to you for that)

self serving nature of rationalizing how "the family" is, in effect, merged into YOU b/c what YOU want is, "naturally", in their best interests too...it's not something I hear a lot of women say.

Glad you see this. Not easy to change but it's not complicated either.

Good luck