I can only go off what you tell me, knowing the rest of that...helps.
You don't actually trigger me MZ. But...I think I do with you...a little.
It's two sides, this piecing. It's not easy at all. But it is worth it. Absolutely, it requires BOTH of you...not just you, how's that for a change? To change and talk and listen differently.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thinking out loud here. I use these boards to do a to of my journaling. I find writing these things helps to clear my brain and refocus.
I'm in the process of looking at how I've treated H and making changes to be more of a compassionate partner. I'm figuring it out. We both have things in our past that seem to dovetail perfectly and not in a good way. Being conscious of those is on the front burner right now, but it opens up a new realm for conflict trying to change those old patterns.
To Share- My career was the "bigger one" and the one that could afford us all that we liked to do. So I often had to leave H with childcare duties and rearranging his schedule to accommodate mine. We have a strange R in that it is reversed. He cooks, does most laundry....and I'll be out mowing the lawn, stacking wood.
I'll never forget the day I walked in from a long day. There he was at the sink with the baby in a backpack carrier, washing dishes, and the house was spotless!
Speed up to the past 3-4 years; that imbalance and my over-functioning (which my career demands) started to show its ugly results. I could be gone 24 hours at a time and I'd come home to the "frat house" and it would look like a cyclone hit it. H eventually found someone who adored him and it was an escape from our hell. There were other historical influences as well to cause the perfect storm.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
I think that you are doing excellent DB/DR work by evaluating how you can change to make the marriage the best it can be. Too often we put our partner under the microscope and just focus on what problems they have brought to the marriage. In my opinion, DB/DR is really about making YOU a better person, and if it saves your marriage, that is the big-time added bonus.
Using your example of the reversed traditional roles...it sounds like he has grown bored with the House Husband role and could use a little reassurance that he is the man of the household. My suggestion? If your earnings allow, hire a housekeeper to relieve him of some the in-home duties (perhaps once a week or every other week and maybe when you are out of town for a day or more to clean up before you come back). Also, maybe carve out time to do duties together, such as working in the yard, cooking, etc. Also, maybe seek his help with the more manly duties that can be done (even if you are better at them!).
What is your husband's primary love language, and how are you filling his tank? How is he filling yours? What did the two of you do in the past before your marriage was troubled that met each other's needs?
I agree; this board is great for journaling and getting your thoughts and goals in order. It's also a great place to let out the frustrations without taking them out on the spouse (wishing I had done that a couple of nights ago!).
lc4...thanks! I'm laughing a bit because anytime we've hired someone to clean, they've ended up running away...LOL.
I actually baked some pies today while H stacked wood outside. He made sure to tell me how to bake the pies and I accepted his advice so ever adoringly....then did a little damsel in distress when one pie wasn't cooperating. I think he likes it when I'm more dependent and need him.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
lc4...thanks! I'm laughing a bit because anytime we've hired someone to clean, they've ended up running away...LOL.
I actually baked some pies today while H stacked wood outside. He made sure to tell me how to bake the pies and I accepted his advice so ever adoringly....then did a little damsel in distress when one pie wasn't cooperating. I think he likes it when I'm more dependent and need him.
I know all about chasing housekeepers away...I have 4 kids, so only the strong survive around here! I like the damsel in distress bit...I bet your husband did, too.
Keep hanging in there; you are doing great! Have a blessed week, lc4
