OnMyWay: to the next phase.

[OnMyWay]

Been a while since I've been here, but I'm glad I stopped by to catch up on everyone's sitch. Thought I'd update mine in hopes of offering up some hope to those still struggling. Please pardon the rambling, as that's the way OnMyWay writes through the thought process.

My last update was almost 2-1/2 months ago. After my last post, some interesting things happened - not so much with my W, but within me.

First, I had a birthday on 9/14 - I turned 45. Now, I don't think that was a milestone age or anything, so I'm not sure if it is relevant. To celebrate, I went out to lunch with a few friends who proceeded to get me seriously intoxicated - all in good fun, of course. However, after the damn hangover, something in me changed - not quite an epiphany or anything dramatic, more of an overall change in philosophy. Like I finally grew up. I'm certainly over "it."

Up until this time, I'd been out trying to GAL, get fit, date women, live a lifestyle, really "working" at it - whatever. All of a sudden, I simply didn't want any of it any longer, I came to a point where I'd had enough. I just stopped. My whole lifestyle changed overnight. Now, I stay home on weekends with my D and hangout with her, mostly. I'm not a teetotaler by any means, but I rarely drink anything anymore. I've stopped worrying about most things and really found my center, my place where I was good with being myself and let other people worry about whether they like me or not.

I also discovered something important - I no longer worried about my M with W. I no longer worried about whether or not we'd ever get back together. People would ask where we were at and my answer became something along the lines of, "I'm not sure, but either way, I'm good :-)" Not that I don't care or that it doesn't matter, it's just that I have a future and a whole life left to live, and I want to live it on MY terms - period. Not someone else's, not my W's, just me. I let it all go - everything: my M, financial stress, the economy, other's opinions, family pressures, friend's issues, etc. I let everyone else have their own problems, set it all aside and simply became satisfied with me and became true to myself.

The funny thing is, this has snow-balled for me. The more relaxed and happier I became, the happier and more relaxed I was - to the point where no one, not even my W could do ANYTHING to bother me. None of it is my problem. Not to say I don't care, but as everyone points out here on this site, don't worry about things you have no control over. I realized I have very little control over very little. Once I changed my life so that I minimized that even further by taking myself out of the loop, it just all became clear.

There's a tremendous peace involved with it. For me, it's not about GAL or detachment or any "techniques" to try to win someone back. It's about me, plain and simple. About being honest with myself and becoming comfortable in my own skin - that is the extent of my responsibility. My W will have to worry about herself.

Which brings us to the latest developments on the M front. Whether she's noticed my changes or not is not relevant to me. However, she has been around a bit more than usual. Not too much discussion, but some weirdness. I've been planning another extended sailing trip on my boat and was telling her about it when she broke down in tears. I held her for a while to comfort her, then left for work after she'd calmed down. I never asked her about it, as I figured she'd tell me if she wanted to talk about it. I just thought it was odd, figuring she must be have some demons she needs to deal with.

Monday night when I got home from work, she was at home with a strange look on her face. I asked her if something was wrong and she said, "No." I sat down and did my own thing when I looked over at her again and she was staring at me. I became concerned and asked if everything was ok and she completely lost it, falling apart and unloading everything about her life.

Turns out, besides being broke and not having a place of her own to live, she has no life. She doesn't want to get a divorce. She is miserable. She goes to school and works constantly, making her exhausted all the time. Her friends have grown sick of hearing about her problems, so she has no one to talk to, except me. It hasn't gone unnoticed that out of all her friends and family, the only true friend she has that she can talk to about this stuff is me - and she doesn't even like me, but misses me horribly. Crazy sounding, yes, but she continued for a long time. I simply let her unload.

I asked if she has made any progress with her IC, and she said she's gotten worse to the point where the IC has referred her to a psychologist, but she didn't make the appointment. I was floored by some of the stuff she came up with and was actually worried for her health. Add in the fact that my parents are coming on Sunday, adding a whole other heap of pressure on her - she loves them dearly, but is worried about what they will think (which, btw, I'm not as they will all have to sort that out on their own and be responsible for themselves). It was almost unbelievable that, after all we've been through, she has fallen into such a bad place and I ended up completely opposite. The irony is evident.

A dear friend's mother died and her funeral was today. She asked me to go with her as she doesn't do well at funerals. I did. The funeral was very emotional for her. We then went out to lunch and came home for a nap . . . together. She's obviously trying things out - testing. Tonight when I came home, she got up and announced she was leaving. I wished her a good night. "You're not mad?" She asked.

"Why would I be mad?" I replied. After all, where she stays is her decision. Our door has always been open for her to come back when she is ready.

"Well, then do you want a hug?"

"Why, do you want a hug?" I teased.

"I asked you first," she counted.

"Ok, yes, I'll be very happy to hug you," which I did.

"I'm glad you wanted that hug," she smiled as she walked out the door.

Whatever any of this means, I dunno. I'm happy with myself and I think she feels better now, which is very important. I wish her the best no matter what she decides. As for me, I'm good either way. After all, I'm OnMyWay :-D