Uncharted Waters; Need a Paddle

[workinghardguy]

I can't control her, I accept that now.

Well, let me tell you from personal experience that I think I've said these very words about a dozen times. Each time I mean it but each time I end up not being very good at it You get better over time at it, but don't think that it will be just because you say it.

I understand that bit about your D, but it's not really germane to the discussion. So your w didn't call, but what if she did? What if she had called and said "Jim is going to pick up my D tonight and I authorize it." She's a parent and has the right to do that. Short of a court order, a restraining order against the bf, or taking her custodial rights away you can't stop her. Don't rely on the phone call/lack of phone call as the reason. It's seems clear to me from reading the post that what you're really angry about is losing control over who your d interacts with. But it's a reality you have to face.

Tonight while talking to my w we discussed life after D and other guys. She vows she has no interest in another R and needs to be alone. Ok. Does it drive me crazy thinking about some other guy in my S's life and influencing him? Yes. Can I do anything about that? Nope. So I can either be driven crazy, live in fear of it, and then be driven by that fear to do very unwise things which drive my W away even further and faster. Or I can accept it, hope for the best, and move on.

Now... if you truly have concerns that your W's mental health is not good for your D that changes the equation. Then you may need to seek sole custody, approved visitation, etc... but that's a pretty big step to take.