I'm glad to hear you are reading Co-Dependent No More. I found that book very inspirational. It's alot of hard work and you have to balance it against the fear and anger of your sitch, but it can be very helpful if you let it.
I completely understand that instinct of not making spouse angry and things feeling unnatural.
Unnatural doesn't necessarily equal wrong. It can in some cases.. but for the most part.. it just means different.
If it feels unnatural to you, most likely it will feel unnatural to H as well.
This feeling will come up time and time again as you work on changing yourself... eventually changing the dynamic of your r.
Dig deep to find out answers behind that feeling. You know you don't want to make him angry? Dig deeper - Why do you have that fear to begin with?
Make sense?
As for arguing. It's not recommended to try other techniques besides DBing, but I feel the two are very similar.
Instead of arguing... just listen. No defending yourself.. actually don't even speak.
When you do..just recap what he just said. This allows you to make sure you HEARD exactly what he said and gives him the opportunity to ADD or CLARIFY his thoughts.
Your response.. "That makes sense". Validate his feelings.
If you do that, it will be hard for him to argue with you. If he isn't arguing that his walls will come down and eventually you two can discuss what's bothering you and quit screaming about it.
Try it.. it will require you to lose your pride and your wall, but it will also hopefully open you up to better communication.
Better communication equals less confusion.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
