Alcoholic H wants D part 2.....

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Mishka, i guess i could tell him that when he does ask me..but saying you will have to ask your dad that sounds to me like I am blameing him (H)...and for some reason I dont feel comfortable with that..????? I dont want him to hate his father and would be just as devistated as I think he would if he found out about OW.


You can refer son's questions about how your h FEELS or what he THINKS, to your h. There's no way you can answer for him anyhow...but imply nothing. Any info about OW must NOT come from you...it'll backfire on you.

This morning I am having some desperate need to write H a letter or send him a message...I have not done this since he dropped the D bomb..I did go to the house and try to talk him out of it one time in the first few days after but was completley rejected.


and then you filed...so to him, you have responded...but again, you said you were forced to by financial concerns. Stay on that message. Act as if you would have responded differently IF there were other options but to your knowledge, there were not any alternatives if you wanted financial security for your son and you. If this is true, stand by it.


for the sake of my sanity and in hopes of stopping myself from making a complete idiot out of myself I am going to write it and post it here, just to get it out ....feel free to scroll over it cus its not pretty..

J,

I saw a truck that was identical to yours this morning on the way to work. Made me miss you so much. Its hard to believe that we no longer have daily contact or know what each other is doing threw out the day. I feel like there is a hole in my life were something huge was ripped out...im praying every day that it will be filled or simply close up so the pain of it being there will stop.
miss your good morning texts and hate that I did not appreciate them at the time. I miss the cards and flowers you would leave in my truck and hate that i did not acknowlege your efforts most of the time, and took for granted that you were not going anywere. Im sorry that I did not support and trust in your sobriety enough, But please know that I'm so proud that you have accomplished that been in recovery this long and know that it means a lot to our son. I willadmit that I doubted your commitment]to it and spent the last 2 yrs waiting for you to failbut I thought I was protecting myselffrom what I thought was inevitable.

I am sorry that I did not acknowledge work on my anger problems sooner even though i was well aware of it, and continued to take my anger out on you and the boys on a daily basis instead of getting help and fixing the problem.

Although I did file for divorce, I do not want our family to be destroyed or defined by this. I and hope that by some miracle, both of us will realize the chance we have to turn this around and still be a family in whatever loving form that takes.

I have learned a great deal these past few years. If I had it all to do over again, there are a lot of things I'd do differently.


I love you so much J and I am willing to do anything, what ever it takes, no matter what the cost to stop this and turn it around. I miss your arms around me and I miss hearing you call me mama. but most of all I miss having you here to talk to ...I have never been able to talk to anyone the way I could with you.
Its sad that it took this to make me realize what I had.
I pray every night that your heart will be opened to me again.
J


sorry...but that really did feel good to get out and I think ill be able to get on with my day with the tears now..

Don't pursue so much. Don't belabor the point.

There is far more power in the economic use of words. IOW, don't talk so much or it gets lost in the paragraphs...

Don't lay prone on the railroad tracks, when the reason you filed was to protect yourself and son.

Honestly, I'm getting confused!. You claim with a straight face AND I BELIEVE YOU, that you were forced to file so you would not starve or go without.

Then you retract all of that with these apologies.

I get how destructive your anger was. I get it. Heck, I point it out all the time.

What I don't get, is the need to keep back tracking from what you said you were forced to do.

Think of this as a campaign, which it is. And stay on message.

*You did what you had to do b/c he was spending too much and not sending money home (forget about OW).

* You do not WANT a divorce, but you want reliable support and this was seemingly the only way to get it.

* If there is another way to achieve financial security, other than divorcing, you are more than open to using it.

* You'd like to maintain SOME sort of positive R with h...for now, it's for son's sake...


*You are actively working on YOUR issues b/c YOU want to become the woman you were before, a woman only a fool would leave.


WE all know you want more than this, but as for what you TELL your h,

the above is sufficiently clear and open ended, without being pursuit or needy, AND without totally negating the purpose of the filing.

If you realize that the filing was actually a way of punishing your h, then it's backfired,

and you ought to ask your L what to do about that. Retract? Lose all leverage? IDK...

Hope this helps...meanwhile

how are your GAL and 180s doing?

Be busy and mysterious and upbeat and happy and getting better and happier all the time...