I need advice for dealing with a WAW

[SamuelH]

Hello. My W and I will have been married for 1 year on November 20th 2011. Unfortunately, she walked out and moved to her hometown on October 13th (almost a month ago). I am 25 and my W is 24.

Before I really begin I should mention that my W's biological mother threatened to kill her when she was 8 years old and abandoned her for the Children's Aid Society to come pick her up. She was also sexually abused by her biological father around age 10.

Things started getting bad back in August, my W was losing her job and I guess there was pressure for her to find another one. She began working multiple jobs, unfortunately the payment for these jobs was 'under the table' and I was very skeptical that they would pay out. I saw these jobs as 'pie in the sky' and a waste of money in gas for our car.

We got into arguments about whether she should work these jobs and they would usually go like so:
W: "Well, I'm an adult and I can work any job I want and do not have to answer to you!"
Me: "Well that's a really crappy attitude for a married person. Why don't we get a D and you can do that all you want!"

This argument happened at least twice. Unfortunately, I had no idea of the serious implications of what I said. I never wanted a D, I just wanted my W to think about her attitude and behavior. I think it is because of her emotional trauma from the past that she took what I said so seriously.

I noticed right away a change in my W. She became very cold and distant, almost overnight. She resisted my touch to the point of not even wanting to hold hands. This scared me very much and so I suggested we see a marriage counselor. She initialy resisted because when she suggested seeing a counselor a few weeks before, I shot down the idea. We did see a marriage counselor in the beginning of September though.

One thing that came out in the counselling is that my wife said that after I talked about getting a D then she gave up on the marriage right then and there. I think (perhaps wrongly so) that she saw my statement as a sign that I was going to abandon her and that she had to protect herself and abandon me first. I have never shared this thought with her. Still, we continued to go for counseling. I tried to do more things with my W, going for walks, playing card games, dice games, etc.

I thought the counselling was helping, there seemed to be more communication between us and things, although still very rough at times seemed to gradually get better. There were times when she say or do something very self centered though... things like "Maybe I want to be single." Or "I don't know if I want to be married"

My W moved out while I was at work and did not leave a note or any other communication what she was doing. She has not spoken to me at all (not a single word) since moving out, however her foster parents in her hometown let me know that she came to visit them and she is staying with one of her female friends but they do not know who or where. She sent back her keys to the house and car, as well as credit cards and bank cards in the mail.

I maintain conversation with my W's foster parents (who I'll refer to as in-laws or ILs) who see my W every few days when she comes to visit them. The ILs tell me that my W does not talk about us or what happened to make her leave, nor does she talk about what she is going to do or wants. I've explained to them what happened and they agree that my W probably has a deep fear of abandonment.

About two weeks after leaving my W told my ILs that she needed time and space to clear her head before she makes a decision and that she wants it to be "her decision". She said that she "feels lost" and "doesn't know who she is anymore" and "needs to find herself". She also told them that she felt like God had abandoned her. (We are both Christian, well I'm not sure about her anymore). At this point I sent my W a short letter explaining that I love her very much and miss her a lot and that she can call me whenever she is ready to talk. I also told her that praying to God and talking to our pastor helped me quite a lot when I was feeling down and maybe she should do the same in her hometown.

I was down in her hometown last week on my way to visit some relatives and I stopped by my ILs to chat. The ILs told me that she had not yet read my letter because she was not there to pick it up but she would be there later that evening. I left a housekey, a book I had read (Hope for the Separated), some flowers (her favorite kind), $100, some candy and her benefits card (spousal benefits from where I work).

I spoke to my ILs yesterday who said that my W took everything I gave her and really liked the flowers and candy. She read my letter, but did not say anything about it. (She took it with her though). Also revealed yesterday was that her grand-father suffered a stroke on Monday and is in critical condition -- he is not expected to survive.

One more thing to add... my W blocked me on Facebook the day she left, I created a new Facebook account so I was able to see her (limited) profile. Since she has been gone she has been slowly updating her profile (first she changed her current city & mailing address), then she changed her last name to her maiden name a few days after. I've been assured by her sister (who still lives in the same town as me, and has also not heard anything from my W since she left) that my W changing her name on Facebook does not necessarily mean that she is looking for a D, but just that she is trying to get herself to a state of stability.

I have since stopped trying to see her Facebook profile as well as contacting her parent's every couple of days as it is too much of an emotional roller-coaster for me. My mother-in-law has told me that she will call me once a week to let me know what is happening. The last time I spoke to my mother in law was yesterday. I repeated the same thing I've said from day one of my W leaving "I love her, I miss her, the door is always open for her to come back and we can work on things."

I read "Hope for the Separated" and am currently reading DB and I understand that step one is always 'improve yourself' and I am working on that... but if my wife is in a different town and refusing to talk to me... how will she see that change?

I desperately need advice on what I should be doing... I feel lost and confused and have no idea what to do next aside from prayer...

AFAIK neither of us have spoken to a L yet.