Alcoholic H wants D part 2.....

[25yearsmlc]

We have been going to co parenting sessions and have touched very litely on how to sit with him together to tell him about the D. the wording has not been "we are trying to decide" or "whether or not we end up together" its leaning toward the very def D word so I am not pushing to set a time to do that, and really neither is H.

okay^^^, I get that. But let's face it, You filed for div, not him.

All I'm saying is that it did not happen in a vacuum. WE know he forced your hand, but your h may not even know that, and to HIM, you are the one leaning towards the divorce...and your son sure must wonder what the heck is going on...

(I'm trusting that your statements about money and having to flie for divorce were to protect you and your son, are true). IF they were/are, then you have to stay on THAT message.

Perhaps a support agreement would have sufficed, in lieu of the divorce filing. That would have given you some security, with a court ordered support agreement. YOUR H's lawyer MAY suggest this, but your h is responsible for how he chooses to respond to the filing. Obviously, discuss all this with your Lawyer first...

In any event, why not tell your son that you are living apart b/c you are "not sure you two should live together right now" and you are taking a "time out"... This makes it easier for the kids to transition into the change IF it does come...and it does not help anyone to cement in the "WE WILL DIVORCE ASAP" statements, that some WASs seem intent on.

((Then again, your h may genuinely believe you put your foot to the pedal to the floor, and that you want to go full speed ahead for a divorce. There is a lot of history to back that up, so

Is there any verbalized reason your would NOT feel that way?))

Vis a vis your son, please reassure him of what is NOT changing in HIS life... Kids are rightfully self absorbed at this stage of their lives.

They want to know how THEY will be affected...
My girls were upset by our troubles, but A LOT of their fears were about moving and starting over (we were military and the moving was a real drag for them after awhile. We had no idea how deeply it bothered them).

So I allayed their fears when I told them that we'd be in the same house at least til d1 graduated from high school (2 years). So their friends and school, and home, and neighborhood would Not change, and this was a great relief to them.

Stressing what would remain the same for them, was comforting.


I do tell him that we both love and care for him and that will not change

Good!!...and imo, there's nothing wrong with telling him that you'll always love your h too, b/c after all, look who he brought into your world-your son!!

Doesn't mean you'll always be married to him...but let your son know that real love does not "die". Even if it gets strangled and loses its' breath...it's there, buried underneath a lot of other...stuff...


...He has been in counceling since we seperated 2 yrs ago, when we first seperated he took it shockingly hard and had a short run in with cutting himself so we got him in right away..which is why I am so concerned about him now.

Your SON was in counselling and cut himself? That's unusual for a male. How is he now? What did your h think at the time?

I plan on contacting his councelor at school next week to have a meeting. H does not seem concerned at all.

HEY Stop the mind reading. For all we know, your h is wracked with guilt AND or worry AND or shame...AND the anger demonstration and feelings are revealed in your interactions with h.

That's NOT helping you show him the new you, and it does not help give your h something to aspire to, and it hurts your son to think that his dad does not care AND it lessens the chances of a recon of the marriage....

so how and whom does the anger help?

Instead, why not give your h something to aspire to, something good and noble to live up to?...

Why not assume he DOES care about son's problems...and act accordingly?


..he says hell be fine, long as he knows we love him. well, pardon me but how is he going to know that??? when his dad is in contact only when its convienent??? yeah, that will show him.

oops, i spilled a little anger there...hope i didnt get it on anyone..:)

not "a little anger"...


I dont understand what has been happening with him lately...there has been a lot (really every day) of texting back and forth..always about son.

um...b/c your h DOES care about your son...?? Surely that is a possibility.

.usually started by me but carried on by him. He offered to fix my truck over the weekend and spent a few hours there..he is coming over tonight to pull the trailer up to the camp sight (his offer again) and then returning sat to take it home.
Why??????

Why not? Why shouldn't he help out? He's trying to be a provider, he's still a dad, he's still your partner in at least some ways and it saves everyone some money to have him fix the truck. It's in everyone's interest...

Instead of scrutinizing his behavior with suspicion, why not accept this gift graciously?

would that be a 180?


Why all the contact all the sudden...i did not contact him at all yesterday and did not hear from him or this morning. so maybe he is just responding.....I realized that I was contacting regarding S14 but really..its stuff he could care less about now so why bother.

You are repeating behavior you say you regret doing in the past.

You are again mind reading, & ALL 100% negatively.

How does this help anyone?

How does it demonstrate the new you?


sidenote--as a former English Composition teacher, I have a pet peeve about the commonly used phrase, "could care less" b/c it is incorrect.

The correct version is "could NOT care less" b/c the point you are making is that you think he cares so little, that it's the least he could possibly care. Therefore your comment would be that he could "not" care less than he does...make sense? Okay, back to earth...

Its the normal stuff i would always contact him about but that was before, and now he really is fine not knowing.


what? IDK what this means but I'm guessing it is more negative mind reading...

Remember that we all make mistakes. Here, the goal is not perfection, but it's learning from our mistakes and NOT repeating THE SAME mistakes.

You are repeatedly mind reading, negatively, and letting your mind spiral on downward...and this creates so much negative energy in you, that when you are around your h, or when you interact with him, a lot of anger spills out.

Your does not deserve this anger b/c he does care. I don't believe your h is indifferent to you, and he's certainly not indifferent to your son.

He cares. So your anger isn't just a turn off to him.

To Him it's also unfair and inaccurate...and it's SO NOT HELPFUL TO YOU..and

it makes it easier for your h to be with OW.
Do you see how?

Negative projections and angry mind reading is something you need to control better. Agreed?

Had a bad night with thoughts in my head...feeling very replaced and abandoned yesterday...better today. looking forward to camping trip and getting out of town. no phone reception and just me and the boys!!....and a good book and a campfire....*sigh*

Hope you have a great time with your sons, and are grateful that they are not at war (well, it's Veteran's Day and my h is getting deployed, fyi) and they are healthy.

And they have a strong mom who loves them very much!!