All I can say is that I survived another day. My emotions were all over the place today, but I managed to stay fairly calm. H called right after getting off of work and came home at his regular time. After a few minutes, he told me that he needed to reschedule our counseling session. Then he canceled it altogether, citing that he didn't really have the money. I said okay, no big deal because I am sure that he was expecting a more intense response.
He made dinner then very obviously made a phone call to one of his friends. Told me he was going to his friend's house a few minutes later, but I have no idea why he felt the need to tell me of his plans. I continued to get the girls ready for bed and he asked if I needed anything before he left. I could have been more non-chalant - actually, I think I might have been trying to hard to act like I didn't care. I hope this will become more natural for me over time.
So, for the last three or four days I haven't called or texted him at all. I just ask him how his day was at work and we talk about general stuff. I have plans for tomorrow afternoon, but not the evening. Want to see if I can make some last minute plans just to get out of the house.
I've accepted in my mind that this will not work with us both flip flopping. I have to stay strong. I plan on getting my secondary computer back up and running tomorrow so that I can fill out a slew of job applications. If and when I do land a job, I'll have to take the bus. Since I live in the boondocks, I can estimate spending between 2 to 3 hours a day just traveling, but that will give me plenty of time to read and reflect. It will probably be a few months after I get a job outside of the home that I will be able to get a car.
I reached out to 2 friends that are close enough to understand the sitch but far enough away not to be impacted by it too much, but neither of them were available. Made the evening a little harder, but I've pulled through so far. I'm going to go to bed at a decent hour so that I can have a fresh start. Its been hard accepting my new reality, but in retrospect its not like I'm really losing out. A few bumps in the road will be well worth the changes that I can expect.
